It’s time – time to go back to Bachie land for The Bachelorette Australia. This time, our Bach-gal is Angie Kent from Gogglebox fame, and she’s a DELIGHT, folks.

As always, episode 1 is full of boring bits (meeting guys we will forget in 1 hour!) and fun bits (idiots making idiots of themselves!) but ALSO as always we (me, Mel and my Editor Josie) are here to recap it all for you and yell at the TV screen.

JOSIE: It feels like only yesterday but also 12 years ago that we were talking about… Matt, was it? Kelsey? Chelsie? Whatever, it’s time for 20 grown men to squabble over 1 woman and the feminist in me just adores it. I’m not a Gogglebox watcher but also not a Gogglebox hater like you Mel, so I am pretty indifferent about Angie, I have no real opinion on her. But I will say at the start when she was talking about going on the show she didn’t seem like she was that desperate to find a man? Like it more seems that Ten thought she’d be a fun choice for Bachelorette and that’s why she is here. They didn’t lay on the “I’m single, wahhhhh” as much as they usually do.

MEL: I did like that. I think my aversion toward Angie as Bachelorette is just because she’s like, a regular pleb like me – she just happened to be on Gogglebox, the worst show in existence. Buttttt in all fairness, I prefer the “regular plebs” like Georgia Love and Matt Agnew anyway, if I’m honest. So I’ve already come around to her – she’s refreshing because she’s very independent and a bit weird, I see a lot of myself in her if I’m honest! I still, however, hate Gogglebox.

JOSIE: One thing I noticed that for a regular pleb she was really comfortable in the red carpet bit and it was really nice, because it made the blokes more relaxed? Like she was down to earth and chatty, probably because she’d had 50 champagnes but also do what you need to do to get through the weirdest experience ever, girl.

MEL: Fully! She was very chill, even in the face of the worst red carpet gimmicks I’ve ever seen on this show. But let’s start from the beginning – first up is Timm and he gets the “wifey” music. “husby” music?? Whatever. He’s about to break both legs carrying the most enormous bunch of sunflowers I’ve ever seen in my life.

This is too much positive flower energy.

JOSIE: Why on earth did he bring 100 sunflowers on the show? Like, a small bunch really would have sufficed. A dozen sunflowers from the local florist? Fine. That bunch was almost as big as Angie herself. But she was all into it because they’re like a special flower to her and she took it as a sign from the universe. The other thing I think she was taking as a sign from the universe was Tim being tall and extremely cute.

MEL: I think she absolutely would have taken like, Timm bringing a packet of Saos as a sign from the universe because “they’re the cracker I ate with my Nan one time when I was 6”, because she was vibing Timm a LOT. Same, tbh – bit weird, very surfie, veeeeery maybe-fuckboy. Even Angie acknowledged that. It was the hair.

JOSIE: I do love how she was like fighting this battle all episode between her hormones and her common sense. “OOH YES TIMM”. “OHH NO, TIMM BAD.” It was very relatable. But as I said to you, the second I saw Timm I would have ended the show and jumped back in the limo with him, never to be seen again. Carlin in the white suit was also a looker, Angie’s face was like all her Christmases had come at once.

“Hi want to run away and marry me instead of do this whole goddamn show”

MEL: Carlin has the warmest face I’ve ever seen – I have this thing called “a warm face” where like, a guy has a really open and friendly-looking expression. That was Carlin – he just looks like a Good Boy, don’t you reckon?

JOSIE: Omg like the sweetest, goodest boy. Like a human golden retriever. And he did look ridiculously good in the white jacket, seriously only 0.02% of the male population can pull that look off without looking like a member of the catering staff and he is one of them. Meanwhile Kayde (I’m sorry Mr and Mrs Kayde, but this is NOT a name) was the absolute opposite of Carlin. If you have to explain who your doppelganger is then hun, he ain’t your doppelganger.

MEL: Oh. My. God. KAYDE. BEB. YOU DO NOT LOOK LIKE ZAC EFRON. I cannot fucking believe this guy dressed in a dollar store lifeguard outfit, then had to explain the entire outfit for 340 years so Angie would understand he had dressed as Zac Efron bc “everyone” (no one) tells him he looks like the movie star.

No.

JOSIE: I feel like Angie knew what he was getting at and deliberately played dumb for a bit longer to make him look like even more of a dickhead. And I appreciated it. Meanwhile can we talk about poor Pie Man, who basically offended the morals of and also killed vego coeliac Angie in one fell swoop by bringing her a meat pie? I felt so bad for him, and also realised that the perfect man is one whose family makes pies. I love pies.

MEL: Agreeee I hope Pie Man sticks around, he seemed like an angel. Also – I died when the fireman dude got out with a tiny puppy, and all Angie gave a shit about was this adorable little dog. Literally didn’t listen to a word he said, and he was basically telling her his entire life story. BIG MOOD.

JOSIE: He was being really intense too, like “Wow I feel such a connection with you Angie” and Angie’s like “OH MY GAWD THE DOG IS NUZZLING MEEEE AHHHHHHH!”. What kind of idiot brings a dog to a red carpet and doesn’t foresee that kind of reaction? Speaking of idiots, I was definitely ready to hate Paddy In A Wig, aka Ciarran who for some reason the producers decided we needed to see completely nude, showering. But then I didn’t hate him at all, am I weird?

