Kudos to the casting director for Bachelorette Australia this time around — not only is Angie Kent a delight, but these guys are a bunch of real characters. Maybe they are all paid actors like the hot rumour that was flying around recently.
Anyway, actors or not, a god chunk of these guys are highly entertaining, and tonight’s ep was no different. We had the increasingly unhinged Jamie deciding to drag Carlin and others through the mud and Timm saying “oh my gourd what a bomb” about 7 million times, and it was dramatic!
I’m (me, Josie) here recapping solo and LIVE (usually we get a cheeky advance screener but that didn’t happen because Ten had ~technical difficulties~) so bear with me if this is a) batshit and b) a little delayed. Here we fucken go!
Carlin walks in holding a bunch of baby stuff, which is eerily similar to a stunt the producers pulled in the very recent Bachelor season which ended up being two preggo ex-contestants rocking up.
But this is just all the guys going to Angie’s Bachelorette pad, and then they all start talking about whether they want kids or not. Angie pulls out the whole “in the next 5 years” card (Matt Agnew would have frothed), but Haydn says he doesn’t want kids at all, which makes Jackson pull this face.
I’m not sure why both of the Bachie seasons this year have been so BABIES BABIES BABIES. Like yes it’s a very normal thing that many couples do but I’m out here as a preggo right now and I’ve been with my partner for 10 bloody years. What is the rush, all these Bachelorette contestants are like 15, lets please calm down with the procreation chat for a sec.
Anyway, the guys have to do quite a hilarious challenge in which they get fake babies changed and fake kiddies ready for school. Immediately everyone’s panicking, Timm says there’s shit everywhere and he’s not wrong. Like, did they scoop up some dog poo because this is convincing.
Meanwhile, in news that will shock no one, resident non-blinking Ted Bundy clone Jamie manages to dismember his small child and alarmingly attempts to take it to school with no head. Very on-brand for him, no?
Jackson, as the youngest Bachelorette contestant, is determined to win and he somehow does without decapitating any children. Guess we should be calling him Daddy Jackson now, even though he is apparently 25 but looks like he’s just graduated Year 8. Angie and Daddy Jackson have a nice giggly date in which he declares that even though his balls have only just dropped, he is DTI (Down To Inseminate). Angie loves this and the two have a big old kiss.
Single date time and Carlin scores his second single date, leaving the red-flag waving Jamie looking as if he’s just been told every single member of his extended family has been killed in a mysterious bus accident. He decides he doesn’t trust Carlin and says that “cracks are showing” in Carlin’s personality, pointing out that he’s here for “ingenuine” (not a word) reasons.
Angie says she’s picked Carlin for the date since it’s been so long since their first single date on the Bachelorette, and she’s wondering if after being around the big personalities of Timm and Ciarran, if she’s still horned up over the rather beige Carlin.
In a moment that would never fly in The Bachelor, she forces him to disrobe and then slathers sunscreen all over his rippling body. I’m not mad at all about this plot twist.
Back at the Bachelorette mansion, Jamie is telling anyone who will listen (a reluctant Timm) which of the contestants are genuine and “ingenuine” (not a word). He tells Timm that he’s going to out all the “ingenuine” (not a word) guys to Angie at the cocktail party, and Timm is nervous about dropping a bomb like that.
Jamie insists that Angie simply MUST KNOW, and it’s all got shades of “Abbie’s not here for the right reason blah blah etc blah” from The Bachelor. Let it go, mate.
Meanwhile back on Angie and Carlin’s date, it’s all very nice and lovely and photogenic but like my usual Bachelorette recapping pal Mel and I have said a million times, they don’t ever seem to have any LOLs or fun. I get that Ciarran and Timm are like fun to the max times ten, but Carlin could at least crack one (1) joke on this date. I just think, as someone who has never met Angie, that she would be bored with Carlin (as hot as he is).
At the cocktail party and Timm is telling anyone who will listen that “a storm is coming” and “a bomb is dropping” but unfortunately doesn’t tell Jamie that “ingenuine isn’t a word”. In a segue from the drama, Ciarran is very quiet and says he needs to talk to Angie about his headspace. But before anyone can talk to Angie, she beelines for Haydn to ask him why he doesn’t want to procreate. Again, BABIES BABIES BABIES everyone calm down.
After a very mature chat, Angie and Haydn decide it’s best f he leaves so byeeeee, Childless Haydn! Jamie immediately makes a beeline to get in Angie’s ear about all the boys he hates. First on his shit list is Matt who is daring to follow his BMX career. Ciarran has allegedly said things that are, you guessed it, “ingenuine” (not a word). Carlin is completely “ungenuine” (a new but equally non-existent word), going around saying he wants to be the next Bachie.
Somehow Jamie’s words, although 90% made up, actually hit home, and Angie becomes super upset and has to go into Osher’s home in the wall to have a little private cry about what’s gone down.
The guys confront Jamie about what he’s said, and even cardboard Carlin suddenly grows a personality and stands up to scream at him, saying he’s never said he wants to be the next Bachelor. He storms off and then Angie finds him, and he promises he’s never ever said that (although side note if he doesn’t win, Ten he’d be a pretty boring Bachie so make it Timm please).
Then it’s bloody chaos. Angie asks sweet Timm, who couldn’t lie to save his life, if it’s true and he says a) Jamie is a nutbag and b) Carlin never said that. Ciarran is then upset because he had to talk to Angie. Angie is crying and apologising. Timm, who seems to have sunk 50 beers, realises eight hours later that Haydn’s disappeared.
Timm thinks that Angie took Carlin’s rose back. Ryan tells Timm to stop stirring shit. Ciarran blows up at Timm. Then it’s all over? What a strange fucken episode? What did I just watch? Is Ciarran leaving tomorrow? I can’t believe I have to wait to find out.