Welcome back to The Voice Australia for another round of that part in the competition where it is no longer about “the voice” and instead contestants are judged based on completely ridiculous non-quantifiables like who “wants it more” or who “owned it a little bit more”. Come at us, entertainment…
7:41pm: Had to wait until 7:41 for the ep to begin tonight. *Rolls eyes like a jerk*
7:43pm: The Voice website was touting that tonight they’ve “SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST”. Will Joel‘s first pair of contestants to meet for a vocal duel be THE BEST? He has picked two of his chicks, Michelle and Carmen, to sing “We Found Love” by Rihanna featuring Calvin Harris. Sorry to the person who has to be Calvin Harris.
7:46pm: “They talk about ‘connecting’ a lot”, comments my boyfriend. “This ain’t LEGO”, he says. Then nudges me and goes “you can use that if you want.” Cheers. They ARE talking about ‘connecting’ a lot so far, exactly the kind of non-quantifiables I mentioned before.
7:47pm: PS Is Benji Madden a mute?
7:49pm: Carmen and Michelle have fairly similar tones to their voices, I think I prefer Carmen because she is younger and has outrageous hair. God that’s a Joel thing to say… Joel is sitting there swinging his head with a self-satisfied grin. Seal watches with this pained look as if to say “mmm, don’t stop” because he loves it so much he never wants that beautiful pain to end ever.
7:52pm: Okay, so to the judges verdict. Joel is left with the final call and he says “The person who’ll take the battle is who found the soul of the song and who connected.” More connecting for f*cks sake!?
7:52pm: HOLD THE PHONE: BENJI JUST SPOKE UP.
7:55pm: They’ve gone to an ad break. This is the single biggest cliffhanger in the entire series so far.
7:56pm: Great. They show nothing of Benji finishing his sentence and gloss over to Joel’s decision as if something amazing didn’t just happen. What the heck, producers? Anyway the person Joel chooses based on how well she connected with him tonight is Carmen. She’s the right choice.
7:60pm: Next up tonight are Seal‘s contestants, tracksuit pant wearing chap with a James Blunt-like voice, and the guy who is concerned people underestimate him because of his good looks. Ugh. Mate, people probably underestimate you because you say retarded things like that.
8:03pm: LOL. Just realised I wrote the time as “7:60pm” above. Whaaat?
8:04pm: There’s way too much fist pumping going on in this duel so far. Good looking tool started out sounding extremely average tonight, but he’s warming up as the song goes on. Trackies, who comes from a competitive karaoke background, seems to be bringing some classic karaoke moves like emotional headshaking and attempts to get the audience clapping. Seal is fake smiling. I feel you Seal. That was shit.
8:08pm: None of the judges were impressed, and Seal is going to have to pick the best of a bad pair. The good looking Sam just wins out. Probably because, let’s be honest, he’s better looking than old karaoke guy. This outcome will only reinforce Sam’s attitude.
8:13pm: Keith is next and chooses two identical straight-haired blonde gals, Brittany and Kelsie. Keith is making them sing that gorgeous, sad Adele ballad i.e. any one of them. Keith and his backup mentor Megan Washington try helping the girls “find their vulnerability” and send them off to stage rehearsal. Megan says “You’ve created a monster. A beautiful blonde two-headed monster”. Washington is possibly my soul mate.
8:23pm: Battle of the blondes is about to begin. Brace yourself, Joel.
8:25pm: Delta is close to tears. She’s been quiet so far tonight. Except for her giant stack of hair, which is pretty loud.
8:27pm: Everyone loved it. All the judges gave them a standing ovation! Seal loved it but thought Brittany was the standout performer, so did Joel. Delta preferred Kelsie for the “artistry” she brought to the song. It’s all down to Keith – and my girl Megan Washington (wearing a gorgeous black lace dress by LOVER tonight) – because he needs her help for this tough decision.
8:32pm: Shit just saw that there’s a $70million Oz Lotto draw on tomorrow night.
8:34pm: It’s time for Keith to deliver his verdict. He makes his decision based on the actual VOICE of the contestant. Maverick alert! Keith chooses Brittany.
8:36pm: Time for Delta to announce her next battle pairing, y’all! It feels like Delta is playing down her condescending-mole vibes this week. I’m actually not disliking her and feel weird about it. The contestants are Matt and exciting Gaysian Jerson who’ll be performing “Higher Ground” by Stevie Wonder.
