Somehow, things are both ramping up on MAFS and getting more boring? I have high hopes for tomorrow night’s dinner party, but tonight’s episode was just depressing, to be honest. It’s not exactly FunTimes Arizona watching couples fall apart, is it? Unless they are behaving like giant babies, obviously (ahem, Michael, ahem).
Anyway, we’ve moved on to the other few couples and what they’re up to on spouse home visit or whatever this week is called. First we do a quick check in – Michael’s calling Stacey Tinkerbell! Connie’s boring Jonnie into oblivion with shark facts!
Then we deep dive on Aleks and Ivan. They’ve headed to Sydney, and we’re reminded with flashbacks that Ivan has a yacht. I actually DID forget he had a yacht. So there you bloody go.
When they rock up to his apartment, instead of being a slick model home like Michael’s soulless atrocity, it’s… kinda a shithole. There’s a lovely view of a devil bird graveyard or something, filled with the wretches of bird society like bin chickens and diseased pigeons.
His home is also the sparsest of all the dudes so far – his bedside table is a plastic folding chair.
Aleks looks mildly alarmed by the tiny bed and general depressing decor, but obediently tizzies up for Ivan’s surprise. Even though he stresses multiple times that she shouldn’t get too excited, she looks monumentally disappointed when he whips off her blindfold to reveal…
A cheese plate on a plastic tablecloth, with a 10/10 view of the devil bird soiree.
As they’re eating awkwardly, Aleks tells us she’s at a bit of a crossroads. She doesn’t want to force something that isn’t there, basically. What she’s really saying is what we’ve kinda known all along – she’s not THAT into Ivan, and it’s reaching the point (like with Connie/Jonnie) where one party is realising they should be feeling at least smitten after six weeks.
It’s just shit because I love Aleks and Ivan? Can we force them to love each other, somehow?
Next, we head to Steve and Mishel. They’re still sleeping in separate beds, except now we know the reason why:
Mishel has inspired me to buy a sleep apnoea machine. I would love the feeling of oxygen shooting up my nose cavity as I slumber! I actually would, though. Air, it’s a vibe.
When Mishel wakes up (in full makeup including red lipstick, girl is not slowing down the I’m Hot Express) she tells Steve she’s lost her voice. The best bit? When he offers to take her to a doctor, she says “oh it’s ok, I can just get lozenges. You know what else I need?” and when he asks what she goes “Moet with gold leaf”. I love this woman.
Over to Connie and Jonnie, who continue to have the sexual energy of two sea cucumbers 400 kilometres apart, that are also dead.
Is any else depressed about this? I’m depressed about this. JUST LOVE EACH OTHER, FOR FUCK’S SAKE. Why can’t I have what I want, which is all of these couples to be in love for my benefit.
Anyway, Jonnie’s housemate is due home and Connie is stressed about it. Extremely same, to be honest – nothing sucks more than meeting the housemates for the first time. Especially when…
YES. The housemate, Tyler, owns a fedora somehow. I thought we burned all fedoras back in 2010, but I was wrong. It turns out one survived – saved by Jonnie’s housemate Tyler.
Immediately, Jonethen starts telling Tyler every teeny, embarrassing detail about their relationship, including all the see-sawing with feelings and so on. Connie’s like:
Judgy Fedora continues to be judgy, saying their relationship sounds pretty shit since they’re up and down a lot. I mean, he’s right, but also shut up Judgy Fedora! No one asked you! Except they did. But also shut up!
He just won’t fuck off, constantly telling Connie and Jonnie over dinner that if they’re not getting along after three months, it’s probably not working. Again – he’s right! But also as Connie says, he’s known her for ten seconds!
After dinner they hop into bed, but Connie quickly heads to the toot, I think, to word vomit her anxieties about Jonnie’s friends being in his ear to a hand-held camera. She’s very stressed, and things don’t look peachy keen in the bedroom, either.
New plan, someone make Connie disappear for the last two weeks and I’ll take her place. I won’t make any Misery Boards but I WILL still be playing puzzles coz they fucken rule.
Current fantasy MAFS husbands: Jonnie, then Ivan, then literally no one else.
Over to Seb and Lizzie, who are meeting Seb’s mates Zeb (….) and Anastasia. Clearly, Anastasia has decided she is A Star and must Take Control Of The Scene. She tells us she’s watched Lizzie’s season of MAFS, and it was a DISASTER. She will NOT be holding BACK you guys! She must protect her friend Seb! Slash, get as much air time as possible.
You can see her thinking “this is how I become the focus on the episode” as she speaks.
Lizzie tells us “well, it’s obvious we’re all big personalities but uh, I’m the biggest.” She takes the grilling well – read, she does not let Anastasia dominate the scene – reassuring Anastasia and Zeb that she’s really into Seb, and it’s nothing like last time.
This makes them happy, although I’m sure Anastasia is crying inside that she didn’t get to take down Queen Lizzie.
Back to Mishel and Steve – they’ve headed to his mates place for lunch. Things are going really well at first. His business partner tells Mishel that knowing Steve’s previous relationships, him opening up so much to her is huge. This woman looks like she wants to smush their faces together and glue them there.
But then, things go to shit. Idiot Steve brings up his lack of attraction to Mishel. STEVE, WHY. WHY, STEVE, MY GOD.
