PREVIOUSLY ON THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF SYDNEY: Look, not a whole lot happened. Lisa‘s ugly-crying was on par with that of notorious ugly-crier, Kim Kardashian. AthenaX (who I’ll be referring to as Athena moving forward, because ceebs typing the extra letter) continued to be a cooked bitch. Queen Victoria announced that they’d be going on a girl’s trip to the Whitsundays. That’s about it.
Because of all that, last night’s episode was tasked with getting the series back on track after, what was admittedly, a rather lacklustre offering the week prior. Here’s hoping.
Anyway, perhaps the Whitsundays has a gravitational pull of its own, or maybe it’s been cursed by some scorned witch many moons ago – but for whatever reason, the women arrive there and seem incapable of moving at an acceptable, non-glacial pace.
Seriously though, it’s exceptionally obvious that this show’s editor has a massive hard on for heavily employing a slow-motion affect to a hefty amount of the footage. Like, chill.
After what would’ve been hours given the speed they’re all moving at, the women get settled in and then head down to a jetty for bubbles. Thankfully, they’re now able to walk like regular, unencumbered beings. Lisa notes the absence of Athena and Nicole as they’re chatting.
I was deeply concerned that Athena had kidnapped poor Nicole to perform some voodoo shit on her ass. Alas, it was actually Nicole who had requested Athena join her for a drink before heading down. Her intentions are to get Athena toe the line with the rest of the mob by doing basic shit like, y’know, listening rather than talking. Good fucking luck with that, Nicole.
Back on the jetty, the women raise their glasses for the first time on this trip. Apparently toasting one another is all wealthy white women are capable of doing during a vacation, so I guess we’ll just have to emulate Rhi Rhi and drink to that.
Nicole and Athena must be blessed with a wealthy white woman sixth sense, because they too engage in a superficial “cheers, darling”.
Then, as if it were a game of cosmic, cheers’ing tennis, the women on the jetty return serve.
How someone hasn’t accidentally smashed one of those fucking flutes by now is beyond me.
Athena and Nicole then arrive belatedly and the women have a good fucking laugh at Athena’s ensemble for the evening.
It’s the first time Athena and Matty have seen each other since the all-white-lunch, “fuck this shit,” debacle. Disappointingly, Matty doesn’t open a can of Persian whoop-ass on her crook head.
Perhaps in celebration of no blood being spilt that evening, the women raise their glasses… again.
You really can’t write this kind of shit.
They then go to dinner, and Queen Victoria cunningly makes a few remarks about some people attending the holiday regardless of their issues with each other (Matty and Athena), and in spite of what’s going down on the home front (Lisa re: her terrible marriage). Not letting it get under their skin, the women do what they do best: “cheers, darling, cheers.”
The food arrives and Athena swaps her meal with Matty. Athena asked for the vego option, which is a baked camembert dish that, by the sound of it, could give even a geriatric 90-year-old man a rock-hard erection capable of poking someone’s eye out under the right conditions. The reason she swapped it for Matty’s salmon (even though Athena’s vegan, or rather, “80% vegan”), however, was because of this undeniably filthy bombshell:
I am SHOOK. There’s no reason why a human could dislike the holiest-of-holy foods besides being lactose intolerant. Like, it should be an offence punishable by law. This woman needs to be institutionalised five minutes ago.
The whole situation prompts a broader conversation about Athena’s vegan status. Nicole asks why she attempts to be one, and Athena replies saying its for ethical reasons. Nicole, happy Athena’s taken the bait, asks her why she’s wearing an ivory bracelet if she’s a vegan. Taste it, bitch.
After discussing how horrible ivory hunting / acquisition is, Athena asks, “what if the elephant died naturally.” Everyone can’t even.
Athena, now completely cornered, panics. She even goes as far to claim that the Prince of Arabia gifted her a crocodile-skin handbag…? Not sure if srs.
Lisa has been a bit reserved for Lisa-standards all evening. Victoria looks over at her and decides to very publicly, and very savagely, raise their previous conversation about Lisa divorcing David. Everyone is SHOOK. Shit, I’m fucking shook. Lisa reveals that she’s not ready to get divorced, saying they still hadn’t explored options like counselling. Victoria is utterly baffled.
As the conversation continues, Lisa then tells how she and David doesn’t sleep in the same bed. The women are SHOOK’er than ever. Apparently it’s because she snores something crazy. They keep probing and making suggestions, and Lisa can’t – she gets up and walks away. Not like, dramatically, walks away – but like, devo walks away. Nicole runs after her.
Krissy raises how Athena’s husband reckons the only time she properly shuts the fuck up is when she’s lying like a star fish / “dead fish” during sex. Athena reckons she engages in some sexually stimulating act that enables her to have 10 minute long orgasms… Yeah, righto mate.
Lisa and Nicole come back. Victoria, still baffled by the revelation that Lisa ain’t getting a divorce, asks her if she’s alright. She then asks her again. And then again. Oh, Viccy you shit-stirrer. God bless.
The women set out to sea on a fuck off huge boat the following morning. As per, Athena looks fucking ridiculous – she’s channelling, what can only be described as, her inner Popeye. Lord, give me strength.
Then, well, you can have a guess at what happens next…
THEY FUCKING TOAST AGAIN.
