PREVIOUSLY ON ‘THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF SYDNEY’: Krissy and Matty met Victoria at the Polo. Victoria bendered on after like a 25-year-old pingah fiend and was subsequently hungover, resulting in her skipping out on Krissy’s charity dog walk. Krissy wasn’t all too happy about her absence. Nicole and Athena buried the hatchet over the ‘Captain Eyebrows’ incident. Lisa had her first marriage counselling session and it was HEAVY. Victoria invites one of her recently discovered step siblings to meet her in Singapore and she accepts. Melissa participates in an insanely avant-garde photoshoot (the reason for being there). Then, the highlight of the season thus far occurred – Victoria and Athena had the fight-to-end-all-fights, which ended with several drinks ceremoniously being thrown at one another.
I’m still genuinely woke by the whole thing.
The episode begins with Krissy, Nicole and Athena taking an early morning dip in a nek-level infinity pool to “wash away the sins” of the previous evening’s shit-show. Wash the sins away? Christ himself could baptise the crap out of Athena, but when it comes to someone as cooked as her, not even divine intervention could prevent eternal damnation.
Lisa, now recovered from a nasty bout of food poisoning, goes shopping with Melissa and Matty. She refers to Singapore as “Singahz” and drops $19K on a hand bag in the space of 30-seconds. What a woman. They then make their way to La Pearla where they chuck undies at each other like giggling school girls to reenact the now-iconic napkin throwing incident from the prior evening. Matty and Melissa ask Lisa point blank if she set Lizzie Buttrose loose at Victoria’s product / charity event. Lisa adamant she didn’t ask Buttrose to go all extension-flailing-psycho-bitch at the event – all she did was describe Victoria’s actions to herself and Athena. She then goes on a brief but well-reasoned rant that Victoria’s an all-round cow.
As we all know by now, once Lisa’s on an insult-dishing roll, there’s no stopping her – which is likely why she went so HAM about Krissy when Melissa asked how their relationship was travelling.
Matty and Melissa are quick to tell Lisa to STFU, but she ain’t phased by it.
Next, the women meet for lunch at a spot that has a Charlie’s Angels, Creepy Thin Man-esque fetish for hair. So much so, they even use it in their light fixtures.
u do u, high-brown Singaporean restaurant
It’s the first time they’ve all met since the drank throwing incident, which is evident by Victoria’s cutscene snipes.
Victoria takes the lead, apologising for most (but not all) of the things she said. She does point out, however, that the shit-show she was hoping to avoid by not inviting Athena and Lisa happened anyway because of Lizzie. Krissy, visibly desperate to raise this with Lisa (believing it’s all on her that Lizzie was a cray bitch) begins firing off questions. Lisa repeats the same thing she had to the others while shopping, stressing that she shouldn’t be held responsible for Lizzie’s conduct. Victoria cites an Instagram pic (saying “queens don’t compete with hoes”) that Lisa and Athena posted on the night of the product launch – a picture that Lizzie constantly showed the women like she were a new mother gagging for everyone to look at the fruit of her now-stretched loins.
Lisa’s quick to clap back to this accusation.
Krissy’s fucking off it.
After making a few more comments along the lines of “youse a sluzza”, and due to some prompting from the others to mend their shit, Lisa raises why she actually doesn’t like Krissy. The drama, in her opinion, stretches back to when Lisa’s marital issues were initially raised – issues which she believes were dismissed / laughed at by Krissy. When Krissy asks where Lisa had heard this from, Lisa’s quick to say it was from her BFFL Athena (which, from what footage I could see, is entirely accurate – the bitch didn’t just conjure these ideas outta thin air, y’know?).
Even though we’ve seen all levels of craziness from Athena, her response still somehow shocked me. She flat out denies having ever recounted anything negative Krissy had said to Lisa. Then, all fucking hell breaks loose as Lisa attempts to grapple with Athena’s nonexistent logic.
