PREVIOUSLY ON ‘THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF SYDNEY’: Victoria planned her Wrinkles Schminkles launch / charity shindig and decided to not invite Athena or Lisa. Athena, who contributed a bespoke Levendi necklace for the event, was reasonably off it. Lisa swore that she’d seek revenge on both of their behalves, which took form in the hot mess Lizzie Buttrose. Lizzie, who looked like she hadn’t sat in a hairdresser’s chair for a millennia, crashed the party – taking the chance to defend her friends whenever the opportunity Buttrose. Melissa invited all the women to accompany her on a trip to Singapore.
Drink throwing is the cornerstone of the Real Housewives’ franchise. Hell, it’s the cornerstone of all reality television. Given this ritualistic act’s importance, I think it’s best you cop the Cliff Notes run down of the first 30 mins of last night’s drama so we can get stuck into what we’re all here for.
Krissy and Matty met Victoria at the Polo. Victoria bendered on after like a 25-year-old pingah fiend and was subsequently hungover, resulting in her skipping out on Krissy’s charity dog walk. Krissy wasn’t all too happy about her absence. Nicole and Athena buried the hatchet over the ‘Captain Eyebrows’ incident. Lisa had her first marriage counselling session and it was HEAVY. Victoria invites one of her recently discovered step siblings to meet her in Singapore and she accepts. Melissa participates in an insanely avant-garde photoshoot (the reason for being there).
ALRIGHT, NOW FOR THE GOOD SHIT.
Lisa’s gone and got herself food poisoning the first night the women are in Singapore. The rest get ol’ frocked up, and in a shocking turn of events, Athena hasn’t dressed like a potato.
They’re all getting along surprisingly well and, of course, start the night off with a round of Skinny Bitches. Athena, wanting to put her shit to bed with Victoria – which is quite the move given how badly ol’ Viccy fucked her around with her product launch – approaches Krissy for advice on how to wrangle her.
In a cutscene, Krissy remarks that she can’t ever see Athena and Victoria getting along as Victoria “doesn’t suffer fools” (which, FYI, is such a fab turn of phrase / needs to be brought back into everyone’s rotation ASAP). Krissy’s parting words: go in with a clean slate. Fuck all the shit from the past and pretend like nothing’s happened.
Now, pop on your ice skates folks – hell has well and truly frozen over. As she’s saying this, you can tell Krissy feels genuinely bad for Athena. She expresses that her tune is changing toward her, citing that she’s trying too hard to win everyone over.
Victoria begins the night by giving the women, and us lucky viewers at home, a lesson in giving fellatio whilst in public.
Melissa, seemingly pissed as a cricket, has no idea how someone who can cop so much in their mouth can still be single.
As the night progresses, Krissy and Athena become more buddy-buddy. I seriously can’t help but sit here thinking, “THE FUCK?!”. C’mon Krissy, WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU.
Now, in a surprisingly shit-stirring move, Matty asks Athena and Krissy what they were chatting about before. The table is instantly uncomfortable. You can see the inner-conflict of Athena trying to heed the advice of Krissy and not kick off vs. ~owning her shit~ and all that mumbo jumbo. Victoria, Kirssy’s main bitch, is the most inquisitive of them all to hear what was said.
Backed into a corner, both Krissy and Athena concede that they should probably address what Athena’s intentions were in the previous conversation – Athena even goes as far to say that she, “Doesn’t want to ruin the night.”
Victoria, in an extremely raised voice verging on screaming, says that they don’t have scream to raise what was being said. Now permission has been granted by Queen Victoria, Athena begins saying – once a-fucking-gain – how she’s misunderstood by the women as a whole, but none more so than by Victoria. Victoria agrees with her calmly that, yes, she’s got no fucking idea what she’s about.
Athena says that, essentially, Victoria always tells her to STFU. To refute that, Victoria says that she won’t tolerate her when she’s putting others down (i.e. like the several times she’s called her fat).
Then Athena delves into unchartered, “WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU GO THERE?!” territory: Victoria’s age.
Ooft. You’ve got balls, Athena.
She then goes on to say that she’s always been very open to having a solid relo with Victoria, but she hasn’t felt like that’s been reciprocated. Well, duh, because you’re a spud-like human.
FINALLY Athena begins to address the elephant in the room: Victoria’s product launch. Athena is quick to say that whenever Levendi makes a donation, they’re always invited to the event (which is 110% fair enough). Victoria, obviously tired of beating around the bush, states that she couldn’t have Athena’s cooked / screaming ways at a product launch that was tied to a charity. We’re then treated to an incredible montage of Athena flipping it, which is a glorious sight in and of itself, that proves Victoria’s point entirely.
Victoria then raises ol’ mate Lizzie Buttrose and how much of shit-starting turd she was at the event – including how her behaviour meant that the Levendi piece didn’t sell at the auction for as much as it should have.
Athena claps back by saying she doesn’t even have the means to contact Buttrose to do that, which Krissy is quick to back up. Krissy reckons it had to solely be Lisa’s doing. Victoria calls bullshit, saying that they both conspired to have Buttrose come in far too hot with those terrible extensions, etc.
For whatever reason, this causes Athena to FUCKING FLIP IT. She’s carrying on like a bat out of hell asking Victoria to, “Swear on her son’s life”.
Athena then raises how much of a drunken turd (her view, not mine) Joh Bailey was when presenting the Levendi piece at the auction – including how he remarked that you could barely see it. Victoria’s BTS response is straight up savagery.
As the women keep going at it, Matty literally can’t even.
God bless her.
Now, the reason behind Krissy’s sudden change of heart toward Athena is clear as she raises Victoria’s lack of attendance at her own charity event. Victoria makes no qualms about the fact she was hung like a horse that morning. Krissy doesn’t seem to mind that, she’s more pissed off that she didn’t donate after. Victoria concedes that she should have.
Athena’s quick to throw her two cents in, saying she should’ve gone regardless of how shitty Victoria felt. Crap then begins to turn up a notch as the blows get lower and lower.
The conversation turns back to the charity. Athena evens goes as far to say how Victoria piggy backed off a charity to launch her product.
As Victoria begins down the path of Athena being a stay at home mum, the jabs cause Melissa to piss herself.
God this is getting good.
Then Athena calls Victoria a gold digger, and like honey, it’s obvious she’s anything but. That women oozes ‘Old Inherited Money’ more than a Kennedy‘s corpse.
Matty can’t help but point out the ridiculousness of this situation / the women at large.
Athena keeps on going with her attack that Victoria’s a money-sucking hoe and it quickly becomes apparent that THAT’S THE FUCKING SOFT SPOT. HOLY SHIT. WHAT HAPPENS NEXT…. I CAN’T EVEN. THE SHADE, HONEY. I LIVEEEEEEE.
FUCK ME SIDEWAYS. YAS. YAS. THE DRAMA. THE DRINKS BEING THROWN. I AM CLOSE TO CLIMAXING. THIS IS WHAT I HOPE THE PEOPLE WHO INVENTED TELEVISION INTENDED THEIR PLATFORM TO BE USED FOR.
Just when you think it’s over, Victoria decides she better even the scales.
My fucking GOD.
Victoria leaves and the women are all WOKE.
Athena has reached new heights of potato-dom, and continues rambling savage but near-incoherent shit.
The episode closes with Matty lecturing Melissa about how she shouldn’t of invited all the women to Singapore.
Folks, I genuinely have no words.
You can catch The Real Housewives of Sydney on Foxtel‘s Arena at 8:30pm Sundays.
Photo: The Real Housewives Of Sydney.