Given that there’s only four cabins on the boat and seven women, Victoria divides the women up. She takes her rightful place in the State Cabin with BFFL Krissy, whacks Nicole and Melissa together, allocates Lisa and Matty together (the two snorers), and gives Athena her own so she can’t start any shit.
Lisa and Matty FUCKING TOAST to their coupling.
Nicole and Melissa follow suit.
Most of the girls get their H2O: Just Add Water on and it’s all very fun and gorgeous and funny and fun and gorgeous. Matty can’t snorkel for shit. Nor can Krissy paddle board.
The only real thing worth commenting on is Victoria’s stack while getting back to their boat.
Iconic stuff right there.
While that’s all happening, Melissa and Athena go for a stroll along the beach. Melissa, placing her trust in Athena, raises how self conscience she is because of the media exposure she’s experienced for most of her life. Athena then drops a bomb, saying that Victoria has previously said that Melissa is anorexic. Hectic. Melissa doesn’t take it well, but concedes to raising it later with Victoria.
After an arvo of extremely staged scenes, the women congregate for a lush on-beach lunch. All of them are present besides Lisa, so Melissa asks where she’s at. Krissy is now sold on the idea that Lisa’s an outright attention seeker, saying “what is it this time?”. Nicole explains that Matty and her left Lisa snorkelling but it looked like she was safe with another group out at sea.
While everyone’s thanking Victoria for organising the lunch, turd-like Athena suggests that there’s always an agenda behind Victoria’s kindness.
As it turns out, this was all prompted because of the fucking size of their boat’s cabins. LORD GIVE US STRENGTH. Victoria hadn’t seen the rooms, so she wasn’t aware that some were smaller than others. Surprisingly, Matty sides with Athena on this one. If it were her boat, she would’ve scoped out the room sitch and prevented that kind of thing from happening.
Then, like a bat out of hell, Oldfield appears.
Lisa, seemingly distraught, apparently had quite the brush with death.
She tells them all that she was doing the international emergency sign, which as Matty points out, could easily be misconstrued as a water-based interpretation of the YMCA dance.
Seriously though, given that dance / song’s popularity, there should be an inquest held into that sign’s effectiveness – lives are at stake, people.
The ridiculousness of the situation Lisa allegedly found herself in increases as her tale continues. She explains that a random morbidly obese dude was out there towing a giant inflatable swan on his kayak. Lisa managed to wave / YMCA him down and hitch a ride back to safety on the swan. If it is true, I’m honestly gutted there’s no footage of it.
Krissy almost immediately calls bullshit. Lisa, either set on selling her lies or pissed because of Krissy’s huge lack of sympathy, isn’t a happy chappy.
Later that night the women meet for dinner on the boat. Krissy is SHOOK beyond all comprehension that it’s raining. Athena is wearing some ludicrous head piece and Victoria can’t even.
Victoria, now completely on fire, announces that she’s made up a special cocktail and named it the emergency sign.
The women all then go around mocking Lisa and attacking the legitimacy of her story. Lisa ain’t stoked about it. She looks like she’s about to drop a bitch.
Athena then wants to share yet ANOTHER thing with the group. She starts about spouting off about her art, before having a crack at the ladies for not asking her about it. Nicole, not letting her teacher’s pet rep go down the gutter, interjects – stating fact after fact about Athena’s work. Athena somehow takes offence to this.
Everyone’s got their breaking point and it would seem that beautiful, sweet, angelic Melissa has reached that stage with Athena. Honestly, for her to have held in there for as long as she has is a real testament to her character. I sure as shit couldn’t have.
Athena then invites them all to her exhibition, and I can’t fucking wait to see all of them try to wrap their heads around her “I’ve just shat on a canvas” pieces.
Melissa raises what Athena had told her on the beach about Victoria calling her anorexic. Victoria, not even defensively, refutes the claims. Melissa, very fucking sensibly, decides to take Victoria’s word over Athena’s. PRAISE BE, MELISSA. SEE THE LIGHT. SEE THE MOTHERFUCKING LIGHT.
Out of the blue, Lisa begins tearing up. Once again, she looks as though she’s magically transformed into a devastated Kim Kardashian.
She quietly tells Nicole, the first to see that she’s upset, that it’s her wedding anniversary – adding that she wished she was at home working out shit with David. Before you know it, she’s deteriorated into a blubbering mess.
Krissy is visibly SHOOK by the hot mess in front of her.
Nicole explains why Lisa’s so upset, and there’s a unanimous “awwww” expressed by the women in choir-like harmony. Lisa then gets up and leaves the table.
Victoria, just like at the previous dinner, has no idea what Lisa’s deal is – querying, “why aren’t you home with your husband?”.
Lisa has a bonafide breakdown to Nicole and it’s actually pretty hard to watch. Nicole, very sensibly, doesn’t try and advise her what to do – instead directing her to seek help.
Then, quite flatly, the episode comes to a close.
The preview of next week’s episode, however, is juicy as fuck. Lisa calls Krissy a slut and pushes Matty. Athena goes nek-level Athena and calls someone a pot plant. Like, someone needs to get me a slippery when wet sign to put down wherever I go because I am literally MOIST rn.
You can catch The Real Housewives of Sydney on Foxtel‘s Arena at 8:30pm Sundays.
Photo: The Real Housewives of Sydney.