Mishel is PISSED. Understandably!! Why the fuck would you bring that up with your MATES with your WIFE PRESENT.
The worst bit is, she can’t speak so she’s like, silent-pissed. Everyone’s telling her Steve didn’t mean it as a betrayal, he was trying to protect her feelings – which is completely true, but also they’re all HIS mates, naturally she’s going to feel super humiliated with them all lecturing her.
Eventually, she storms out. Steve follows her, and doesn’t get why she’s mad. The way he sees it, they are his mates and he was being honest with his good mates. STEVE! MY DUDE!
Over to Aleks and Ivan again, this time Ivan’s making Aleks watch his friends hoon around in their lame cars.
All of them inexplicably have terrible number plates, like “Queens” and “Humble”.
Nothing about the cars impresses Aleks, if anything she looks alarmed that Ivan has morphed from Mr Respect to Mr “Pitbull” Worldwide. Maybe Tyler will lend him his fedora?
Back to Connie and Jonethen – MORE mates are coming over. Connie’s not optimistic about how it’ll go. Side note, can we discuss how Jonnie’s grown a small mullet over the course of the season?
His three best mates arrive, including his brother. Connie looks like she wishes the earth would swallow her whole.
They start dissecting all their relationship problems (why does everyone DO this, who talks to their mates in a group setting about martial woes?) which is obviously, again, the last thing Connie wants to do. This man, who looks about 19 years old, is strangely a bit of a Dr Phil:
Connie gets along really well with Jonethen’s mates, and it doesn’t go unnoticed. Jonnie tells the camera he is “way more attracted” to this Connie, who is laid back. But now I feel like SHE’S trying to be someone HE likes. Which is also not good.
At this stage it feels like Connie’s trying so hard to make their relationship work, but there’s a line between working on your shit and square pegs/round hole or whatever. Still, as I said – very sad. Would like everyone to be in love so I can feel happy, yet also depressed about my own life.
Back to Aleks and Ivan. Ivan’s decided a super romantic date for them would be for Aleks to hang around a house showing he has to work. Especially since she herself is a real estate agent, so it’s not like it’s brand new information.
Of course, she’s bored. She’s also increasingly seeming like she doesn’t have feelings for Ivan beyond just mates.
Back to Connie and Jonethen – they have a chat, which is basically Connie trying to convince Jonnie that he’s now seeing the “real her”, hint hint never leave me. He sounds a bit more hopeful but honestly, not much more.
Mishel and Steve are still fighting, what’s new.
Over to KC and Drew, who seem VERY into each other. They’re spooning in bed, before Drew says he’s going to get them coffees and leaves her with Cornelius The Possessed Plushie.
KC then decides it’ll be a brilliant idea to snoop through Drew’s shit and start throwing stuff out she doesn’t like. Everyone loves that done to them by a new partner!
When Drew gets back he jokes around a bit about it, but KC is being super rude. She hasn’t worked out that hey, it’s kinda fucking rude to chuck a stranger’s shit in the bin. In the end Drew starts getting pissy too, and tells the camera it’s a red flag for him.
Back to Aleks and Ivan – it’s not good. Oh god, guys, it’s not good. Basically Aleks has been having an anxiety nap and realised she doesn’t see Ivan as a romantic partner. Which we did all know. But I was in denial!!! I was hoping!!! Anyway you can pinpoint the moment Ivan’s heart rips in two:
He digests this information, before flipping the denial switch and saying “well I still think what we have is great!” And Aleks is like:
Then it’s time for the most uncomfortable experience of my life. Worse than the time a guy wore red jeans and then before we had sex, took them off to reveal red matching undies.
Connie and Jonethen having a sex talk.
I WAS wondering about their sex life, to be honest, because while Aleks and Ivan copped the brunt of the experts sex wrath, these guys seem to get out of it. But it turns out they haven’t boned, and now Connie’s really keen to.
They start a convo about it and it is THE most painful thing to watch. It’s like on par with watching a cute bug slowly die. Connie’s gesturing with her hands because she’s nervous, and Jonnie’s trying to let her down easy by saying they shouldn’t have sex just-because, and she’s all “yeah we need to be back on a good emotional level” which is the ultimate boner-killer sentence… it’s ALL BAD.
Jonnie yeets himself out of there quick sticks, bounding out to the water for a swim. He tells the camera he wishes he never told Connie he saw hope, because now she’s running with it and he didn’t mean “we’re back on”. Oh, shit you guys.
I have to say, if I’d been forced to have a sex talk on national TV I would have been 400 times more awkward and would also likely have vomited into my beach bag. So she did well, considering.
Back to Aleks and Ivan, also not Having A Time Of It. Ivan has gone for a pensive walk in the devil bird graveyard.
Here he is pensively listening to things.
And pensively swinging his feelings away.
Then we go back to Mishel and Steve who are having an intimate face mask time or something, whatever who cares everyone is DOOMED! Did you see tomorrow night’s preview? Aleks has DONE SOMETHING BAD AND WE DON’T KNOW WHAT! Michael is, as usual, being a c*nt.
Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also the co-host of the All Aussie Mystery Hour podcast, and posts shit content on Instagram.
