Guysguysguysguysguys. We’re deep in the bowels of MAFS right now, but soon we’re going to be pushed back out into this world (what is this analogy? Are we poo right now??) MAFS-less and blinking, like stunned little eels (seriously, where is this analogy going) emerging into the… light.

Anyway! All of that was a convoluted way of saying we must be reaching the end, because there’s only one more commitment ceremony after this! Wowowowow. But also not wow I’m ready for Bachelor In Paradise, I need new relationships to be overly invested in.

Everyone’s tizzying up for the second last (!!!) commitment ceremony. Jonethen is shaving his chest hairs which has given every person who dated someone with chest stubble waves of anxiety as they remember what chestburn feels like.

embrace the freedom of a chest bush, seriously

They’re also having highly staged convos about Aleks and Ivan. KC says if Aleks went out with this bearded mystery man, that’s super not on hey. Steve in typical boomer areas has NFI what’s going on. Lizzie just loves that something is happening since her season was way more exciting than this.

Also, I am beginning to think the producers have poisoned the teabags because these people simply cannot stop drinking tea. NO ONE DRINKS THIS MUCH TEA UNLESS THEY ARE 90 YEARS OLD AND ALSO THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND.

new thought, are these people just robots fuelled by english breakfast

Naturally, Josh is having a sulk on the balcony after getting duped (maybe) by Ivan.

i can’t believe i did a shit thing coz I was told to do a shit thing

He feels used, and when we go over to see what Aleks is up to, she says the same (and is also balcony sulking).

i can’t believe my saintly aura has been tainted with intercourse

Aleks tells us she let Ivan into her heart, and that she thinks he revealed a different side to himself at the dinner party. Was she blindsided the whole way through, etc etc.

Then we head over to Ivan, who is interestingly saying he didn’t tell Josh/Michael to bring up Aleks seeing someone else. What about the SEX, Ivan? Did you tell them to bring up the SEX though!?

i did not ever, not once do this thing that wasn’t what everyone accused me of

We head over to Connie and Jonnie’s place, where Jonnie is flashing his freshly shaven chest at Connie.

If you close your eyes it’s like patting a lil cactus

He asks her what she’ll write. She says she’s battling head and heart, and tells the camera she doesn’t know if she can take any more rejection. CONNIE! MY GAL! WAKE UP! Write no and yeet yourself out of there, I’m sure there’s a sexy shark man somewhere marineish who has been watching like, damn, this woman is a babe AND is obsessed with sharks like I am.

Lizzie and KC are having a gal pal moment (wot, since when are they mates) and then Lizzie tells us she’s smitten, basically. It would be cute if happiness didn’t bore me.

yeah good for you, you smug chunt

KC’s like, cool love that for you before launching into how shit her own relationship is. She says Drew is super judgy and she’s getting pretty sick of it. Same tbh. Who isn’t sick of Drew moaning about KC’s fake boobs. They’re pretty good fake boobs? Get over it.

Drew is also moaning on about materialism to Seb, who seems disinterested but does a decent job of pretending to care. Were the experts on the ganja when they set KC and Drew up? I see NO similarities between them whatsoever. Like, I cannot see KC on some squeaky pushbike carrying Drew’s guitar on her back and pedalling to one of his pub gigs, just like I can’t see Drew hooning around in a Ferrari in LA.

Jonnie and Connie split to talk to Steve and Mishel respectively. Connie tells Mishel they had a fantastic home stay, but she feels the spark isn’t there on Jonnie’s side. Hmm, might be because Jonnie repeatedly says “there’s no spark for me on my side”. Jonnie says pretty much the same thing to Steve, who is 10000% not paying attention and just concerned with that odd little mullet Jonethen’s been growing all season.

please let me shave it
I’m just getting really fucking mad you’re not letting me shave it

Steve tells him it’s worth going the full length of the experiment, and he should go to Melbourne to see if his feelings change. Sorry – it’s been six weeks? I think we can safely say this is the epitome of flogging a dead horse. But sure.

The big question is whether Ivan and Aleks will show up to the commitment ceremony. Then John drops a bomb on everyone – pysch! They’re not only NOT coming, they’ve fucking yeeted out of the show altogether. GOD TIER MOVE.

Michael and Josh are fuming. Stacey, for no logical reason since she had nothing to do with it, is fuming. John looks like he can’t take any more of his experimental couples failing.

why can’t you all just stay in fucking LOOOOOOOOOO-

Lizzie, Josh, Mishel are all saying they’re cowards and it’s “not fair” that they get to avoid the commitment ceremony. I don’t understand this whole concept of “not fair” and “coward” when it comes to exposing all your shit to the group. It’s not fucking Screaming Match At First Sight, except it kind of is, scratch all of this how DARE Aleks and Ivan deny us what we crave.