MEL: WHYYYY did we see him completely nude in the shower?? No one asked for that?? Why? I didn’t hate him either but I also did not need to see his ass cheek this early on. Anyway blah blah I have forgotten everyone else who arrived because of JESS THE MAYOR OF NOOSA.

Sorry what the shit is this, that play from Game Of Thrones

JOSIE: Mel. This man. I am legitimately frightened of him. At first I was like HAHAHAHA cape, throne, cute gimmick. But he had the fucken creepiest energy. “Here’s the key to my apartment but you have to work for it”. Even Angie was like “…Doll. YOU have to work for ME”.

MEL: He has the most chaotic energy – sleazy but also creepy and also douchey. Also how he just kept wearing the cloak all through the cocktail party!? Dear lord.

JOSIE: Yes I know! Like every single other person who came with a gimmick then left their gimmick outside, except for him in his cape and Jamie in his fireman costume. We’ll get to their hilarious fight later but first we need to talk about UNDERCOVER BROTHER which is just so weird, to me. Like it’s one thing sending your brother in which is funny but then he had to, like, pretend to be a contestant and talk about how beautiful Angie is and how good their connection was? Excuse me while I vomit, I honestly thought I was done with TV incest vibes now that Game of Thrones is over.

UNCOMFORTABLE

MEL: I’m so glad you’ve said this because I also was thinking incest vibes when they hugged on the red carpet, even though I know Angie is just super close to her family. Like, sorry I can’t NOT think that when you have her brother dressed up like a contestant. It’s WEIRD. It was a vibe once he entered the cocktail party though, I feel like he did such a good job being Fake Mark.

JOSIE: It was so funny when Brad / Mark first walked in, the first thing anyone said was “Hey what’s up brother?” and he nearly LOLed but managed to keep it together. He was very good, almost too good! Like when he came over for a chat with Angie, all the other blokes were like “Mark’s such a dark horse, I reckon she’s into him”. I was dying. Anyway he gave great intel to Angie, including the tea that Mayor of Noosa – who in another GoT moment just reminds me of an adult Joffrey – said that he wouldn’t even accept a rose if Angie gave him one.

MEL: What a WEIRD FLEX that was! I still don’t understand his motives with that. Obviously Angie was livid and went immediately to get the full details from Jess, who still had his fucking throne with him, my god. Jess of course then went mental, going up to the fireman guy and accusing him of dobbing to Angie.

JOSIE: He picks the largest, most sensitive man to pick on and it honestly creates such a drama. Fireman Jamie literally CRIES and says “I don’t know how I will come back from this”.

MEL: AND THE PUSH, oh my god. The tiny angry push ruined me.

JOSIE: I felt bad because Jamie was very obviously upset but I was weeping from laughter at the tiniest of Joffrey pushes.

MEL: The most gentle of all pushes. The baby kitten of pushes.

JOSIE: That very large fireman could have literally punched Jess into another dimension. But instead he got upset at the “manipulation”. Bless. After all the drama was over Osher gathered everyone up to drop the bomb about Brad / Mark.

MEL: I’m sad they revealed this so soon! Incest discomfort aside, I felt like the secret brother gimmick was such a vibe. I wanted to see Fake Mark dob on everyone all season! At least until top five. But yes, Osher gives the secret away and the guys are surprisingly chill about it all. Anyway, Fake Mark goes to chat to Angie, and suggests she use her special 24-hour-date rose on someone she is interested in but not 100% on yet.

JOSIE: Side note, what about how Jess was like “Who’s Osher?” That’s the most demonic thing he said all episode, imo. Anyway yes, Actual Brad talks Angie through the guys to help her narrow down the most deserving yellow rose recipient and although she is obviously panting over Timm, she uses her heart and not her vagina and picks Carlin instead.

LOOK HOW HAPPY HE IS

MEL: GREAT decision IMO, especially since – while my vagina loves Timm too – he seemed like he’d had an entire brewery for dinner.

JOSIE: I swear I’ve heard they have a drink limit but he definitely seemed like he’d been secretly guzzling beer under the table all night. Love Timm to bits, but Carlin was a great pick. Especially because “Zac Efron” ruined his little guitar serenade earlier in the night. Sweet revenge for Carlin there. So after the yellow rose is given out, it’s time for the red ones and for some reason (beer), beautiful Timm is very nervous about his chances.

MEL: But luckily for all of our eyes he gets through, as does Jess (!!! WTF!!!)

JOSIE: Okay that was some producer BS right there. You can’t tell me that Angie didn’t want to take her uncomfortable stiletto and use it to boot him back into the underworld where he belongs. Even when she said his name she looked like she could smell poo. And then he turned back and gave her that creepy wink when they were saying goodbye to the two rejects and my skin has never crawled so much in my life. Next episode she needs to boot him and then call the police to tail him because the man definitely has a murder dungeon in his Noosa apartment.

MEL: If Jess isn’t booted next episode, we riot. Naturally, the two dudes who left are people I have never seen in my life. Literally had NFI who they were. Bye! Won’t miss ya! Sorry but it’s true.

Love Mel and Josie? Sure you do – this is Mel writing this, so you must say yes. Anyway we have a podcast, All Aussie Mystery Hour. Come have a listen, won’t ya?