Last week, I was so busy Googling the spelling of Zaachariah‘s bloody name that I looked away at a crucial moment and missed his cruel Kylie snub. Fortunately, the gif-makers of Australia were on the case, and the moment will live on forever on the internet, or at least until such time as a team of scientists working in one of will.i.am‘s Swiss labs invent the thing that will replace the internet.
6:35: In the introductory clip package, a voice-over says that The Voice is the place to “step up, seize the moment and deliver.” Everything everybody says on this show could be printed on an inspirational poster on someone’s toilet wall, possibly with a picture of a kitty cat. First up tonight is Tahlia Tabone from Melbourne. Her dad’s a vintage music enthusiast, and to hammer the point home, she says that his jukebox was her iPod back in the day. Pictures of Elvis flash by, and I’m not sure, but I think the implication might be that Tahlia’s a bit retro.
6:40: It’s finally Tahlia‘s turn to sing. Dressed in tight pleather pants, she belts her way through Aretha Franklin‘s ‘Think’, but her expansive hand gestures and wide, plaintive eyes don’t make up for the fact that she’s super sharp. The judges don’t turn for her, and the nicest thing will.i.am can say is that her voice reminded him of an “emergency siren”, which is actually incredibly harsh in context and possibly the meanest thing that anybody has ever said on The Voice Australia. Ricky tells her she looks like she was having a good time, and then just like that, she’s gone.
6:50: “Having a great voice isn’t enough, you need more,” says will.i.am distractedly in a clip package, which sorta, kinda invalidates the whole point of the show, but we’ll gloss over that, because it’s time for Josh to sing. He opens his handsome mouth and ‘The Blower’s Daughter’ by Damian Rice, otherwise known as the song from Closer, comes out. Ricky turns right when he croons the line ‘I can’t take my eyes of you,’, and he points and winks in response, and the two of them share a very special moment. “You had my internal turn-around,” says Kylie, a statement that weirdly sums up the feelings I have for Josh right now. Vocally, he’s not the strongest, but he looks enough like the Bonds guy that people are going to be behind him no matter what.
6:57: Maybelle Galuvao was a teen pop star in New Zealand. Her husband is a footy player, and she SIDELINED her career for him but now is having another TRY. There may be even more football puns in the voice over that I missed, but I’ve pretty much exhausted my knowledge of sport with those two. Anyway, BRB, I’m going to try and fine a photo of Maybelle in her amazing ’90s pop star getup.
7:04: Here’s one. Enjoy. It’s now time for Maybelle to sing. She does ‘Gravity’ by Sara Bareilles and clearly has years of experience doing this, because she sounds great. “Turn around please!” shouts her son from backstage, making him the politest kid in all of Voice history. Kylie praises the “confidence and maturity” in her voice, and it’s not surprising she’d pick out those qualities, since so many of her competitors are basically fetuses. Maybelle’s great. I’m on board, and so’s Kylie.
7:09: Nick and Rachel are a couple from Melbourne, an both claim to play in punk pop bands, even though I kinda thought that stopped being a thing before either of them was born. He’s super tall seems perpetually a bit surprised and I think I’m going to call him Hodor from now on. She’s teeny tiny and is wearing what I assume is a pink wig because that can not be her real hair. The two of them are auditioning separately. WILL THEIR RELATIONSHIP SURVIVE THE STRAIN? I don’t know, probably, I’m still kind of fixated on Maybelle‘s amazing ’90s hair.
7:16: Rachel is up first, with Lady Gaga‘s ‘You And I’, and well … let’s just say I suspect Nick is the voice in this relationship.
7:17: “It didn’t happen at the moment it needed to happen,” says will.i.am, once again assuming the role of the shockingly reasonable guy on the panel. She takes the rejection very well, and gracefully watches as Nick takes the stage. His vocals are a little bit Kevin Mitchell from Jebediah, and like Rachel, he has volume but not a lot of control, and sounds like he’s used to singing in front of a very loud band instead of whatever the hell is happening right now. He tries his hardest to smile through it when nobody turns around. He and Rachel have their sweet couple moment, and will one day tell their kids, who I’m guessing will be average height, about the day they met Joel Madden.
7:49: Blake from Perth lost 36 kilos before his stint on The Voice, and is straight-up adorable. After a clip package showing childhood photos of him as Kurt in The Sound Of Music and young Peter Allen in The Boy From Oz, he sings ‘Fall At Your Feet’ by Crowded House, and is pretty solid. He sings with a strong Aussie inflection and has the sort of voice that you could easily imagine hearing from an indie rock band on triple j. Joel chooses him, and he’s in. What a nice lad that young Blake is.
7:59: “Our last contestant has just made one of life’s biggest commitments – he’s decided to put his honeymoon on hold for the voice!” says the voice over guy, confirming that not even he is listening to himself speak anymore. Julian has just gotten married and is about to go to Sri Lanka for a second ceremony, but he stops by The Voice to sing Justin Timberlake‘s ‘Suit And Tie’ and pretty much crushes the falsetto. Kylie and will turn instantly as Julian’s mum and wife lose their fucking shit backstage. Julian is feeding off the judges’ energy and starts leering and shoulder grooving like a drunk uncle at a wedding, but if you leave his dance moves out of it, he’s pretty ace.
image via YouTube