8:39pm: Optical update: It’s rehearsals and Delta is wearing thick black spectacles that we’ve never seen before?!? Wearing non-prescription glasses is just low; it’s like unnecessarily riding around in a wheelchair. Doesn’t she have a legally blind contestant on her team? Delta’s back in my bad books.
8:40pm: Matt is yelling. It’s scaring the children in the audience.
8:43pm: Seal says “I gravitated more toward Jerson… I watched you more…” His eyes and finger nails glint creepily.
8:44pm: Delta choose Matt the yeller?! Idiot.
8:50pm: LOL. Just saw an ad for Women’s Day magazine with a Delta Goodrem exclusive about how she has become the most scrutinised woman on tv.
8:51pm: Joel is back with bright red haired contestant channeling Katy Perry Sarah and former girl band member Jana who is worried people think she’s just a pretty face -_-
8:55pm: They’re singing Gossip tune “It Takes Two”. Right now it is taking these two to make my ears bleed a little. Both contestants stood with far too wide a stance while singing, if you catch my drift… (Slutty). Seal called up Jana for over-performing, which I completely agree with. However he also says “Sarah, I’ll go with you because you were more centred.” Lol. They’re not summoning their chi, Seal.
9:00pm: In the end Joel agrees with Seal and chooses Sarah. He whispers to her “you nailed it” when she gets off stage and wiggles his eyebrows up and down suggestively.
9:02pm: Only kidding about the eyebrow thing.
9:05pm: Keith’s up. He’s picked a James Taylor tune for his pair, country singer Brett and lounge lizardish older type Darren. In the rehearsal he sings with such joy he’s made Megan Washington cry! “Megan you pussy!” my boyfriend says, rather unwisely, considering she’s my kindred.
9:10pm: Country-Brett kicks off the performance sounding super country, with his American ‘r’s and smiling with his eyes. Keith nods and smiles in appreciation. Joyful-Darren actually elicits a burst of applause from the audience when he starts to sing. He’s definitely got a unique, sincere type of onstage charisma. He makes Brett positively wet-blankety in comparison.
9:14pm: Song’s over, and Joel thinks Darren stole the song. Delta picks Darren too. Keith is just stoked that they’re both great blokes. Classic Keith, what a guy. He ends up choosing Darren who starts weeping. Bless.
9:19pm: Megan and Darren sitting in a tree, you bawling pussies!
9:23pm: A platinum blond child is in the rehearsal room with Delta. Is his guardian aware of this?
9:25pm: Hang on, the child’s name is Ben and he’s (allegedly) 17 and a contestant on the show. He’s up against the contest’s only duo, a youngish girl and guy. Seriously though, how lame is this fireflies-planet-earth song?
9:26pm: “He’s definitely in the Friend Zone,” my boyfriend observes of the boy in the duo.
9:28pm: Overall, that was one of the lamest things I’ve ever seen. The mentors don’t agree and for some unknown reason think they were all great. WHAT. Delta chooses Ben as the winner, and I recommend he get some adult supervision immediately.
9:37pm: It’s SEAL TIME. The final performance for the night will feature Emma Louise and Casey singing “At Last” by Etta James. Dangerous business indeed… Luckily, both these girls can actually wail.
9:38pm: Seal wants this shit to be “an event”. They better bring it.
9:39pm: (Ugh. Sorry I’ve started using terms like “bring it”.)
9:41pm: Nerve wracking times on The Voice you guys. Both singers have talent and I have a feeling this one is going to be tight. I’m backing Casey…
9:46pm: As soon as the song begins Seal is off his chair and doing what looks like a physical interpretation of the word ‘swooning’. It’s absolutely ridiculous.
9:49pm: That was actually boring. I’m sorry to say it, but I found myself distracted by Twitter after the first few lines because it just did not engage me at all. It’s actually going to be a difficult decision for crazy Seal, who’s had to confer with Ricki Lee.
9:52pm: Based on tonights performance he has gone with Emma Louise. I have to agree that she was better on the night. As a consolation, Seal is rubbing his gleaming head onto Casey’s hairdo.
9:94pm: So that’s the end of the battle rounds you guys. Next week the individual performances begin and we can get to know the remaining contestants – and their mentors – even better. Come with me for the journey, if you dare… Who’s your favourite/s so far? Hit the comment section.
