Power Ranking ‘MasterChef’ By How Many Tears My Eyes Have Pissed Since Poh Was Sent Home

There comes a point in every MasterChef season, somewhere just prior to Finals Week, where all purpose of the show drains away. All the dishes are good, everyone’s happy to have made it this far, there’s no real drama any more, the show is treading water, and we’re all just sitting around waiting to glance up from our phones and have our hearts ripped out once a week. That’s the Kitchen Waltz, baby. That’s the carousel we’re all trapped on. Mystery Box up, heart ripped out. The cosmic ballet goes on.

With just five left in the running for MasterChef: Back to Win, it is time once again for everybody to come aboard the Power Ranking train. With Finals Week lurking and all cooking now at Championship-standard, how the hell can anyone possibly separate one from the rest? I, humbly, have found a way. Some may call me a national hero, and I will not stop them from doing so.

ELIMINATED: Poh Ling Yeow

Never in the history of Australian television has anyone made staring into an oven more compelling.

I don’t quite have the words to express just how important Poh, specifically, is to this godforsaken country. My very gifted colleague Steff Tan does, however, and you should read them here.

What I will say is this: Poh arrived back on Australian TV screens at exactly the right time. While everything in the outside world fell apart quite literally before our eyes, Poh provided weeks of welcome distraction. Day in, day out the crushing weight of reality’s despair would wear us all down, bit-by-bit. But at 7:30pm, for 90-odd minutes, five nights a week, we could watch Poh flail about a kitchen and everything would be ok again. The outside world is unpredictably chaotic, but Poh’s chaotic predictability was exactly the escape we needed.

But it’s not simply because she’d spend eons watching a cake bake, or pivot a dish wildly at the absolute last minute. It’s a lot deeper than that. Poh touches a great many of us because she represents the absolute best of all Australians. Skilful, resilient, fiercely proud of – and connected to – her heritage, but crippled by self-doubt and her own insecurities. All character traits that make every one of us so great, but in Poh all so very concentrated, with the flavours and volume turned way, way up.

We’re lucky, frankly, to have had her with us throughout all of this.

Here’s to staring at every oven door from here on out.

5) Callum Hann

You know what? I’ve got a few questions for Big Cal over here re: just what in the ever-loving shit was happening during Sunday’s water sauce debacle.

Chiefly, I require answers to the following:

  1. What’s going on there, mate?
  2. What’s the go with that, brother?
  3. What ah… what were you thinking, cobber?
  4. What was the plan there, champ?
  5. What was the G-O right then and there, homeslice?
  6. What compelled you to give that a crack, my good bitch?
  7. What were you trying to do, Champ Élysées?
  8. What’s up with all that, hombre?
  9. What the fuck?

Any information you can provide in regards to the above is greatly appreciated.

4) Reece Hignell

If nothing else, Reece making it to the Top 5 (as he rightfully should) means there’s a chance at least one man in Australia will now find the courage to drop all his preconceived notions of masculinity and embrace the Kingly pairing of a salmon pink crew neck with black jeans.

And to be honest? That alone makes this entire season worth it.

3) Laura Sharrad

Similar to the Brendan/Reece travel series that I will still hand over absurd amounts of cash to see happen, I would also very much like to see an Emelia/Laura food adventure series where they just get about being lovely nice friends and then they occasionally get a bit wine drunk at a small bar in Vienna or wherever and they cackle together while framed in a string of soft fairy lights and it’s all a bit nice. Call it Loz & Millsy’s European Adventures or whatever. Or something less shit like Wine Not with Loz & Millsy. I dunno, man. I just think it’s a good idea.

2) Emelia Jackson

Have you ever seen a more serene and peaceful contestant in the history of MasterChef? My god. Millsy’s borderline angelic at the moment. Andy could scream “THAT IS BANGIN” so loud that his head literally pops off, and she’d still react by gently clasping her hands and saying “yes, it is, thank you.”

At some point around two or three weeks ago something in Millsy’s head ticked over and she’s been calmer than a still ocean ever since. Nothing rattles her. It’s like insane MasterChef stress is her zen now. Pressure Tests are meditation, to her. Maybe she’s found a mental centre that no one in the history of the show has before. Maybe she’s reached that mythical 10,000-hour mark of doing something where everything falls into place and it all becomes mere muscle memory. Maybe she’s got a thumping big weed crop tucked away in a back corner of the garden and she’s been sneaking away mid-challenge to tuck into a fucken thumping great big jazz cigarette on the reg.

Whatever it is, it’s working.

1) Reynold Poernomo

Oh cool, so it turns out King Biscuit over here really was just biding his time all along? Just cruising? Trying out some shit? Emptying out the bottom drawer of batshit ideas even he didn’t think would quite work? And now that we’re in the business end of things he’s taking the handbrake off and is just gonna do a big chocolate burnout through the rest of the series?

Love that. Love that this has all been a ruse. Love that Reynold gets to flatten everyone now like a wafer-thin twill.

The gloves are off, and the Sugar Boy is comin’. Sick. Big fan of it. What’s he gonna do, make a bloody white chocolate time machine or someshit? YEAH COOL.

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