THERE’S ONLY THREE EPISODES LEFT PEOPLE. The Bachelorette Australia is very suddenly coming to an end, purely because TV is sexist and the female season is always shorter than the male one. Lame. But it also makes for some very enjoyable TV in the form of hometown dates, yay.
The trailer for this Bachelorette episode promised some tears and confrontations and scary loved ones, and oh boy did it deliver in spades. As always, it’s me (Josie) and Mel recapping all every single tear for you, so strap in babey and get ready to bask in other people’s sadness!
JOSIE: Before we get into plot specifics, I was so excited for this episode Mel, and it was 100% because in the trailer a) Angie confronted Ryan about being a big fucken liar (more on that HERE) and b) Carlin cried at his hometown date. What is wrong with us that the misery of others is pure joy to us? I think for me I’m just still bitter about Ciarran leaving the Bachelorette and also have never bought Angie with Carlin or Ryan.
MEL: Also we are really, really bored with all the happiness and wanted some broken HEARTS up in here! Especially after they teased us with the Ryan reveal yesterday. So first up, Angie’s in…. Terrigal?
JOSIE: And then I lost my god damn mind because my boyfriend is also from Terrigal and I literally messaged him “omg do u know timm hes from terrigal” to which he was like ??? because he doesn’t watch the Bachelorette and has no idea who or what I’m talking about. Then Timm helpfully explained that he’s from Melbourne but his parents just live in Terrigal, so then my next message said “disregard”.
MEL: And then your bf’s like:
JOSIE: And it’s also hard to prove that to Angie until they’re actually dating, so he was kind of in a hard place with that one. They left on okay terms, but it wasn’t an amazing Bachelorette hometown really. Next up was Ryan, which was exciting because we were keen for him to get a real talking to about applying for Ali‘s Bachelorette season even though he said this was his first time.
MEL: Ryan, because his entire personality is dogs and lying, brought – I’m sorry, but I also know you agree – the most beige dog on their date. Like dude you need to bring your A-Game! You lied! Bring the best doggo you HAVE, man!
MEL: I just need everyone reading this to know that Josie spent a strong 3-5 minutes analysing the four brothers and trying to work out why two still had their hair and two were bald. It was a beautiful thing to watch. Yeah I just feel like she’s shut Ryan down now. I don’t think she was ever SUPER into him, and the lying just killed any part of her that was mildly keen.
JOSIE: And the sad poodle didn’t help, either. Next up it was an excursion to the HQ of renowned pie manufacturers, Garlo’s Pies. Jackson must be loaded because aside from Mrs Mac’s, Garlo’s are the market leaders in pie making.
MEL: I feel like our jaws were on the fucking FLOOR when it was revealed that Jackson’s family casually owned the biggest (maybe) pie company in Australia. We were like GET THAT PAPER, ANGIE! It was extremely cute how Jackson made her a vegan/gluten free pie to make up for his murderous one from the first episode, but overall their hometown fell flat. Mainly because Jackson’s dad thinks Bachelorette Angie’s a freeloader!
MEL: Also, while I agree that Angie hasn’t exactly been toiling away doing 16 hour days to make a career for herself, it’s also not like she hasn’t leveraged her talents to get to a pretty sweet position in life. Anyway, it was clear that if she ended up with Jackson, his parents would be a bit of a punish given her reality TV past. Then she went over to Carlin’s place – hot damn, had we been waiting for this or what.
JOSIE: So excited for some tears, because we’re psychopaths! It all started well, Carlin’s brother, sister-in-law and niece were all SO bloody cute. But then Carlin’s bro put his foot in it majorly while talking to Angie outside by basically repeating everything Unhinged Jamie had said about Carlin pursuing an acting career outside The Bachelorette, but in a very calm and not unhinged way.
And it really threw Angie, because you hear the word acting and you start thinking “has all this been an act”, “is he just in this to score a recurring role on Home and Away” etc. So she confronted him outside and it was deeply, deeply uncomfortable.
Anyway they both cried which was a terrible ending to a date. Literally the last thing you want to happen at the end of the date is for you to both weep, unless you’re at a sad movie. Needless to say Carlin was ready to be booted out at the rose ceremony.
JOSIE: Everyone looked uncomfortable with how their dates had gone, while you could tell Timm was just questioning his choice of facial hair. She picked Ryan first, which wasn’t a surprise considering his date had maaaybe gone the best? By a nose?
MEL: Bizarrely, yes. Who knew Voldemort would end up having the best hometown! Then Timm, of course, which left Jackson and Carlin. It did not surprise either of us that Carlin made it through, leaving Mr Garlos Pies heading home to his pie fortune. Just going to ease his broken heart by rolling around in pie meat and cash, I imagine.