WE MADE IT, EVERYONE. The Bachelor Australia finale is here! Who will Angie Kent choose, Timm Hanly the mildly unhinged fun-times guy or Captain Serious & New River Boy Carlin Sterritt?
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As always, Josie (Head Of Editorial) and myself (Senior Style & Features Editor) are here to recap this bitch. At night. In our pyjamas. Just acknowledge this deep sacrifice, we bleed for you.
Here we go, mates.
JOSIE: Well I’m here recapping by myself which is only fair because I’ve been on holidays this week, and now Mel is out for dinner but she’ll appear soon. Anyway the most hilarious thing that has ever happened is Angie saying “Oh it’s so surreal to be here in Byron Bay”. Like, Matt Agnew and his two dolly birds get to go to South Africa and Angie is about 20 metres down the road from where she grew up. No shade, Byron is gorgeous, but whyyyy is Bachelorette so low-budget!
JOSIE: Anyway, first up, Angie preps her family on the first bloke she’s picked and her dad shits ALL OVER TIMM. Like if it isn’t the man-bun it’s the the “jokester” reputation and even his tight pants. Angie’s dad clearly doesn’t appreciate the finer things in life, like Timm’s ass in tight pants. Timm’s like “who knew I’d be here at the end” and I literally screamed at the telly “US. WE DID.” Bless him for not realising he’s a top pick. Frankly I’m shocked Angie didn’t call off the entire show as soon as he rocked up with that ridiculously big bunch of sunflowers.
MEL: Guess what baby! I’m watching on my phone in the cab!
JOSIE: YES! Well you’re up to date now thanks to my excellent two paragraphs of recapping! Can we talk about what we’ve said this entire time – Timm is fucking cringe to watch. I adore him but he’s so fidgety and awkward, it’s like he’s constantly dropped half a pinger on national TV. It’s fine during the season but in the finale when he’s attempting to sweet talk the parents I want to scream. You just know Beige Pleather Couch Carlin will come in with his rehearsed NIDA monologue about how much he loves Angie and they’ll all swoon straight into Wategos Beach.
MEL: He’s so awkward! I love him but he cannot get a sentence out without wiggling around like a worm on a hook. Which is why we love him, but maybe why Angie’s family… don’t.
JOSIE: I need you to be here witnessing how many fake vomit sounds I just made when Carlin strolled onto the screen. Luckily as recappers we’re allowed to be totally biased. I don’t want him to win! He’s such an actor! Plus he bores me! Their dates are dull and he’s just pleasant looking and polite which is nice but he’s not fun and sexy like Timm. But it’s Angie’s show not mine so I will just grimace my way through this and trust her judgement even if it kills me. Silver lining if Timm doesn’t win – Mel gets to marry him instead!
MEL: Everybody wins!
JOSIE: ANGIE’S MUM JUST CALLED HIM TIMM. SHE IS MY HERO.
MEL: Honestly when I saw Carlin caressing Angie’s face though I was like omgggg he loves herrrrr – idk maybe I AM biased but I feel like they have a genuine connection and Timm is the fun guy??
JOSIE: Every word and every caress to me is just a Home and Away plotline now because I can’t un-hear his brother saying he’s pursuing his acting career. You know me though, I hold grudges! I think I’m just putting myself in Angie’s shoes which would be me throwing Carlin into the ocean and running off with Timm because he’s my type, lol. Also let’s never forget it should be Ciarran here in the final two – ANOTHER thing I’m not over!
MEL: ABSOLUTELY. This entire finale is a shitshow because our boy Ciarran isn’t present!!
JOSIE: I wish we could boycott it and turn it off! But we can’t! The show must go on!
MEL: We must recap! So I feel like Carlin isn’t doing great with upping his comedy chat skills with Angie’s family – I guess it’ll come down to if she wants someone funny but chaotic or serious but stable. Like he said journey. HE SAID JOURNEY.
JOSIE: I feel like the parents will definitely swing the Carlin way, like you’d definitely want your daughter with someone stable and well-presented and non-fidgety. Whereas the brothers seem to like Timm because he’s got a sense of humour and is a bit quirky and speaks from the heart. Oh wait the brother just said he likes Carlin, ignore everything I said! But I had to laugh when Dad Mark called them two grouse blokes. That was cute.
