We’re only on episode 2 recap for Bachelor Australia 2019, and already the drama has ramped up to a wild level.
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Tonight saw Angie‘s 24 hour date with cutie Carlin, who has to be the sweetest guy in Australia. Then, a group date photo shoot goes awry when Jess makes lewd comments and Warren completely loses the plot.
As always, Josie and I are here to recap it all for you!
MEL: So we open with Angie driving a car around and looking really pensive. I would say I never drive around on my own thinking about shit but I absolutely do, especially if I’m really into a few bangers on my Spotify. So, big mood Angie. She’s on her way to see the guys, who are all looking far less handsome out of their tuxes this morning.
JOSIE: I constantly look pensive when I am driving, because I’m a 34 year old learner driver attempting to navigate the mean streets of Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs and it’s fucken STRESSFUL. Anyway yes, Angie heads to the mansion where the tux-less guys are all gathered in the lounge room discussing the night before, but unlike in The Bachelor where it seems more natural for gals to sit around gasbagging, the blokes have clearly all been herded in there by producers and some of them look so awks standing around sharing their thoughts and feelings. I love it.
MEL: It was SO good, just 20 guys shifting their weight around on their feet, feeling uncomfortable as fuck. Anyway, Angie walks in and every single man lines up for a hug, which would have taken a hundred years but thankfully we got the cut down version. She’s there to collect Carlin for their 24 hour date. Jamie looks like someone murdered his family.
JOSIE: Another huge difference in the two shows is how the intense obsessive character in The Bachelor is just like “lol she’s a stage 5 clinger” but in The Bachelorette it’s like “holy fuck is that Ted Bundy”. Like, there’s something scary about him. He hasn’t blinked once since he appeared on the red carpet, I’m pretty sure. He literally says that Carlin getting into the car with Angie is the “worst moment of my life”. Doll you’ve clearly had a pretty blessed life then if this is the biggest tragedy you’ve faced?
MEL: ACTUALLY – on Bachelor it’s like aww honey pull back a little, on Bachelorette it’s like HAS SOMEONE HIDDEN THE KNIVES. This, I swear to God, is because women have long had to avoid being called “crazy” and “hysterical” whereas men have no experience with this, and instead just go balls to the wall psycho with no filter. Sorry, but Jamie makes Emma from Bachie look like an ice queen.
JOSIE: I mean she was edited badly 90% of the time as we discussed during that season, but Jamie is really letting his crazy show. Like this is not editing, he’s willingly saying shit like “Angie just smiled at someone else and my heart is broken”. DUDE. Anyway, onto nice normal people now, and sweet Carlin and Angie on their much hyped 24 hour date. Carlin is so cute and nice, I’m completely won over by him but as you pointed out when I was gushing, he is ever so slightly boring? I see it now, he’s very nice but maybe a little devoid of zest, unlike my other fave Timm who veers too far into zest territory. Where’s the happy medium here!
MEL: I feel like Angie’s going to go for a dude who makes her laugh, and while Carlin is SO sweet and SUCH a good dude, I’m not seeing laughs a minute here. So I’m skeptical about their future but 100/10 here for staring into his magnetic eyes every episode, tbh.
JOSIE: Take him on a 24 hour date in every episode, Angie. We will not judge you! Anyway, when he said he had a secret to reveal I was definitely hoping he had a Secret Child because Daddy Carlin is really something I could get on board with. But sadly it was a lot less sexy than that: a Secret Wife.
MEL: Ugh, Secret Wife is far less zesty. I wanted Secret Child! Or bisexuality bc lord knows we need more representation in reality TV that doesn’t involve queer-baiting. Still, I am suss on Carlin about his secret wife because he looked preeeetty cut up about their split still. Which is totally understandable but also not great news for Angie. I psychically predict red flags here.
JOSIE: Angie’s mind was working overtime when he was telling her. Probably because she’s said 400 times “I can’t find anything wrong with him! He’s perfect!” and then he drops a bomb like that. Even later on when it was suddenly nighttime and they were still talking about it, she insisted that she was happy he told her but you could tell she was still a little thrown, as you would be. I mean, thank god the wife is in a whole other country is all I can say.Despite the bombshell, she still gives him a rose and they have quite the pash.
MEL: QUITE the pash. They really got up in there with their tongues, huh. Then it’s bedtime, and in the morning Angie looks insanely pulled together for someone who just popped out of a tent. They have a cute morning moment before BAM! Absolutely cockblocked by 6 dudes, all turning up for a group date.
