Welcome back to another night of The Bachelor Australia! It all kicked off with new Bachie Jimmy Nicholson yesterday and was, admittedly, a bit of a boring episode.

But tonight the show slightly redeems itself with a) a forbidden smooch and b) a ridiculous fight at the cocktail party! Don’t pretend that you’re not here for the drama, this is what us fans of The Bachelor Australia want and need. So join me (Josie, PEDESTRIAN.TV’s Head of Editorial) for a full recap of what went down. And if you missed last night’s recap, check it out below.

Tonight, we begin with sweet Osher appearing from where he lives within the mansion’s bushes to announce that it’s single date time!

The Bachelor Australia
seriously would it kill you to lend me a blanket

The girls have to dislocate their jaws again to express their excitement. Honestly, is Brooke excited or in severe need of medical attention here? I’m genuinely not sure.

*CRACKS*

Laura, who swooped on the special envelope, announces that it is indeed Brooke going on the single date, and everyone screams with fabricated joy for her. Massive props to Farting Sierah, who unlike with her withheld flatulence from the night before, doesn’t even try to restrain her feelings here.

The Bachelor Australia
stoked

Of course Brooke and Jimmy’s date involves a PLANE, because in case you missed the 16,000 references in the premiere of The Bachelor Australia, Jimmy is a pilot! And he has no other personality traits apart from PLANES. The weather looks really ominous and at this point I’d be like “Jimmy hun, should we just go for a pub lunch instead?”. But Brooke is braver than I, and she does not suggest heading out for a schnitty at the local.

let’s enjoy our final moments of life

They take off to the skies, no doubt heading for certain death, and we go back to the mansion where everyone is openly hoping that Brooke’s date has been affected by the weather. They’re all feeling threatened by the fact that Brooke gets several hours with Jimmy when they’ve had to steal five-second chats here and there.

The Bachelor Australia
tee hee hee I hope the plane comes DOWN

Back to the date and there’s fucking lightning in the sky and Jimmy starts saying a lot of calm yet urgent plane lingo into the radio. I cannot believe we’re about to see the Bachelor die a fiery death, or perhaps vanish forever in the Hunter Valley like the infamous Cessna VH-MDX. (Read about that HERE if you like mysteries and are bored of the recap, it’s fucking wild.)

when do I tell them I’m actually a plumber

Anyway, back at The Bachelor Australia mansion and a new set of gals are bitching about the single date. Sierah is so desperate to pash on with Jimmy that she starts groping herself, which is definitely quite a mood for Day 2 of this show. Luckily for these increasingly bitter ladies, a group date card arrives!

As is tradition, we cop the classic cheesy photo shoot date. Stephanie, Laura, Rebekah, Tamlyn, Jacinta, Belinda, Sierah, Lily and Tatum all get named for the date, and with Sierah so despo for a smooch I wonder if she’ll try to sneak a cheeky one during the shoot?

Meanwhile, having safely landed and avoiding their next role being on Air Crash Investigation Australia, Jimmy and Brooke enjoy some Newcastle Pours of red wine and start to get to know each other on solid ground.

this is 9.5 standard drinks

It goes well, and perhaps because they have a ~connection~ or perhaps because they they’ve each consumed eight litres of cheap cab sav, they have an enormous snog and Brooke unsurprisingly cements her status as a legit frontrunner on The Bachelor Australia by copping a rose as well as Jimmy’s tongue. Win!

At the photo shoot, the girls learn that one of them will get some alone time with Jimmy at the group date. So you know that they’re all gonna be bringing their absolute A-game to try and impress Mr Bachie, which is sad for Jacinta who gets cast as a janitor.

why don’t you just send me home now you fucks

Laura, cast as a granny, throws caution (and menopause) to the wind and cosies up to Bachie anyway. When life gives you lemons, etc.

The Bachelor Australia
nanna deserves dick too

Tatum scores big by being cast as a bride, but not one to be upstaged, Belinda (as a wedding crasher) announces that she has no undies on and attempts to drag Jimmy’s face down for a pash. I admire her guts, but it doesn’t quite come off.

our teeth are touching so it totally counts

Sierah, not to be outdone, backs her ass right up to Jimmy during their shoot and I’m praying for both of them that her first-night gas issue doesn’t present itself again. Really, the entire shoot with Tahnee is deeply awkward, with her standing off to the side while Sierah drapes herself all over Jimmy. Everyone is silent and it’s just so CRINGE. You can tell Jimmy would kindly like to move on to the next shoot, please and thank you.

mmm smells like nutmeg

Lucky for him, he has a solo shoot with the lovely crane operator Lily. They are tasked with staring into each other’s eyes, and the blessed photographer gives tiny Lily a box to stand on so she isn’t eye level with Jimmy’s neck.

