Right, that’s it, The Bachelor has fully cooked it and is now ENTIRELY orchestrated as fodder for the ever increasing number of Bachelor Recaps on the Australian media scene.
Case in point: jelly wrestling.
It was ‘cleverly disguised’ as the extra to a superhero-themed photo shoot – ‘Well, while we’re already in these costumes, we might as well!’ – but there is zero fucking chance that wrestling in a paddling pool of jelly wasn’t the aim all along.
Tragic hopeful and great personality owner Heather orchestrated the event, possibly with a Channel 10 exec holding her family hostage.
Her date with current Bachelor Sam Wood began as a photoshoot with superhero costumes Heather designed herself. [Full disclosure: this five minute clip amounts to the total time I’ve ever spent watching The Bachelor. Does this classify as a normal dating activity in Bachelor world? Asking for none of my friends.]
Based on the amount of time during said photoshoot that Heather spent looking at Sam, and the amount of time Sam spent looking at the camera / orchestrating each pose so he was ‘the dominant one’, I think I can see where this is going: Heather to singledom, and Sam to front Big W’s S/S ’17 campaign.
Literally. In. Front. Of. Her.
Then we get to the jelly wrestling part of it and Sam assumes the full frat boy lean back, fist to mouth position because he knows he’s hit the fucking jackpot.
Jelly wrestling, in the traditional sense, is about playing out the fantasy lesbian scenario to the male gaze, and making them slide around in it. Jelly wrestling in The Bachelor sense is about ensuring maximum physical groin contact without ‘being too obvious’.
And it also gave us this shot, which Channel 10 had the *opportunity* to chop but instead watched that chance fly right on by.
*stands up*
*wipes jelly on pants*
Well, that’s it, folks – the lowest point.
Watch it HERE, if you must.
