PREVIOUSLY ON THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF SYDNEY: the women arrived in the Whitsundays. They toasted to each other a lot. Athena doesn’t like cheese and reckons she can have a ten minute orgasm. She then dressed like Popeye. Lisa almost drowned. She also cries some more. Melissa FINALLY loses her faith in Athena’s sanity.
Due to some cray weather, the women’s fuck-off-huge boat headed back for the Whitsundays and docked. A disappointing move, I must say. Imagine if they’d kept them out there… Between all of them wailing as their lives flashed before them, and Athena praying to Poseidon, it would’ve probably copped them a Logie.
Anyway, before the cameras seemingly even had a chance to roll that morning, Lisa’s vanished like a drunk teenager from a hit and run. Now knowing a billowing mass of black clothing / hot emotional mess isn’t going to sporadically appear around the corner like people feared Voldemort would when they uttered his name, a few of the women seize the opportunity to talk about Lisa.
Both Victoria and Krissy separately question whether Lisa was indeed rescued by an obese man on a giant inflatable swan or not. Victoria’s not sold on the legitimacy of Lisa’s relationship issues either. The phrase “attention seeker” is thrown around as well.
Lisa arrives home back to David. She sure as shit ain’t happy with the women.
The cracks in Lisa and David’s relo are obvious. David expresses that he wants to stay together, but there’s a stage where it becomes to hard on the children. David also reckons everything started unravelling due to Lisa’s “love affair with Mr Champagne Cork”. She tells him to fuck off.
Back on the boat, Athena approaches Melissa to discuss the previous night where she believed Victoria over her re: anorexia. Athena keeps pushing the conversation in a direction Melissa doesn’t want it to go. You can see her physically recoiling in her chair like she’s watching a sex scene with her ‘rents. Athena reckons Melissa doesn’t love herself, and that’s the tipping point – Melissa gets up and walks away from the potato.
On dry land, Matty‘s kids are pretty despo for a dog. Her partner, however, doesn’t think it’s a good idea. So what does she do? Um, she finds a million dogs for a trial run. Half of them she sources from a colleague, and the other half from this:
Yes, that is indeed Donatella Versace who’s operating under the pseudonym Christa Billich while on vaycay Down Under. Jokes, but fuck me sideways Christa’s had a fair whack of work done. She’s accompanied by her Bentley‘s driver, Jason, who’s given the honour of pushing her pooches around in a fucking stroller…
We then get a close up of her face, and Christ alive.
In addition to the fucking pram, her dogs have their own Versace porcelain to eat / drink out of + love themselves some caviar.
I can’t.
Over at Tim Olsen‘s gallery, Athena’s setting up for her show.
More like ‘Veils of a cryptic message from a fucking spud’. Not a whole lot happens besides her shit talking about spirituality and its influence on her work to her hubby.
Back at Matty’s, her partner’s come home and he’s pissed about the dogs – he sensibly retreats to his man cave. Matty and her girls then attempt to take the doggos for a walk.
She’s in absolute struggle town.
Then, one of the dogs escapes and Matty is SHOOK. She even goes as far as to de-shoe to get it. Must be a fucking nice neighbourhood to leave Louboutins lying around.
Nicole drives Krissy and Matty to Athena’s art show. Lisa is raised. Krissy points out how Athena is accountable for everything that she does (and rightly so), but Lisa’s a free agent. Nicole’s response is that Athena’s asking for it and I couldn’t agree with her more. The women also don’t reckon Melissa’s going to rock up tonight.
They arrive, and Athena looks like a giant white Christmas tree.
Athena address the crowd about her work and goes full Athena while doing so.
Krissy literally can’t even.
She looks like she’s just witnessed someone stacking it in public and is wondering if anyone else saw it.
They begin viewing Athena’s work and the women aren’t terribly receptive to it. Like, I don’t even think a five-year-old who wouldn’t know any better would be receptive to them.
Krissy goes straight for it, asking where Melissa is. Athena, at this stage, seems terribly unfazed by her lack of attendance. Matty tells the group that Melissa was too upset by the comments Athena made on the boat to come. As the women keep lightly suggesting that Athena should start sorting her shit out and stop offending people, Athena begins to crack.
These comments have left Matty so fucking SHOOK, she’s now officially WOKE.
Nicole tries her hardest not to laugh at Athena’s straight up savagery.
Krissy is now furious, which only eggs Athena on. She starts going for the jugular.
Ooft. Rough stuff right there.
Apparently Athena’s so upset because Melissa, a fellow artist, should be there to support her. Then, Nicole uses her greatest weapon – memory recall. She enquires whether Athena can remember any of Melissa’s kids names and that sends her over the deep end.
After walking away, Krissy goes to try and reason with her – citing how just before in the car they were discussing how Athena is accountable for everything. She also adds, however, that she puts herself out there to be held accountable. As you would’ve gathered, this doesn’t go down well.
Krissy, obviously fed up, does what everyone else does when Athena goes full cooker: walks away.
The way she describes the whole ordeal off camera is truly iconic:
Just when you think shit couldn’t escalate further than what it currently has, Lisa arrives. Athena’s quick to say that the women are bullying her, so Lisa asks what’s going on – adding how the last time she saw them she had a terrible headache. Krissy jumps on her, saying it was a lot more dramatic than a headache. Lisa doesn’t take this well.
Lisa then says that all of them seem to take so much pleasure from schadenfreude art, which confuses the fuck out of Krissy.
She then says she’s joking, but like, is she?
Lisa concludes she’s fine after everything, but Krissy decides to get one more jab in.
Now that Lisa’s rant is over, Athena can give her account of what’s happened. She explains that Melissa hasn’t come and that she doesn’t give a shit. They then sadly toast to Athena’s success and Nicole looks like she’d rather be skinning a cat.
Krissy being, y’know, Krissy, notices writing on one of the work’s penis. Lisa’s having a hard time concentrating as her fury towards her begins to reach boiling point. She then chimes in saying that of course Krissy noticed the writing on the dick and how she’s always banging on about the big cocks she’s sucked / how much she likes anal. Hectic. The women half laugh thinking it’s a joke, but Lisa’s only just begun.
Krissy calmly returns fire saying she’s ~ R E A L ~ to who she is. Lisa ain’t having a bar of it.
Nicole can’t take any of it seriously at all.
Regardless, shit keeps getting real between Krissy and Lisa, resulting in Matty ending up in the cross fire.
Athena and Lisa walk away to regroup. Athena raises all the shit Krissy has been saying about Lisa, including how she reckons there aren’t any relo issues between her and David. Lisa asks whether Nicole – her longstanding friend – had her back or not. Athena reckons she doesn’t and Lisa’s devo.
They go back to the group and Lisa confronts Krissy about her comments. Shit kicks off again. Lisa tells Krissy to fuck off several times and sits down. Krissy reckons it’s because she’s too wasted, which could very well be true.
After going on a complete rant about how Lisa’s behaviour has been disgusting and how they should all be ashamed of themselves, the episode finishes with this:
Incredible stuff.
You can catch The Real Housewives of Sydney of Foxtel‘s Arena every Sunday at 8:30PM.
Photo: The Real Housewives of Sydney.
