Oh man, how did we go from all these loved up couples to a bunch of binfire doomed relationships on MAFS? In like A WEEK? I can’t keep up, and I watch every episode with the focus of a…. putt putt expert.
Everyone’s fucked. Connie and Jonnie. Cathy and Josh. Ivan and Aleks. KC and Drew. It’s sad times when The Smunts are the strongest couple in the group, you know?
Let’s start from the top. First we see what Connie and Jonnie’s doomed relationship is decaying into. Their Misery Wall is still proudly painted all over the kitchen splashboard:
Connie is pulling out all the stops in her bid to win Jonnie’s heart – she’s bought him an ill-advised gift! It’s a “positivity button” because he’s been negative! I would have hurled it at the wall and said “I’ll show you negative” before lying on the floor and having a baby tantrum, but Jonnie takes it in his stride.
In fact maybe he… loves his positivity button?
He says Connie’s been super affectionate and trying really hard, and so tonight he is going to try hard as well. Does this mean they can rekindle their love? Lol doubt it.
Over to the next doomed couple – Cathy and Josh. They’ve been in separate apartments since their beach fight. Blah blah, nervous about seeing each other and Josh is also like no I WILL wear my RING until we DIVORCE!
One couple going great guns, probably because it’s been 0.002 seconds that they’ve been together, is Seb and Lizzie. They’ve had sex! Guys! They have HAD SEX and they are KEEN TO TELL EVERYONE ABOUT IT. Which is great like, sex is natural blah blah but also I couldn’t help but feel is was a *little* bit of a sledge at Aleks and Ivan.
KC and Drew? Another bin fire. Drew has called KC materialistic in a fight, KC is mad about it, she says she just wants to look nice and have a guy take control and take her to dinner (and pay for it). He says he would rather show his feelings in other ways and not materialistic shit.
KC is not into this. But you know what she’s extremely not into? Drew then telling her that if they had a daughter, he would have to spend time telling her she’s beautiful the way she is because KC has had her boobs and her lips done and had botox. EXCUSE. THE FUCK. ME???
It’s fucked up and super judgy, and KC wastes no time taking him down for it – saying if she wants to get stuff done to herself, that’s her decision and she does it for her. YEAH GIRL.
Aleks and Ivan, doomed couple #556 it feels, have not gotten past the curse of the devil bird graveyard. Aleks is still off their relationship, but Ivan practically begs her to wait for her own hometown visit before making a decision, because he thinks it’ll make all the difference.
Over at Michael and Stacey, and they are in true Smunt form. Michael tells Stacey he’s had to comfort his very best friend Ivan (who he was rolling his eyes at at the commitment ceremony two seconds ago, by the way) and he feels it’s all Aleks’ fault, because Aleks told him AND Stacey that she’d boned Ivan, and Ivan is keeping it secret.
How this is the root cause of Ivan/Alek’s relationship demise, I do not know – The Smunts need no reason, they just crave drama. Michael says he’s going to confront Aleks at the dinner party.
We head off to the dinner party. Lizzie and Seb arrive first and for no conceivable reason, decide to hide from the next set of guests. It’s Michael and Stacey, who don’t entirely enjoy the jump-surprise. I’m getting bored of their “ohohoho we are the quirky couple” antics.
They all get chatting and Lizzie/Seb immediately tell The Smunts they’ve consummated the marriage. Stacey’s wearing a dress with some sort of fringe merkin over the top of it, that she keeps stroking uncomfortably.
People arrive. Ivan and Aleks walk in subdued, and Connie corners her at the bar to ask what’s up. She says point blank that she thinks her and Ivan are better off as friends. Watching on, Horny Trisha and Mel look like they’ve realised they RUINED THIS RELATIONSHIP (I choose to blame them).
Connie is also looking alarmed, especially when she gently encourages Aleks to give it a chance and Aleks says “nah, why force it if there’s no feelings?”