JOSIE: Carlin looked like he politely wanted to drown them one by one in the nearby creek. It was time for everyone’s fave group date, the photo shoot, but instead of it being highly-sexed like on the Bachelor, Angie wanted to make it a bit fun instead by having all the blokes dress up in frankly hilarious costumes. I literally barked out a laugh when Timm first flashed up on screen dressed as the most reluctant lobster you’ve ever seen. Props to him for really owning it, lobster balls and all.
MEL: OBSESSED with Timm as the lobster. He just went for it, and seemed totally unruffled to be the background dude while BMX guy got to hang with Angie. In honestly I think she vibed Timm as the lobster far more than BMX Merman anyway.
JOSIE: Yeah he totally got upstaged, the poor bloke. Meanwhile Warwick was assigned the chicken outfit and did not embrace it with such enthusiasm. Literally one guy told him he looked like he had a ballsack on his chin and he chucked the BIGGEST tantrum? And starts talking in the third person like “Wazza is no chicken!” Mate, there’s a bloke sitting on the ground dressed as an actual pig who hasn’t uttered a single complaint. Grow the fuck up.
MEL: The pig killed me, there was one point where he was just staring into the abyss with his little piggy face.
MEL: There were absolutely people dressed more stupidly than Warwick, and the fact he had a big baby cry about his ballsack chin really proved he’s not for Angie. She literally DGAF about him leaving and just got into the shoot… which went pretty badly.
JOSIE: So Jess the Demon Mayor of Noosa somehow became even creepier in this episode, which wasn’t helped by the photographer ordering Angie to mount him (as the horse) but he didn’t need to make every disgusting comment he could find in that cooked brain of his. It was honestly like watching a creepy uncle from the 70s interact with someone. What was with him gnashing his teeth and licking his lips when Angie was sitting near him? It was fucked – Angie didn’t notice that part but some of the other guys who did were so grossed out.
MEL: I was actually shocked at the teeth gnashing and tongue flicking towards Angie’s ass. How revolting. I’m glad most of the guys were being vocal about how rank he was, it gives me hope for the future. The last shoot was Angie as a penguin and Jackson as like, maybe an ice block or another penguin, unsure. It was so cute!
JOSIE: So cute! But of course Jess needed to make it disgusting by saying Jackson should have tried to kiss her. He continued that convo into the cocktail party, like he was legitimately baffled that Jackson just didn’t “have a crack” with Angie centimetres from his face because he would have. I actually loved how the guys he was talking to shot him down and basically gave him a Consent 101 tutorial about how that would not have been appropriate behaviour at all. Thank you, boys. Before we go too far into Jess at the cocktail party, a brief moment of silence for Wazza, who was still screaming about being a chicken and stormed out of the show, never to be seen again.
MEL: Lol, what a chaotic energy from him. Literally binned the entire show over being asked to dress as a chicken. As Angie said, clearly not her guy. He was even saying in the limo that if he had been the farmer he would have stayed! What the hell is that attitude!
JOSIE:The guy may as well have been draped in red flags. See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya! Meanwhile Jess’ grossness hits overdrive and he starts making sexual comments to the poor innocent wait staff serving drinks, so Feminist Icon Carlin decides to take action and tell Angie what’s going on. It was like the wholesome version of the Dog Cunt saga.
MEL: Oh my god, Carlin The Feminist made my ovaries burst and my nipples harden. His whole rant to camera about respecting women? Him storming over to Angie to let her know what Jess had been doing? Such a vibe. She was naturally livid and headed straight to Jess to lay into him.
JOSIE: When Carlin was like “I am doing this for ALL WOMEN”, in my already-weakened state (I have a cold but am a famously bad patient), I became even weaker. In my already-pregnant state, I became even more pregnant. Adding to that was Timm and the BMX guy shouting at Jess for calling Angie a bitch! So many wonderful men doing the right thing! But nothing could top Angie’s speech. Scorching. Hang it in the fucken Louvre. Study it for decades in school. “I will never allow a man to come in and f**k with my sisterhood.” YESSS, GIRL!
MEL: SO. DAMN. GOOD. Of course, Jess did the whole “it was just a joke, haha, lighten up” bullshit but Angie wasn’t having it and told him to GTFO immediately. Of course, he bitches about it the entire way to the limo. Bye bitch, no one’s gonna miss ya.
Love Mel and Josie? Sure you do (this is Mel writing so you’d better say yes). We do a podcast, All Aussie Mystery Hour. It’s fun and spicy and scary, you should have a listen.
