‘The Voice Australia’ Episode 05: Live Blog

It’s Sunday night, which means it’s time for another episode of The Voice Australia and with it a new instalment of the live blog. As much as enjoy the solidarity between all us Voice viewers , it is with regret that I will be missing out on watching stoic Denzel Washington help a high school football team overcome the struggles of racial integration in Remember The Titans which is screening at the same time (on 7mate). The contestants on The Voice better kick a fucking field goal tonight to make this sacrifice worthwhile. We begin…

6:32pm: Tonight we’ll see more Blind Auditions and the first contestant is 32 year old Nicholas Royce who works in the music industry writing and producing others. He wants to be a star though. Duh!

6:34pm: Nicholas gets on stage and sits at the piano and starts singing some super soft pop song. I’m pretty sure it’s by that Ed Sheeran dude or The Script or Damien Rice. I’m going to be pretty embarro if it’s by the Rolling Stones aren’t I. He has a really listenable husky voice. Seal and Joel turn around in the first minute, and not long after Delta and Ricky get on the .

6:36pm: Delta tells Nicholas that she would love to have him on her team and says “I love that you were behind the piano, there’s something SEXY about a man playing the piano.” There is something unsexy about anyone saying the word “Sexy” ever.

6:38pm: This is a controversial statement but I don’t think I’m a Ricky Martin fan. To be honest the guy doesn’t even seem like a real person because he speaks only in terrible earnest, drippingly positive platitudes and he just seems extremely one dimensional. He tells Nicholas more BS like “I want to see the soul that is inside you” etc. (Maybe not exactly that sentence, which I think I may have stolen from a song?)

6:44pm: In the end Nicholas picks Seal who makes a grrrrrrr!-sounding tongue roll when he talks about Nicholas’s tone.

6:46pm: Next to audition is a Kate Reeve who has plum coloured hair who used to be plump and “has gotten used to rejection” because of her size. Oh come on, Kate. You’re better than this, surely?

6:48pm: Kate is singing “Piece Of My Heart” by Janis Joplin and has a good voice, if a little one-dimensional. There’s no real soul or edge to her tone. Fittingly then, Ricky turns around, fist-pumping with a smile so large I think his face will tear apart and a slime-coated alien baby will explode out of it. Naturally Kate chooses to place her future as a recording artist in the hands of an insane grinner


6:58pm: The next person to audition is Josh Kyle, a chap with combed hair and a tailored sartorial vibe going on. He has a lounge-y white-soul kind of voice – like the most terrifying-looking man in adult contemporary music, Simply Red’s Mick Hucknell. His voice is a little flat (which means he sings a little under the note) and he’s not a super compelling performer. Delta and Ricky both swivel, and during the bidding part Ricky says that the song “Fragile” by Sting, is “his favourite song of all time” and that he thinks Sting is the greatest artist ever. Good grief you guys. Ricky is a walking adult contemporary album. Josh, clearly frightened by Ricky’s enthusiasm toward Sting, goes with Delta.

7:10pm: Karen Andrews is the lead singer of a covers band. Her alter-ego is called “Miss Murphy” who is a star. Karen Andrews is shy and reserved, so she needs the alter-ego to getting into the zen-zone of performance. This is interesting! She has a really soft gentle speaking voice.

7:11pm: Karen is singing “I’d Rather Go Blind” and has this deep, rich soul voice. Joel says “She sounds like [last year’s winner] Karise!” And she actually does a bit. This lady is pretty good. She’s got more interesting elements to her voice and personality than the other three combined.

7:14pm: Seal says “All I know is I HAVE to coach you” then says he is either the best LIVE coach or the best LIFE coach. I believe either. Ricky says “I will bring my heart out and just give it to you” (groan), and Delta says she’s a woman and is “a woman who understands other women,” before throwing down a glass vial and disappearing in a puff of hairspray cackling wildly. Kidding. She just sits there looking earnest. In the end Karen (who introduced herself to the judges as “Miss Murphy” – alarm bells?) chooses Seal Ricky.

7:20pm: I Just received a text message from a friend that reads: “How about u put a bra on Delta.” LOL.

7:22pm: Marisa is performing next. She’s a country musician with the hint of a yodel in her voice. She’s singing “We’re All Gonna Die Some Day”, which is the most country-music song title of all time. Marisa is giving it her all but no one turns around because country music is yawn.

7:27pm: Next is long-haired surfer bro who is the personification of *that guy* who pulls chicks by singing Jack Johnson jams and “Brother” by Matt Corby at campfires. I know this for a fact. He sings “I Will Wait For You” by Mumford & Sons and Joel turns around. Joel is beyond stoked when he sees he’s landed a good looking young dude who sings popular folk-pop songs and strums the guitar.

OMG you guys! This just in from Darren McMullen:

7:33pm: Brisbane gal Viva Lale is up next. She’s here to sing for her family members who were killed in a house fire. She says “I just wish they were here today to see me.” Ugh I might actually cry.

7:38pm: Viva is singing “One Sweet Day” (Mariah Carey featuring Boyz II Men – der), which has the lyrics “I know you’re shining down on me from heaven”. Well done, producers. Her voice isn’t a real stand out and none of the judges turn around. Once they hear the back story (and she tells the judges a lot of details about the fire i.e. it was the worst house fire to ever happen in Australia. Yikes). Seal said he wishes he’d turned around now, which kind of goes against the whole ethos of this show.

7:46pm: Where’s this battle royale McMullen was talking about?

7:49pm: Next up is a lady who is married to but recently separated from Joe Camilleri, the lead singer of The Black Sorrows, which is the most weirdly irrelevant backstory I think the producers have ever trotted out. Her name is Atlanta.

7:51pm: Atlanta is singing a solid version of “Son Of A Preacher Man” but sounds a little bit ‘session singer’. None of the judges swivelled and Seal says she didn’t quite get there and Delta says there needed to be “a few more colours” in her voice. Next!

7:57pm: Guys, I think this is it: the moment Darren McMullen’s been gearing us up for since 7:27-7:28pm! The contestant’s name is Caterina and she signed a ‘world wide recording contract’ at age 18 but it didn’t work out. She better be good.

7:59pm: Caterina is actually pretty impressive. She’s got a proper ‘pop artist’ voice and moves around the stage with purpose, not like a lost puppy finding a spot to wee like so many of the other contestants. All the judges turn around and are loving Caterina and Delta is *grooving* with many rhythmic shoulder movements. Ricky immediately asks Caterina if she’s Spanish (her last name is Torres) and they start riffing in Spanish together. The other judges are filthy about this. Ricky tells Caterina she’s a star. Then Seal says she is not a star but if she wants to be one he’s going to work her very hard and she will become one. Now Ricky is pissed. “I need to drive my car and you come on the radio and I need to park my car so I can listen to you,” Ricky explains. “Ricky’s gone Yoda on us,” says Delta. LOL. That’s the first thing that’s ever made me want to high five Delta.

8:06pm: Caterina chooses Ricky. Solidarity between bilingual peeps.

8:07pm: So quick wrap up: Ricky now has 10 contestants on his team, Team Joel has nine, and Team Delta and Team Seal both have eight. Tune in tomorrow for more Blind Auditions, cracked out positivity from Ricky Martin, and the rectangular flesh patch on Delta Goodrem’s chest. Hit the comment section and place your bids for the best performance of the night, the most insane piece of bullshit to come from the mouths of judges, and your favourite scene from Remember The Titans. Good night!