We zip around the room a bit – Steve’s being a tad more sexy with Mishel, KC’s telling Michael (with numerous thigh pats… insert eyes emoji here) about Drew’s teddies. Then, Josh walks in – SOLO.
He bitches about Cathy, then Cathy walks in solo and bitches about Josh. As the experts say, they simply can’t talk to each other effectively about their issues. Also, Josh needs to pull his head in.
Then Steve grabs Mishel. I thought they were going to go off for a sneaky pash which really would have spiced up proceedings, but instead they come back… with a big blue and a big pink box.
In the boxes? Sexist plushies. Yes, seriously – they hand a sleepy kangaroo plushie in pink to each of the women, and one in blue to the men. HOW. TO. UNPACK. THIS.
First, why are they sexist blue and pink? Second, why in general? Third, why again? Everyone is perplexed.
It’s obviously a producer-led stitch up but I also… don’t understand it? Why plushies? Why anything right now?
Michael and Ivan have a chat – Michael’s hell-bent on this idea he’s doing the world a favour by exposing whatever it is he’s going to expose about Aleks. Ivan face looks like, please stay out of it my man I beg of you.
The dinner party begins. Cathy and Josh are flat out not speaking to or acknowledging each other. Aleks starts telling Lizzie how she isn’t into Ivan, while he sits RIGHT NEXT TO HER. I mean, pick a better time my gal.
Then, of course, Michael goes in on her. He starts off asking how Aleks could possibly have switched her feelings so quickly for Ivan. Aleks tries to rationally explain how feelings work – they’re fickle, and sometimes you can convince yourself you feel something you don’t.
I 100% back her on this. Especially given these people are put in an experiment that’s DESIGNED to create intimacy. Maybe she just felt things were working when they weren’t? That’s her prerogative! Sorry but you can’t just stay with someone when you 100% know it’s not right. Facts.
But then Michael drops the major bomb – he says they’ve had sex. Aleks says they haven’t. Then JOSH pipes in, like a Junior Smunt, saying that actually he’d heard from both of them that they had.
Aleks is speechless, because clearly this is (probably) the truth and now she’s been backed into a corner. It’s pretty fucked up – I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. No one HAS to reveal the intimate details of their sex life! It’s not necessary! This isn’t Sexing At First Sight!
Michael looks like the Head Demon of Demontown.
Aleks flat out says she’s done with the conversation and walks out of the room. Ivan follows, and Michael tells Josh she’s basically had a taste of her own medicine, and wah wah I had to deal with this last week (yes Michael but also you fucking cheated on your wife, so).
CathyandJosharen’tspeakingandtheymisseachothernoonecares.
BACK TO IVAN AND ALEKS! So just before they come back in, Michael drops bomb #2. He knows Aleks went on a date (!!!) with some other guy (!!!!!). Mishel fills in the blanks – they went out with Aleks and Ivan to a Serbian party recently, and there was a guy there who had the hots for Aleks. But! She wasn’t aware anything happened beyond the interest.
Ivan and Aleks return. Michael takes Ivan aside to discuss this date-with-another-bloke situation. Ivan says Aleks told him she went out with a girl and a dude just happened to be there too, not on a date.
The experts are shocked – shocked, I tell you – that Ivan is protecting Aleks even though she’s gone out with someone else. It’s like they don’t understand the concept of, oh I don’t know, a RESPECTFUL MAN WHO ISN’T A FUCKHEAD?
Mishel heads over to clear it up with Aleks directly. She asks if she’s been dating the guy they met. Aleks asks “what guy?” – rookie error, beb. It’s certainly looking like she’s been doing the sneaky, but she then says very confidently that she’s been going to hang with the girl they met, and one time it was a dinner and the owner of the restaurant, who was “like 50”, joined them at the end.
Lizzie is 400 metres away trying to be in on the gossip, of course.