First couple up are Mishel and Steve. Mishel seems super loved up and has her hand on Steve’s thigh, and she says all these lovey things about him. Then he says how proud he is of this woman (???) and how she’s a beautiful person inside and out (???) like cool but also Steve, these are things you could say about your colleague at their leaving do. Did you go to bonetown or did you go to bonetown.

DID YOU CONSUMMATE

Turns out they haven’t, but guys! They’re kissing and hugging more! I actually love these old snail slowpokes taking 4,000 years to even pat a thigh. Mishel tells the experts the only thing she regrets is that her walls didn’t come down earlier, because the experiment is almost over and she’s worried it’s too little/too late. It’s like these people have forgotten that no one’s got a gun to their head saying they can’t continue their relationship post-show, but ok.

They both write stay.

Michael and Stacey are also all smunted up and happy. They both stay. I’m so bored of them I would rather watch paint peel off a wall.

TFW you prob should have caused one more cheating scandal for the IG follows

Then we get Connie and Jonethen. First, the experts ask Connie how she’s feeling and she says she’s developing *some* feelings, and she’s unsure of what they are (they’re love). She misses him when he goes to the gym (love) and when he’s not in bed (love) but she isn’t sure entirely what the feelings are (no she’s just pretending she doesn’t know to save face, she’s in love).

Then they ask Jonnie, and he’s like ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm…..

who is Jonethen I am merely a human shaped couch pillow

He says he’s still unsure about whether romantic feelings for her are going to develop, and doesn’t know how long he should be waiting for them to because so far they haven’t. He’s all “Connie’s beautiful and funny and intelligent” and she’s like:

Me every time a guy says “Mel you’re amazing, you’re so gorgeous and cool but…”

In the end, Connie writes stay but Jonethen writes leave. OOFT. The entirety of Australia wishes they could reach into the TV and simultaneously strangle Connie for being so fucking moronic and also hug her after being punched in the emotional dick.

I TOLD YOU, CONNIE, YOU’RE TOO PURE FOR THIS SHOW

It is HARD to watch. You can just see the pain all over her face. On one hand I’m like fuck you Jonnie for breaking her heart – but then I’m also like, Connie, doll, the man has been saying repeatedly all week that he isn’t feeling it so LET IT GOOOOO.

Anyway, just when you feel sad for both of them equally, Jonnie throws his own self under the bus by saying he was hoping Connie would write stay, because he knew her hometown was coming up and that he thought maybe a spark might develop there. HWAT. WAHT. THWHGAHT?????

Everyone is like:

HGKDSWAT?
ABLAHGAHT?

Mel goes in on him, saying he’s sending mixed signals saying stuff like that. Connie asks why he wrote leave if he had a bit of hope, and he said because his feelings for her hadn’t changed as of right now. Mishel is shaking her head bc she knows this is just classic Boys Being Fucking Dumb shit.

sowwwwwy

When they go to sit down, everyone goes in on Jonnie. This is like the first time he hasn’t just been mincing around in the shadows avoiding all forms of confrontation on this show, so he’s like:

I can’t hear you I’m but a human sized throw pillow

It gets intense. Mishel is yelling at him. Then Stacey is. I thought a full on fight was going to go down when Michael got involved, but John diffuses the situation by telling everyone to shut the fuck up, essentially.

Then it’s on to KC and Drew. They air all their dirty laundry – starting with KC’s dislike of Cornelius the plushie unicorn. He is the new Plushie Rick, object of KC’s wrath.

my platonic housemate Jessie would never do me like this

This moves on to how Drew thinks she’s a vapid moron (basically), he even says her idea of a relationship is being a “kept woman” (!!!!) Oh my GOD I would legit kick a guy in the goolies on national TV if he said that to me.

In the end Drew comes off the worst for his comments about KC’s values, which she says aren’t fast cars and money but are love/family/blah blah blah. They both write stay, since they’ve been here for five minutes and can tolerate each other’s bullshit still.

FINALLY, we make it to Cathy and Josh. They sit about 3,000 kilometres apart on the couch. There are probably different time zones for their respective spots.

hey can you talk at 1.15pm my time?

They are DONE. D-O-N-E. I can’t even remember what went wrong with these guys. Josh’s helicopter mum? Cathy’s sad rabbit gown? What the fuck happened to these guys.

Anyway, in news that surprises none of us, they both write leave. They are also pissing off on bad terms, it seems. Oh well! Bye!

Tomorrow night – Mishel and Steve share a bed, maybe! Connie’s mates circle Jonnie then feed on his warm flesh!

Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also the co-host of the All Aussie Mystery Hour podcast, and posts shit content on Instagram.