‘Bachie In Paradise’ Is Officially Back Next Year, So Let’s Predict The Batshit Cast

FOLKS. It’s official. It’s not like we didn’t know it was going to happen, but still. Official = exciting. Yep, Bachelor In Paradise Australia is back for season 2 in 2019, as announced by Our Fair Oshie on Instagram today.

Because that alone isn’t a news story, and I like writing absolute drivel into this website, I decided that I would predict the has-beens from our Bachelor/Bachelorette seasons that’ll be galumphing around that dreary Fiji island out of season, forming ill-advised romances that then end spectacularly badly in the real world!

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Obviously, we don’t have the cast list for Bachelorette 2018 as yet. But no matter. Given it’s Ali they’ll probably be as boring as a beige couch cushion anyway. SORRY BUT IT’S TRUE.

Also I’ve done like a LOW level stalk to suss if these people are in relationships, but a) relationships can end, especially when attention-seekers are thrown producer money and the chance for an extra 15 min of fame, and b) who cares.


COME ON YOU GUYS. As if Cat isn’t going to be sent into that godforsaken sludge-hole to wreak havoc on everyone, sitting at the bar sipping smuntily on her mango daiquiri like a meaner version of Keira. Whether you hate her or REALLY hate her, it’s basically inevitable she’ll land a spot on the show.


GUYS REMEMBER HEATHER? I totally forgot about her, but how great would she be on Paradise? Remember when she did that weird superhero date and it was terrible? So great.


I recall him being QUITE the fuckwit. But he was a babe. And let’s not pretend half the reason we watch Paradise is for the fuckwittery.


If you missed the last couple of eps of the current Bachelor season, you may have missed the BEAUTY, nay the WONDER, that was Unhinged Brittany. She was nicknamed that by my Editor Josie, as there is already a Brittany in the mansion and this Brittany was… well. Unhinged. Cannot WAIT for her drunk-divorcee-on-Cairns-vacay vibes to light up my TV screen again.


Courtney, to me, was like Jake Ellis but less of face-I-want-to-punch.


Cam was sorely missed on Bachie In Paradise during season one, and frankly I want the extremely hot, heart-of-gold firie to find the girl of his dreams – that girl being, I’ve personally decided…


YOU GUYS, I don’t care if Cass and Badge had coffee this week. There is no way she’s winning that show, and when she’s inevitably booted I will probably cry – that poor woman has been through the WRINGER. Yes, she’s a bit intense. But she also is pure of heart, and was thrust into this weird sitcho where she’s been put in front of a guy she was CLEARLY obsessed with on the outside, and now has to fight 18 women for his attention. YOU’D BE A BIT WEIRD TOO, OK. Long story short – she deserves a sweet angel, and Cam is that sweet angel.


IDK, can ex-Bachelor-ex-Bachelorette contestants go on Bachelor In Paradise? I vote YES. Richie is, as far as I know, still single and INFINITELY HOTTER THAN EVER. Hell, if he’s going on then I’m going on, and I’ll put poison ivy into everyone else’s beds so they wake up with rashes, have to go to the infirmary (in my mind Bachie In Paradise is like school camp and has an infirmary) and I just get to develop my relationship with Richie, the end.


Cobie was heaps cute, and a total contender. But then she disappeared? I can’t even remember how she was booted, or when. Plus she had a COOL JOB – COAL MINE OPERATOR. She can marry Richie the off-shore miner or whatever he does.