Aleks is fuming. She goes to confront Michael, but he shuts her down. She then decides to address the group – saying she went out with a girl she met at a party, and the owner of the restaurant “who was the same age as my dad” joined them. That it wasn’t a romantic date, and she’s sorry if that offends anyone. It’s a killer speech, and Michael looks irate that he’s been shut down.
Michael says it’s not what she said the other night to him in the lobby, and Aleks rebuts by saying “didn’t realise we were best friends”. LOLOLOL GUYS. Loving this sick.
Then Michael brings up how Josh apparently was also told Ivan/Aleks fucked. Josh looks like:
Aleks says intimacy means something different to her, and she was talking about making out with Ivan, not having sex with him. Goddddd the convo is getting so awkward. Ivan steps in, FINALLY, to ask if everyone could please shut the fuck up now.
THEN, shit really hits the fan. Aleks wins the fight, and everyone shuts up. But then Josh comes to sit with Ivan and is pressuring him to speak up. At first I was like WTFFFFF let it go you pack of chunts, but Josh says something surprising:
Jonnie, because he is a human angel and at this point the only husband on my Fantasy MAFS Husbands list because Ivan is INCREASINGLY APPEARING TO BE A DEMON, tells them to shut up.
Then Michael and Josh tell him that actually, Ivan asked them to stick up for him. That Ivan asked them to bring up all this shit at the dinner party.
Josh is particularly pissed – he tells the camera Ivan called him and Michael yesterday, complaining about Aleks’ about-turn on their relationship and asking “if I bring [the fact we’ve had sex] up, will you have my back”. W H A T.
Naturally, if this is true, he’s pissed he’s been thrown under the bus. He feels like Ivan came out the good guy and that he/Michael look like demons when in fact they were helping out a mate.
I don’t know WHAT to think. Aleks gets up and says she’s leaving, and Ivan follows her. Lizzie and Seb are like, WTF did we just see and seem as confused as I am.
Ivan and Aleks have a heated convo in like, the production hangar or whatever the fuck. Lol that area is so good, I love when people run off into it.
The experts are out here trying to pretend they weren’t rooting for Ivan 100% up until Josh revealed his demonic ways.
I’m also cackling into my burrito bowl because the experts try and pitch Michael as some hero, because he took on the goss around him cheating head on. Bitch he did NOT! He denied it and tried to pretend he was too drunk to remember!! Have we all got selective memory? LOLOLOL.
Connie, Stacey and Lizzie have a goss about WTF just happened. Lizzie thinks he made the drama on purpose, and Connie reckons he stitched up Michael and Josh to make himself look good in an effort to win back Aleks. Lizzie loves this because Lizzie is finally getting the gossip and drama she craved from MAFS 2.0.
My take? Ivan wanted to bring it up, then chickened out. So Michael did it anyway because he is Head Demon. Then Ivan wanted to backtrack on all of it since it backfired spectacularly.
Aleks is distraught. She doesn’t know if she can trust Ivan, but also I guess he was the only one she DID trust up until this point. Oh man. She leaves alone, and we’re given this stellar to-camera moment where Ivan is telling us he never staged for all of it to come out, and he loves Aleks, and he’s loved her since very early on, and he’s learned the in’s and out’s of her personality over time. Which is all extremely normal stuff to be saying, until you PUT HORROR PSYCHOPATH MOVIE MUSIC ON TOP OF IT.
I mean you know you’re done for when production gives you the psychopath background music.
Oofty. I mean, who the fuck knows what’s up or down, here or there. I certainly don’t. I like to think you can’t edit a complete angel out of a sociopath, and that Michael and Josh are shit stirring since it’s absolutely in THEIR character to do so. But then again maybe you can? Maybe all this time, Ivan has been playing a game like stale TV series The Mole?
Guess we’ll find out on Sunday, folks.
Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also the co-host of the All Aussie Mystery Hour podcast, and posts shit content on Instagram.