The other girls are all pressed up against every door and window they can find to witness the criminally hot sexual tension going on outside, and some of them seem to be genuinely sick over it.

quick call the ambulance

On cue, a bloke with a hose starts spraying down Jimmy and Lily, and I’m honestly not sure if it’s for the video effect or because they’re too horny for TV.

all right kids that’s enough

The water does not work, and Jimmy and Lily have a massive smooch in front of everyone. We’ve seen on countless seasons of The Bachelor Australia past that the Bachie will get awfully close to pashing on during the photo shoot group date, and as Osher pointed out before the last ad break, this is the first time ever that a girl has successfully locked lips with the Bachie during the shoot.

Everyone is thrilled for her!

I will shit on her pillow

Of course after that, Lily gets the one-on-one time, so they dry off and once again Jimmy pours a very large beverage for his lady and they get to chatting.

He’s concerned that she’s only 23, and alludes to the fact that he was a massive slut / immature shit / potentially both when he was 23. So he wants to know what her dealio is.

Lily explains that she grew up with a single dad and a little sister and had to be more mature and resilient as a result. It’s also made her put walls up, but she’s determined to “let someone in” and have a relationship. Jimmy obviously loves that she’s opening up to him and trusting him, so as a little treat he sticks his tongue in her mouth again and gives her a rose.

thank you for opening your heart and your mouth to me

Back at the Bachelor Australia mansion, the other group date gals return in their costumes and scream about how much fun they’ve all had.

They also break the news that Lily isn’t with them, and dish on the fact that they kissed in the artificial rain. Poor Brooke, who has also had a kiss with Jimmy, is pretty devo. Newsflash doll, you’re on The Bachelor Australia! This isn’t your actual boyfriend!

The Bachelor Australia
rude that someone else would kiss the man I’ve known for 48 hours

At the cocktail party, Lily regales the others with tales of her single date but “won’t kiss and tell”, which as we all know means they had a long and involved makeout session.

Everyone’s feeling uneasy that Brooke’s got a rose, Lily’s got a rose, and Jay has access to the Business Lounge and therefore has uninterrupted time with Jimmy. Sierah is especially shitting it — she whinges to the girls around her that Tahnee was boring during the photo shoot and thats why Sierah needed to drape herself over Jimmy, to make up for it. Ah right, that seems like normal behaviour.

As soon as Jimmy appears, Jay swoops in to take him to the Business Lounge and it just makes Sierah more mad. When Tahnee approaches, she straight up tells Tahnee that she felt like they were competing during the shoot, and calls her out for pulling her hair during the shoot, saying it was in “poor taste”.

The Bachelor Australia
*glass shatters*

Once Sierah is done complaining, Tahnee attempts to explain herself and Sierah cuts her off, leading to the classic “I’ve just let you speak, so can you let me speak?” from Tahnee. Everyone else who just happened to be sitting around them now wishes they were sitting literally anywhere else but here.

The Bachelor Australia
christ take me back to that small dangerous plane please

Tahnee is so upset, Lily needs to escort her away to the Designated Crying Area that in my mind definitely exists in the mansion.

Meanwhile, Plane Expert Stephanie is dying for Jimmy to know that she’s dated a bunch of pilots for some reason, but doesn’t want to actually tell him? So just keeps saying that she knows things about aviation? It’s deeply odd.

Jimmy then has to go through the revolving parade of “Can I steal you for a second?” as every girl wants to talk to him. Brooke is more upset by it than anyone else, because she’s seemingly forgotten that she is on a show with 19 OTHER WOMEN.

but like why are they talking to him

Lily tells everyone who wasn’t present at the Sierah v Tahnee showdown what happened, managing to get everyone on Tahnee’s side. Some high-level Year 10 damage control going on here.

Sierah decides to head to Jimmy directly to do her damage control, and explains to Jimmy why she was all over him at the photo shoot, basically throwing Tahnee under the bus and copping a comforting hug in the process.

read it and weep hun

Tahnee, who is watching on, is now worried that Sierah has torpedoed her chances of getting a rose from Jimmy tonight. To compound this stress, Osher comes in with his Serious Bad News Whisper, doing the Sad Maths to say that two more ladies will be going home.

sorry ladies… also, nanna died

First rose goes to Stephanie, whose deep knowledge of single-propeller light aircraft has clearly paid off. Other early rose scorers include frontrunner Holly and early fave Jay. Tonight’s Sour Voiceover is provided by Sierah and Tahnee, who are both pointing out to the disinterested bloke holding the boom mic all of the reasons why the other one shouldn’t get a rose.

The Bachelor Australia
give her a rose and I will hit you with an ornamental vase

Tahnee cops one, so does this mean Jimmy has picked sides? Or will The Bachelor Australia‘s producers urge him to keep the drama queen around for entertainment? In the end, producers’ urging works and Jimmy gives Sierah his final rose.

by law you need to keep me until at least week 4, bitch

This is great for viewing purposes, because like I said before, drama is everything in these shows. Undie-hating Belinda and Jacinta are both sent packing, which just confirms that the producers did her dirty with that janitor outfit. JUSTICE FOR JANITORS!

That’s it for now — please join me next week as undoubtedly the Sierah v Tahnee drama heats up on The Bachelor Australia.