MEL: GROUSE BLOKES I LOVE DADDY MARK! Yeah it seems the entire family wants to marry Carlin at this point. But that means shit! Now I’m almost sure Timm will win because the odds are against him. NO TIM, BE MY BOYFRIEND NOT ANGIES.
JOSIE: I’m actually conflicted because I would like Timm to win but also for him to marry you? New plan: he wins but they last the contracted 3 months and then you get to date him.
MEL: I’ll totally take that compromise.
JOSIE: Are we allowed the sleep now while they go on their boring final dates in which the boys pour their hearts out and Angie says nice yet non-committal things to them and tells the camera how conflicted she is? The certified worst bit of the entire Bachelorette / Bachelor season. Real question how many linen shirts can one man own?
MEL: I feel like Carlin is going to reveal that he’s secretly the CEO of a linen empire, and this whole thing has been a ruse to spread the success of his brand, vibes of Cat on Bachelor.
JOSIE: “Hey guys! 20% off pleasantly-coloured linen shirts with the code BACHIEFRENZY!”
MEL: And then the linen came off! Look I’m with Angie here, I’m not a body girl but Carlin’s rig is FRESH.
JOSIE: She left her sarong on, I think she was genuinely threatened by his levels of ripped. Meanwhile he just did what I said, poured his heart out and she actually didn’t say anything at all, just went in for the pash. I always knew she’d struggle in this bit where she’s not allowed to say anything revealing. She’s too honest.
MEL: Can I also tell you that for some reason I’m sitting here topless, in undies, with Bachie playing on my phone because my TV in a fit of Mercury Retrograde madness just blew up, I was half undressed trying to find my PJs, and then panicked and now 10Play won’t work on my computer!
JOSIE: OMG I’m here watching it bottomless! Together we’re almost fully dressed!
MEL: Ok so WOW Carlin just said the L-word almost. This bit always upsets me – what if he isn’t the one? What if Angie dumps him in a humiliating fashion after he pours his heart out.
JOSIE: I know, this bit actually really sucks and is embarrassing. But it’s fine because he has his linen shirt empire to fall back on.
MEL: Can we discuss that 400 minute long hug? Who hugs motionless for that long? The last time I saw people hug for that long was back in my born again Christian days when couples couldn’t touch bodies without clothing on.
JOSIE: I knowww that hug was weird but then again I’m openly against Carlin and find all their dates to be like motionless hugs, really. Can your first date please be with Timm in a hot air balloon? This looks lush.
MEL: Sure, and you can hide weirdly in the corner so you feel a part of it! Bring the baby! You definitely get the impression these two have more fun together. Honestly hats off to Angie for keeping us guessing – I cannot for the life of me tell which of these guys she likes more.
JOSIE: I’ll be the man operating the balloon. I’ll get the proper training and everything, so I don’t kill us all. Anyway that date was so cute and I was laughing the whole time. Definitely many many vibes between them. Also no mention of his rig Angie? RUDE.
MEL: She has gone on and on about how much she loves to laugh, and Timm makes her laugh so… I don’t know, now I think Timm’s winning! Firstly, rude – didn’t we clarify the universe intends him for me? Secondly, damn you producers for making both men convincing as fuck!
JOSIE: I don’t know, I feel like Angie looks unsure now? Am I now reading into this too much?? Like she was grinning when Carlin poured his heart out and now she’s kinda grimacing? Is it because she knows she’s going to stomp on this angel’s heart in the MIDDLE of the RAINFOREST?
MEL: Yeah I get that, but she also might be like “why has the makeup artist put rainbow eyeshadow on me for a post-pool look when I’m wearing a dressing gown”.
JOSIE: Even my boyfriend who is casually watching in the background was like “WOW did they re-do her makeup for this scene or what?!”
MEL: Ok so every time Timm makes this big declarations I just wonder if he and Angie vibe. They definitely are a mood when they laugh together but when they get serious she always seems a bit flat? Maybe she’s just struggling through the shitty final steps in general, but did you feel like she was not ~ present ~ at the end there?
