Tonight we enter the next phase of The Voice with the Live Finals in which the remaining 24 contestants perform, solo, in front of a live audience – including you and me! Who knows what kind of craziness the unforgiving live television gauntlet could lead to. Personally
we’re I’m looking forward to seeing some special performances. Right, Delta?
Let’s get into it…
7:35pm: Quick update everyone: we get to vote for the contestants after these performances. Better get my phone credit amped up.
7:36pm: DARREN MCMULLEN IS WEARING VELVET.
7:38pm: The four mentors (Seal, Joel Madden, Delta Goodrem and Keith Urban) are doing a group performance. Seal just did a slide across the front of the stage, the kind of move that would hurt most people except for those HIGH ON MARIJUANA?
7:40pm: My boyfriend just informed me that the song was “Sing” by My Chemical Romance. Relevant.
7:42pm: Delta has spent several days on the tanning bed. Seal has spent several days on the ‘getting mad stoned’ bed. Specifically, his bed.
7:45pm: Velvet ensconced Darren McMullen has just announced that only Delta and Seal‘s contestants are performing tonight. I hope the contestants do a great job in spite of that.
7:47pm: Seal’s first singer is 16-year-old Fatai doing “Empire State Of Mind”, the version without Jay-Z. She has a smile that doesn’t quit and hits all the notes. Delta is saying things about her but is mainly gleaming like a bronze statuette because of her immense spray tan. Seal says that Fatai makes him look like a genius. -_-
Come on Seal. Not even a personal copywriter could make you look like a genius, buddy.
7:49pm: It’s up to you now, Australia. (“PS That dress is disgusting”, says my boyfriend.)
7:52pm: Sorry to go off topic, but can Tricky Business just begin already? I’m so over seeing those ads with Shane Bourne and adult contemp music.
Adam Matt (thanks commenters) is one of Delta’s contestants, who basically got chosen because he incorporated her name into his blind audition. The guy’s a genius, that I won’t deny.
7:56pm: Ruh roh. He’s singing “White Noise” by the Living End. This is not a good song for anyone except probably the Living End – legends of Australian rock that features the upright bass. “He’s like a poor man’s David Campbell” my boyfriend comments. I’m going to rely heavily on him tonight because he is so on point.
7:58pm: Keith quite liked the performance and Delta loved that he “is an artist who wants to give everything to everybody in this room.” That’s among my favourite quotes of non-quantifiable bullshit that the mentors have said throughout the entire show!
8:04pm: Team Seal is on! Be alert but not alarmed. The singer is one of my early favourites Karise.
8:08pm: Seal chose a very lacklustre song for someone with a voice like Karise’s. She has such a unique great soul tone and the tune never gave her a chance to take off. However, after the performance the judges are keen and Joel says “you got more soul than a sneaker shop.” How long have you been sitting on that one mate. Nicole Richie shrugs. Seal mouth kisses Karise?!?
8:17pm: Ben Bennett is on next. He’s an exciting contestant because he appears to be under 13. Delta chose a One Direction song for him because, quote, they’re so hot right now, unquote.
8:18pm: Ben Bennett has blond helmet hair. Yikes! But, in his defence, what 16-year-old male choir member doesn’t have blond helmet hair these days? As usual, Keith Urban sang along to every word. Is there any song that guy doesn’t know word for word? Or, the better question: is Keith Urban a robot?
8:21pm: Delta is rocking some interesting hair braids and an intense tan tonight. “Delta looks like an extra on the Arnold Schwartzenegger-era Conan The Barbarian,” according to my boyfriend.
8:29pm: Michael, one of Seal’s charges is up next singing “Got to Get You Into My Life”. He’s one of my favourites because he smiles when he sings and wears stupid hats. I normally hate stupid hats, but for some reason this guy makes them super endearing.
9:31pm: Hmm… I don’t think this is Michael’s best work. He seemed to get a bit lost midway through and his eyes were darting about the room like a frightened guinea pig. Seal has just made a comment about that in the post-performance criticism. But, like many times I’ve momentarily agreed with Seal, again this time he has something insane to add: “I feel like you were like a doppelganger…” so Seal clearly knows not of what he speaks.
8:36pm: Next up is one of Delta’s crew, Danni. Delta has her singing a song that I’m not sure about but it feels like a full Eighties rock ballad. FYI Keith knows every word. Robot.
8:44pm: The judges are giving their two cents on Danni. Keith for starters thought she was great. Golden Monument of the Sun Gods aka Delta thought she brought the “internal womanly power”, which is such the kind of thing a person dipped in a spiritual bronze coating would say.
8:59pm: Delta’s Russian renegade Viktoria performed “Bang Bang (you shot me down)” by Nancy Sinatra. Despite the fact I thought her version was underwhelming, the Russian is definitely a compelling performer.
Aw, I shouldn’t lie: I missed most of it because I am trying to eat my dinner. Sorry y’all.
9:44pm: apologies for the absence we’re working through some server issues and will be right back!
9:57pm: Sorry dudes. The server went down and so we missed the last half hour of the episode. I feel so helpless!?! All I know is that Guy Sebasian’s Brother performed a song that sounded a lot like a Guy Sebastian song and someone else sang something else…?
10:01pm: Look, let’s not fight. We’ll talk about this later.
Later: Seal team representative Guy Sebastian’s brother did an extremely average version of what I initially thought was a Guy Sebastian song, but it was actually David Guetta feat. Chris Brown. Emma-Louise Birdsall performs the Aretha Franklin standard “I Never Loved A Man (The Way I Love You)” and does a decent job with the song and her delivery of it. She does the ‘torch song’ styling well with a floor length red dress, red lips and relevant hand gestures.
Rachael, Delta’s legally blind contestant, sang the very poorly chosen song “Hands” by Jewel and was pretty bad. She was very out of tune. For some reason the judges were all “that was exquisite” which it seriously wasn’t. At the risk of making enemies and committing karmic suicide, I think the judges are going easy on Rachael because she’s blind. *Flinches while waiting for lightning/wrath of gods/case of raging Chlamydia*
I haven’t been struck dead or found myself surrounded by brimstone so I guess I’ll be back again for next week’s show where Joel and Keith’s contestants will take the stage. If you have any thoughts, comments and concerns get them off your chest in the section below.