PREVIOUSLY ON MASTERCHEF AUSTRALIA: The teams were charged with feeding a lawn full of slovenly hedonists all reclined and demanding the application of chocolate to their bellies.
But a fatal counting error occurs when one team misjudges the amount of desserts they’ve cooked by FIFTEEN (maffs!) and sends them into a tizzy, and me into a fit of suspicion, dead bloody certain the unnamed wait staff swiped them all for themselves.
You’re extras on TV. You eat the damned ham sangas on stale bread catering’s sorted out for you and you bloody well like it.
AND NOW, LAST NIGHT.
It’s getting down to business end of the competition, and we open on the MasterChef House which is ready to trim its hoard of prisoners down to a final ten.
On the chopping block tonight is the losing team from Wednesday: Trent, Mimi, Elise, Matt, and Karmen. Mimi marks what could be her final morning in the competition with the breakfast of a divorced empty-nester trying to fill the void the kids have left.
Oh… Oh god that’s heartbreaking. 🙁
The good guys dressed in black (remember that) march into the MasterChef Kitchen, passed the red scooter which is forever parked just outside the door of the building SERIOUSLY WHO DOES THAT DAMNED THING BELONG TO.
Two bucks says it’s George‘s. That guy’s got Vespa written all over his bald bonce.
Tonight’s challenge is a Time Auction, which is a phrase that gets more and more freakin’ morbid the more you think about it. In essence, they’re exchanging time for ingredients. 5 pantries are set up, and one will be revealed every 15 minutes.
Chloe, up on the gantry, remarks “that’s rough.” I’ve taken the liberty of correcting the sub-title to more accurately reflect the right sentiment.
The first reveal is a big heap of herbs, which is also an apt description of everyone’s faces after the cloth is pulled back. No one takes up the challenge of cooking 90 minute dish using just herbs as the core ingredient because nobody can think of anything decent to do. I put it to you that a plate of mad herb scones would’ve had stiffies pinging across the board, but that’s just me.
Suddenly realising they’ve got 15 whole minutes of nothing to fill, George begins taunting them.
“There’s so much you can do,” he purrs. LIKE BLOODY WHAT, GEORGE. This is a teaching competition. Fucking teach them something.
They still refuse to take the bait, so George has to resort to standing in front of them and showing them his best clock impersonation.
Yes, George. That’s very good. Look, we’ll put it right up here on the fridge.
15 minutes pass and the second pantry is revealed to be vegetables. Matt, Trent, and Karmen all leap at the chance to stop having George try and amuse them, whilst Mimi and Elise (who is THE ELIMINATOR this year, remember) remain members of the Waitandsee Tribe.
Matt, who is still far too good at cooking to be anywhere near an elimination challenge, narrates the shit out of his segments to the point where I’m absolutely stunned that he doesn’t have his own cooking show yet.
Except when he’s really serious, he does this thing where he purses his lips together at the end of sentences, making him look a dead ringer for Matt Stone‘s ‘Dave the Sound Guy‘ from the thunderously underrated ‘Orgazmo.’
Funnily enough, Matt also thinks Depeche Mode is a sweet band.
The extra fifteen minutes the first three get to cook is absolutely killing Mimi and Elise, who have to stand there and watch helplessly. Elise kills time by practicing her sassy face, which is running at god levels.
When u fightin and he ask if it’s your time of the month.
Fortunately, the second pantry contains a bounty of fruit, which is news to the ears of two people whose only ideas for a veggie dish were clearly “some kind of soup?“
Over on the veggie side of the table, Matt has had the hand of God touch his brain and is working on a dish idea that’s so clear in his head it’s practically cheating, Trent is busying himself with a rotolo which is the 70s dinner party of MasterChef dishes, and Karmen is whisking up a basil ice cream, which would be a belter of an idea if she actually used enough basil in it to turn the thing bright green, instead of the colour of a weak lime spider.
Because it’s an elimination challenge, Elise has her game-face on, and is bringing out the big guns once again.
Seriously, if you ever find yourself in an elimination challenge with Elise and she pulls out the double beaters, just walk away, because the only way she’ll end up being last is if she’s the only person in the challenge. It is game bloody over.
From there on, it’s one of those cooks where nothing particularly terribly goes wrong, just a few minor things: Trent attempts to boil down pumpkin in water, because apparently he wanted his pasta filling to have all the qualities of a wet flannel, Matt Preston gets far too close to Mimi’s rhubarb so she literally burns him, and Karmen’s just… a little jumbled.
As a final little rub-in-the-face just to prove that he’s hot shit, Matt busts out the kitchen bong to 420 up some leek. And so confident is he about his dish that when George stops him to compliment his plating, all he can do is laugh.
“Hey Matt, nice plating.”
“Bitch, I know.”
And all it takes is a little confusion, and not enough basil, to send Karmen packing this time around, leaving the competition officially down to your FINAL 10 for 2016.
IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER:
BRETT CARTER, who is bafflingly still here, coasting on the knowledge that you don’t have to win everything to progress through the competition, you just have to be not last a lot.
CHLOE BOWLES, who thanks to her has alerted my housemates to the fact that I have a very obvious type and now I need new housemates.
ELENA DUGGAN, who is such a powerhouse of flavour she could light the damned set herself.
ELISE FRANCISKOVIC, whose ELIMINATOR record is now so fierce that she’s more or less the Khaleesi of the MasterChef Kitchen. The KHALISE. ALL SHALL KNEEL.
HARRY FOSTER, who I know for a fact has been reading these articles. G’day m8!
HEATHER DAY, whose streak of winning team challenges is bordering on Undertaker at WrestleMania levels.
MATT SINCLAIR, narrator extraordinaire and contestant voted most likely to be the host of a resurrected ‘Ready, Steady, Cook‘ in 18 months time.
MIMI BAINES, who should probably treat herself to an eggs benny breakfast at some point soon.
THERESA VISINTIN, who has ALREADY BEEN ELIMINATED FROM THIS GODDAMNED SHOW ONCE.
and TRENT HARVEY, who is catching fire at the business end of the season. Dig deep, son. Get on out there and play four quarters of cooking.
My pick for the final 3 (because you clearly all want it)? Matt, Chloe, and Elena. Write it down.
NEXT TIME: FUCK YEAH HESTON BLUMENTHAL LET’S MAKE GUNS OUT OF SWISS CHEESE AND A JIGSAW OUT OF CHICKEN DUST OR SOMESHIT FLIP SOME TABLES FUCK EVERYTHING.
Photos: Channel Ten.
