While we’re quite used to seeing dicks in the Bachelorette Australia it’s usually people behaving like dicks, not, like their actual penises. But tonight was different – Angie Kent, god love her, copped an eyeful of two.

One was live and in the flesh courtesy of a very brave Ciarran in a life drawing class and the other was a baby photo of Timm, so not quite the sexy peen you might imagine but still, weird.

As usual, myself (Josie) and my sidekick Mel were there every step of the way and will now recap it, just for you. Enjoy.

JOSIE: Mel, in yesterday’s recap you predicted there would be people sipping tea and glaring sideways at Jamie in today’s episode, and you were absolutely bang-on. The Boys (well mainly Timm) were NOT happy about Jamie dogging them and approaching Angie at last night’s cocktail party.

Bachelorette Recap
hmm someone spiked my tea with toxic masculinity

But before Jamie can have a complete “I’M HERE FOR ANGIE NOT THE BOYS” meltdown, a well-timed Tom appears from Osher‘s home within the walls carrying a mysterious box.

Osher says hi by the way

MEL: How dare Tom enter Osher’s lair, ever! The rudeness. The box came with a date card, with half the guys listed on it – including Jamie, who was listed last. Naturally he almost had heart failure over the possibility of not scoring time with Angie. Then the box was opened – feather boas, bridesmaid sashes, and other hen’s party paraphernalia! I have to say, this was a great idea for a group date.

JOSIE: Especially when the token stretch Hummer rolled up to the mansion containing none other than Yvie, Angie’s BFF and Gogglebox sidekick. First Angie’s bro, now her best mate – they’re really choosing some good judges of character to suss out these blokes.

Bachelorette Recap
my exact face when greeted with a bunch of hot blokes and a pink hummer

When they’re all piled into the car Yvie does single out Ryan as being Angie’s perfect match on paper, and it’s not only Jamie who begins to stare into the void over it. Bloody Carlin also looks like he wants to hijack the Hummer and drive it and Ryan off a cliff, Thelma & Louise style.

MEL: And tbh, same? How shit would it be if some rando who knew the person you liked waltzed into the Bachelorette with a history and the bestie’s approval? Fuck that right off this planet. So then we see Angie with Osher and some lady, and she has NFI that a) her Bachelorette party is on today and b) that Yvie’s in attendance.

JOSIE: Yeah and like I said to you, everyone’s all “OMG RYAN SUCH A THREAT” but I haven’t seen much evidence of that? Like he’s very good-looking and likes dogs, but tbf a lot of these blokes are very good-looking and also like dogs. I don’t think a few DMs are that damning. Anyway, I loved that Angie also referred to her as “some lady”. She truly had no idea what was going on. So the party and Yvie were genuinely great surprises for her. One thing that wasn’t a surprise? Ciarran self-nominating to be the nude model in the life drawing class. Of course he did.

MEL: And aren’t we fucking 10000% glad he did, hoooo boy.

Bachelorette Recap
what, like it’s hard?

JOSIE: I mean, we saw his butt in the first episode which was actually super out of context because it was just him talking about his skincare routine and then suddenly there’s him naked in the shower? Not that I minded, but it was a little jarring. This however, THIS was most welcome. He just gets up there in front of his new mates, the girl he likes and her best friend and gets his junk out. Amazing confidence levels there.

MEL: He clearly had a good dick, and even Angie says it – yes, girl. We were all thinking it. You’d have to love your peen to be confident enough to whip it out, flaccid, in front of 15 dudes you’re competing with and the woman you like. So he starts modelling, and Angie/Yvie aren’t coping. They’re giggling into their champagne like schoolgirls. Best. Group Date. Ever.

doll i’m gonna need a thicker pencil

JOSIE: It was incredible. I have no idea how much time passed but it felt like he was nude up the front of that room for hours. He did get a little breather though when Yvie requested a one-on-one chat with him, which he did wearing only two bunches of grapes as clothing. I need these Ciarran levels of confidence. Do you think he’ll become a life coach after this show, because sign me up.

Bachelorette Recap
normal behaviour

MEL: SAME. Yvie was very into him, she loved his cheeky vibe and his confidence. She also chatted to Ryan, who she loved, and Carlin – who she found a bit too serious for Angie. Meanwhile, Jamie was doing whatever he could to get Angie and Yvie’s attention with his Bachelorette party getup.

Ted Bundy: The Vegas Years

JOSIE: Showing that he’s Fun And Silly™ just like Ciarran! Mate, no. You’re about as fun as a pap smear tbh. He was really like stewing on the fact that Yvie didn’t approach him for a chat – maybe he should have taken the initiative and spoken to her? He wasn’t chained to the chair, people were moving around the room. It was weird that he just sat there.

psych, this ice cream cart is actually a helicopter
oi nah the tribe has like spoken hey
Bachelorette Recap
quick before Jamie emerges from the bushes