Last night, The Bachelor managed to turn the entire Australian public off chocolate for the rest of their foreseeable lives.
How, you ask?
Just kidding, you all know the answer – by plonking
Richie and
Alex in a giant gloopy mess of it, and having them smear it on one another’s faces.
It was horrendous.
To back it up a bit, we first had to suffer through Richie and Alex feeding each other nuts (not a euphemism) as they tried to discover each other’s favourite flavour of chocolate.
This was all performed under the unamused gaze of Lindt‘s premier chocolate man, but if Mr Willy Wonka wasn’t too keen on the lovefest going on in his kitchen, then he should be positively vibrating with happiness that he didn’t witness the next bit.
This was the next bit:
Two human adults getting out of their clothes and into a mess.
That, mates, is a pretend gold bathtub in a pretend romantic situation filled to the brim with very real chocolate.
I have it on good authority from
PEDESTRIAN.TV‘s head of editorial
Vanessa Lawrence that
“body chocolate isn’t actually sticky”, but it bloody well looks it.
Christ, this shot of their clasped hands… covered in chocolate. How romantic. Definitely doesn’t look like you’ve just double fisted an ogre’s butthole.
Ten to one says chocolate sex is happening in that bathtub.
Oh look. The chocolate has somehow migrated up their bodies and is now all over their faces.
And now the hair. Stop that, Richie.
YOU TOO, ALEX.
Next minute – after Richie gives Alex a chocolate-covered rose – they decided to “do the full dunk”. And by that, we mean they dip their heads underneath the chocolate gunk and hope to god they don’t drown.
Alex? I don’t mean to sound insensitive but you look like a Pompeii victim.
And what in fresh fucking hell is this?
Oh no. Oh no no no.
And that, mates, is how chocolate sales dropped by a staggering 480% in the third quarter of 2016.
Of course, they both did their pieces-to-camera covered in chocolate, which makes you wonder: how warm was it? Alex looks cold. Is she cold? Did they keep the chocolate heated, or did they slowly let it stew down to room temperature?
“They said it would be luxurious!”
“I’ve made a terrible mistake.”
And there you have it. The single worst date in the history of the show, dating, and life itself.
Take heart, friends. The next time you roll over to your partner for unsatisfying morning sex, the next time your Tinder match sends you a disappointing dick pic, the next time your date has bad breathe and dandruff and a bad attitude towards the wait staff all in one…. the next time any of this happens, remember: it could be worse. You could be neck-deep in brown filth while some cocksure bloke rubs it into your blow dry, for television.
Life ain’t so bad, hey?
Photo: The Bachelor.
