Once more unto the breach, Joel Madden, once more;
Or close the wall up with former Voice winners dead.
In peace there’s nothing so becomes will.i.am
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of Ricky Martin‘s quinoa toots blows in Kylie‘s ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the shit Motown covers,
And spin that chair, goddammit, because it’s Voice time again!
Follow all the action with our Voice Australia live blog from 7.30pm AEST.
7:20: Coming up next on A Current Affair, after this piece on shonky real estate agents, is a hard-hitting report about how Brittanie‘s grandpa is “her rock.” You guys, I don’t know, I might be developing a wicked case of Stockholm syndrome here, but ACA is rapidly becoming my favourite show on television. Their brazenness is actually kind of breathtaking. They’re the will.i.am of TV shows. Who else has started drinking heavily?
7:37: “I knew Joel was really, insanely popular, but I didn’t know he would make me laugh so much.” Ugh, get a room Kylie and Joel.
7:40: Our first contestant of the night is well-scrubbed Isaac from the Sunshine Coast. He’s rocking a pompadour, and he’s playing his mum’s guitar, which has positive affirmations written on it in white-out. What a nice boy. Isaac is a super chill acoustic dude who plays a super chill acoustic cover of Aloe Blacc‘s ‘I Need A Dollar’, because what that song desperately needed was a super chill acoustic version. I dunno, I’m mesmerised by Isaac’s thick brows, and I look forward to seeing the top couple of inches of his smooth chest awkwardly showing through his shirt collar for many weeks to come. “My mum loves you, but …” he says to Ricky, then leaves Ricky in bug-eyed suspense, before conferring with his mum and choosing Joel. WHY WOULD HE HURT RICKY LIKE THAT?
7:51: Oh shit, this just got interesting. The Voice just dropped a bombshell in the form of former HI5 singer Fely Irvine. “I don’t want to be a character, I just want to be myself …” she says, and for a second, there’s genuine tension in the air. She chooses a cover of Rihanna and Calvin Harris‘s ‘We Found Love’, and I’m predisposed like to this song but I’m pretty sure she kills it. I mean, she sings in key and has control, which is more than you can say for a lot of this year’s hopefuls thus far. I guess Fely is this year’s version of when Abby Dobson of Leonardo’s Bride auditioned that one time, but the outcome’s already better, because the chairs are already turning. Joel tries to bribe her with flowers, while Ricky promises her “30 years of career.” I looked Ricky up and this is literally the 30th year of his career. Wow. Good for him. We have to wait until after the break to see who Fely picks.
8:02: “My heart is screaming Ricky!” says Fely. Wasn’t ‘My Heart Is Screaming Ricky’ the b-side to The Ronettes‘ ‘Be My Baby’? Neither here nor there. Our next contestant, Samantha, is a self-described ‘island princess’ from the Torres Strait. Her smile is beaming, but surprisingly, she chooses Rihanna‘s ‘Fool In Love’, because that’s what people really like about Rihanna, the depressing ballads. She’s seriously flat and very nervous, and when they cut to her parents backstage, her mum says “she tried.” :'(
8:14: Dallas lives in a cabin outside Byron Bay, wears a shit hat and is trying to find himself with music – I am very excited to hate this fucking guy already. I bet he’s one of those people who doesn’t own a TV and brags about it constantly. His acoustic rendition of Sam Cooke‘s ‘Bring It On Home To Me’ is … adequate. Sorry, Dallas, I can’t get past the hat. You’re dead to me for the rest of the season.
8:19: This really has been the hear of the terrible hat, hasn’t it?
8:20: Up next is another ringer, Hayley, who placed fourth in Anthony Callea’s year of Idol. Actally, that’s not true, up next is another ad break, because we’re somehow almost an hour into the show and have only heard four singers, which seems like a reasonable number.
8:27: Hayley clearly knows her way around a stage. She shuffles and shimmies her way through a performance of ‘Freefallin”, in a sparkling silver dress that only serves to make her more statuesque. Her vocal performance is easy and confident, and she has a lot of control. will.i.am says that her falsetto was “fantabulous” and I guess even a broken clock’s right twice a day. She chooses Team Kylie and a modicum of balance is restored to the force.
8:37: Chita is a former backing singer for Delta Goodrem, who lived to tell the tale, so good for her. Joel says he hears heels when steps onto the stage, as he has with every single female contestant so far this season. That one’s getting old Joel, maybe retire it. Chita performs a rendition of the Jackson 5‘s ‘I Want You Back’, and the judges seem hesitant … she has a great voice, but seems a little timid, like she’s still stuck in backing singer mode, having PTSD flashbacks to her days with Delta. Joel and will.i.am turn around right at the end of her song, and will immediately starts making cheetah noises at her, and rhymes her birthplace of Mauritius with ‘delicious’. Don’t fall for him, Chita, you’re better than that.
8:43: Up next is Jasmin, a self-described Good Charlotte superfan. Her jean jacket / black beanie combo is throwing off a serious Sarah Silverman vibe, and despite the fact that she’s a self-described Good Charlotte superfan, I kind of like her. Sadly, her rendition of P!nk‘s sober is a bit rough, and she sounds like I do after a bottle of cherry vodka, screaming my feelings into Singstar. Nobody picks her, and the worst part is, she’s really sweet about it. Come back, Jasmin. I’d take your raw sk8r kid realness over a million of Dallas’s hats any day.
8:53: Our next contestant for the evening, Holly, grew up on a cattle station in the Northern Territory, and her dad spins witticisms like “just because you’ve got a head like a sewing machine, that doesn’t mean that you’re a singer.” I have no idea what that means but I’m completely on board. However, we don’t get to hear her just yet, becuase first, we’re meeting Nathan, who looks a bit like the werewolf from Twilight if you slapped him in double denim and made him a good-natured country kid. He’s adorable, but sadly, his Keith Urban is a bit flat and nobody turns. Doesn’t matter, he’ll be positively slaying it when he gets back to Wagga.
9:02: Wow, the lady in the Depend commercial is REALLY confident now she has her bladder situation under control.
9:04: It’s finally time for country girl Holly to sing. Her voice is high and lilting, and it reminds me a little bit of Lisa Mitchell maybe, and she gives a very confident performance. I have no idea what jazzy song she sings, because Twitter won’t tell me, but she’s very adept and is clearly going to sail through. She picks Joel, and is his first lady of the season. Jasmin is probably seething right now.
The infographic at the end of the show informs us that we’re only half way through blind auditions. Wow. Get your head around that. Four nights of blind auditions down, four to go.
Picture: Allen Berezovsky via Getty Images