JOSIE: Totally, her reactions weren’t as positive as they were for Carlin’s declarations of love. But I think she cares about Timm so is upset she’s gonna have to hurt him because he does wear his heart on his sleeve so much. When she said goodbye to him it was a sad goodbye like “Hmmm I’m gonna break your heart tomorrow, I’m off to vomit from nerves now.”
MEL: Agree! But as we know (ahem, Abbie) we can be wrong.
JOSIE: I enjoy the fitness montage on final morning. Lots of staring into the distance must be had by all 3 people, preferably while half-nude. Also it definitely sounded like she’s made her mind up just now? Meanwhile, if I wasn’t 7 months pregnant I would have suggested we play a drinking game where we did a shot every time Carlin says “I’m falling for Angie”. WE GET IT MATE.
MEL: YOU ARE FALLING FOR HER, WE UNDERSTAND.
JOSIE: WHY IS SHE BUSHWALKING IN HEELS I AM DYING. She is literally standing in a swamp.
MEL: Literally in a swamp. Mosquitos biting her ankles, some sort of mud snake consuming her left big toe.
JOSIE: The guys show up and Angie is being dragged off by a large catfish, which I know we don’t have here in Australia but if we did they’d definitely be in that swamp. So Timm’s appeared first but remember last time they TRICKED US with Chelsie appearing first! Now Carlin has appeared! They’re stringing us the fuck along. Oh wait, the first bloke to actually chat to her is the reject… and that person is Timm. UGH I’m turning it off Mel I hate it! Wow I am actually bawling. Is this pregnancy or is it genuinely upsetting.
MEL: I am falling to pieces internally, Timm’s speech is breaking my heart! But also, they’re friends. Immediately you could feel it. You know who isn’t friends? Me and Timm hehehehehe.
JOSIE: MEL AND TIMM! MEL AND TIMM! MEL AND TIMM! Come on, we know people at Channel Ten, let’s make this shit happen!
MEL: I just love how he has taken it so graciously, and she broke it to him so gently. I love both of them, I hope they stay besties.
JOSIE: She was genuinely gutted. That was like… Georgia Love levels of devastation. Also mood is Timm sitting on a conveniently placed log dissecting his televised heartbreak.
MEL: Mate I’m gutted! You’re gutted! Julien’s gutted and he was forced to watch it! Agree, Timm’s philosophical log crisis is a vibe.
JOSIE: I think Julien had tears in his eyes! My best mate Al has been fury texting me all night! Everyone is gutted!
MEL: I’d just like to say as this long-ass ad for applicants on the Bachelor franchise rolls on for 84 years – Fun fact I applied for Bachelor, Channel Ten, and you did not select me. Everyone now email Ten to demand I go on The Bachelor, because let’s not fuck around it’ll likely be Timm.
JOSIE: Ughhhh Mel I actually want to fall asleep instead of watching Carlin win! I hope he slips on a rock straight into the giant catfish’s mouth never to be seen again.
MEL: Okay am I insane… I’m kind of excited for this!
JOSIE: I thoroughly enjoyed her talking to herself just then but that’s where my interest ends. Now I can’t stop.
MEL: It has to be one. Ok so my thing is, I like how happy she seems! And Carlin is a sweetheart. He will LOVE sitting on the couch hugging the dogs and like, braiding Angie’s hair maybe. JOSIE IT’S SO CUTE NOW I’M CRYING AGAIN.
JOSIE: I am happy if Angie is happy but also I’m still doing theatrical fake gags over here. I think I’ve done about 70 in this episode. I’m sorry I just don’t like him! No tears from me I’m like a stone statue watching this!
MEL: Why am I now crying like the pregnant person, you’re meant to always cry!
JOSIE: Julien is doing fake gags now hahahahaha!
MEL: He’s being funny! GET ON BOARD THE CARLIN TRAIN BABY!
JOSIE: Okay that one joke was funny, I’ll give him that. Ciarran for Bachie! Timm for Mel! THE END.
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