Power Ranking The ‘MasterChef’ Final Four By How Shitty It Is That None Of Them Are Reece

Oh my god this is really it, isn’t it. There’s one week left of MasterChef: Back to Win for 2020. This time next week we’ll all be staring down the barrel of the Grand Final. Just two chefs will be left. And not only does that mean it’s just about all over red rover, but also we’ll be running through what little remains of this year’s cast like a hot knife through butter this week. There’s four left now. Within three episodes there’ll be only two. What the hell am I supposed to do with my life after it’s over? What do people do on a regular-ass Monday night? Am I supposed to just start watching Q&A again? Is that a thing I’m supposed to be HAPPY about?? Fucken hell.

So with MasterChef ending in just a week, it means this on-going series of Power Rankings is not long for the world either. The good news is that, including this one, there’s three left! I’m doing three! Inside 7 days! Have I gone mad? Yes! Very!

Here’s your very official MasterChef Power Ranking after thirteen weeks of this slog of a competition.

ELIMINATED: Reece Hignell

Oh, Reece.

What’s left to say about this glorious hunk. A treasure, a gift, an icon, a hero. Arguably the exact kind of presence we needed on Australian TV throughout this searingly difficult time. A kind prince, a quiet achiever, a calm and humble friend to all.

Though his desserts were a clear season highlight in a season otherwise packed with highlights, his entire run was summed up pretty perfectly at the start of last night’s elimination challenge in Reece celebrating drawing the word “vegetables” in probably the most wholesome way possible.

Farewell to the King. It’s been a hell of a ride.

4) Laura Sharrad

There’s a lot that can be said about Laura’s cook in last night’s elimination challenge. There’s the fact that Reece copped heat for his “cliche” dish and yet Laura serves up fucking LAMB AND PEAS and is praised to high heaven for it. There’s also the fact that Jock just seems to be saying negative things about Laura’s cooking purely for the sake of it now; like he’s oversteering into the favouritism howls and now he’s looking at everything Laura does and forcing lines out like “tastes like… a butt.”

But really, and I do not know why I find this so offensive, the most egregious thing Laura did all week was this ghastly shot of halved onions scorching on a Hibachi.

I cannot explain to you why I find that so gross. My body physically recoiled. Is it pure confusion over why burning the living piss out of the very outer layer of something while leaving the rest of it raw is considered high culinary technique now? Is it the fact that Laura chose to put them on that Fischer Price-lookin’ ass Hibachi rather than bung them on an oven grill plate which seems like the far more logical choice to me? Is it the fact that they’re skin on?

Hard to say. I certainly can’t tell you why. But whatever the reason is, I hate it.

3) Callum Hann

Who the hell’s call was it to keep Callum in that awkward as fuck holding area for eons last night? And who kept cutting back to shots of him just twiddling his thumbs and slowly going insane?

Jesus christ, man. You couldn’t get up and pace around? They wouldn’t let interact with anyone? Reynold couldn’t pop down off the gantry for a little private gee up? My god.

There’s a whole ass couch there ya goose. Lay down and have a nap or something, bloody hell.

2) Emelia Jackson

Bless Millsy.

Bless her for so many reasons.

Bless her for holding it together after drawing the fish course for last night’s elimination cook.

Bless her for giving it an absolute red hot crack despite the only other time she’s cooked fish this season ending in a near-elimination disaster.

Bless her for absolutely knocking it well and truly out of the park, redeeming arguably her final remaining great mistake of the season.

But most of all bless her for rinsing the absolute bejeezus out of Laura for bragging a little too openly  about her extensive prior commercial restaurant experience to the custom cakes small business owner.

Kitchen privilege. It’s real, folks.

1) Reynold Poernomo

Reynold winning Immunity two weeks in a row is a fair effort unto itself, and him pulling out all his big guns at the pointy end of proceedings kinda goes a long way to proving that he’s something of a strategic genius. But beyond that, the biggest and best thing he did this week was cook himself out of having to be judged by Darren Purchese, who has once again been foiled by his chief commercial rival.

Look at this dude.

That’s the face of a man who was frothing to tear strips off a Reynold dish only to be completely cucked out of it yet a-bloody-gain. That’s twice that’s happened this season.

Look at that gritted grin. Someone told him Reynold wasn’t cooking about 2 seconds before that shot was taken. That’s a man whose entire brain is screaming “are you FUCKING KIDDING ME” and it’s taking every fibre of his physical body to not say it out loud.

Reynold: 2
Darren: 0

And that’s game.