Anyone who manages to get through an entire episode of MasterChef: Back to Win without reaching for the bottle like a coked-up relay runner searching for the baton has the patience of a saint. You’re certainly stronger willed than I am. Perhaps more than any other year, this current season of MasterChef is driving me to drink harder than a forgotten panna cotta in a blast chiller.
Luckily for me, and all you who are also similarly sozzled by this truly insane show, a Reddit user has come up with a set of MasterChef rules that might mercifully kill us all within a single episode, or at the very least cook us on high for long enough that we don’t remember it.
The absolutely insane game gets off to a rough start by even the most modest of standards by demanding a sip be taken when someone laughs awkwardly, Andy Allen says something mildly bro-ish, Laura dishes up yet another bloody pasta, or even when the word “element” is tossed around. And it only gets worse from there.
Christ almighty, look at that. It’s like reading your own death certificate. Two sips every time a Hibachi Grill is used? You’ll have burned through the business end of a six pack before the first ad break the rate it’s all going at the moment. And honestly, suggesting anyone should take a “big gulp” anytime Poh exhibits chaotic good energy is a suggestion that should come with a Government health warning.
What you do with this set of rules come Sunday night is obviously up to you. But if you do take it on, it’s probably gonna be best to organise your medical certificate for Monday in advance and put your credit cards in a locked and hidden box.
Lord knows that’s what I’ll be doing.