You can almost then see the strategic wheels turning in Lisa’s mind as she realises Athena’s trying to paint her as a fool. This causes a fast change in her approach, leading to a well-executed but completely false apology to Krissy. The women support this move, saying that Lisa shouldn’t believe everything she hears (which has undertones of, “Don’t believe everything Athena tells you fkn idiot” written all over it).
In a cutscene, however, Lisa apologises for the way in which she delivered the flurry of insults at Krissy at Athena’s gallery showing – but also add she backs up what she said 100%. She then gets up at the table and goes and hugs Krissy, apologising profusely.
BUT ALL IS NOT HOW IT APPEARS, PEOPLE.
Fuck me sideways. I don’t think the world’s seen such savagery since before man had invented the wheel when beasts like sabre-toothed tigers went around swallowing cunts whole. As the women then toast this seemingly massive leap forward for their group (lol), Athena tries to mull things over. This move doesn’t gel with Lisa.
Not a whole lot happens in terms of ~#DRAMA~ for a while. Victoria is severely underdressed when she meets her estranged half-sister in their hotel’s presidential suite. Their meeting is admittedly quite moving.
They then all go out for drinks and Lisa’s still fucking off it at Athena. They’re soon joined by Victoria – who’s committing her second fashion faux pas for the day – and her very, very, very brave sister. May god have mercy on her soul.
there’s tasteful side-boobage, and then there’s THAT
Athena makes, what is arguably, her first decent jab of the season.
She then transcends into her spiritual, BS-preaching alter ego as the topic of Victoria’s deceased father is raised. Hilariously, the women have conceived a phrase for such rambling occasions to signify Athena should put a cork in it. It’s “broccoli”. Their outing was going off without a hitch, but somehow Athena manages to get on the topic of her spat with Lisa earlier.
Victoria’s sister wisely excuses herself to the bathroom while shit begins to heat up.
The women scramble as the argument gets too hot to tolerate. A few minutes go past before Lisa composes herself, finds Athena, and request that they nut this out. Athena’s “beside herself”, which is such a crock of shit. Then, after an aggressive line of questioning, Athena admits she had been passing along the nasty things Krissy had been saying to Lisa.
Seriously, can someone track me down the digits of Athena’s drug dealer? I need me some of whatever truly hectic shit she’s getting 50 Shades of Fuck-Eyed on.
Anyway, now that she has re-confirmed all the smack talk, Lisa declares that she doesn’t take back anything she’s said about Krissy.
Not a whole lot happens for a while. Melissa and Victoria go shopping and end up running around like basic bitches with their heads chopped of in a fish market. Matty, Athena and Krissy go to a spa. Krissy gets a bird shit facial. Victoria then meets with her sister again, and decides she shan’t be dining with the women later. #Drama.
As they all congregate for pre-dinner dranks, the topic gets onto Krissy’s past lovers. Lisa can’t even.
The women are all pretty pissed that Victoria didn’t at least stop by for a quick cocktail, and a few even go as far as to suggest Victoria’s in need of an intervention. Guys, she’s not popping pills – she’s getting too wasted / hung over to be arsed with your crap.
Lisa and Athena’s fight is then put on the table, and once again, shit gets beyond real. Athena, even after her omission the previous night, completely backtracks AGAIN. She’s adamant she’d never passed anything Krissy’s negatively said onto Lisa. Athena’s fucking munted behaviour prompts Lisa to snap.
Then, before you can even blink, they’re patching shit up… WHAT THE FUCK?!
Melissa requests that while folks are reconciling, Lisa and Krissy should sort their shit out. They both agree to keep it civil when they’re with each other, but concede they’re never going to be mates. As the episode’s been dominated by her offensively entertaining commentary, Lisa takes her last bow in the form of this jab:
God she’s good.
You can catch The Real Housewives of Sydney on Foxtel‘s Arena at 8:30pm Sundays.
Photo: The Real Housewives Of Sydney.
