It’s time for a commitment ceremony! Honestly at this point I won’t be sad if a shitload of couples break up – I need some drama that isn’t Steve sensibly letting Mishel know after a reasonable amount of time that his physical attraction to her just hasn’t developed.
But we… did not get that.
Let’s recap though, shall we? We visit everyone as they’re prepping for the ceremony. Mishel is, of course, looking 11/10 because what makes you a perfectionist about your makeup and choose the hottest outfit quite like rejection?
Her and Steve have been sleeping apart – like, not just their own beds, but their own apartments – since Steve told Mishel he wasn’t feeling the physical vibes. If I had to put money on one couple splitting up tonight, it’s them.
The other couple I’d put maybe 50 cents on for a break up? Connie & Jonethen, They are obviously in a bit of a poo situation after Jonnie told Connie he wasn’t sure things were working, on account of THIS HEINOUS MISERY BOARD.
They sit down to talk about their relationship, and Connie alleviates her stress by violently snapping puzzle pieces into place.
Probably the most interesting pre-ceremony chat is KC and Drew. Is KC now going by Kasey? I am so confused. Whatever, the point is – KC will not let Plushie Rick go. She simply cannot stand Plushie Rick. I’m mildly concerned she’s going to autopsy the thing to see if there’s a secret love note stashed inside his stomach.
She proper ends up in tears because Drew has had enough of the Plushie Rick fandango, and calls her “super jealous”. This must be a trigger for KC because she gets really, really upset about it.
On to the ceremony! First up is Cathy and Josh, who are fine but Josh feels they’re in a communal friend-zone and doesn’t think they can get back the spark. Cathy thinks they CAN get the spark back. In the end, they both write stay but have some mild weird vibes.
Then it’s The Smunts. They’re just loved up and fine/dandy, aren’t they! Just loving life even though ten days ago, Michael cheated on Stacey! It’s fine though!
Stacey drops the l-word – she’s in love with Michael, and this is the moment she chooses to tell him! On national TV, in front of the experts and everyone else! Super normal!
Then – hoo boy – it’s Aleks and Ivan. You already know what I’m going to write don’t you. Yep, Horny Trish is out for blood.
She needs to hear about the rumpy pumpy. She needs it like the blood in her veins. And when you deny Horny Trish what she craves, well.
You are in for a world of pain. She hits Ivan and Aleks with a barrage of questions, most of which Ivan answers. It goes from “how is the intimacy” to “this is a concern” to MEL getting involved and suggesting their relationship has stalled.
It gets super uncomfortable because Ivan is just. Not. Having. It. Unlike other couples, he refuses to break under the expert’s steely gaze. He just keeps repeating that as a couple, they don’t feel comfortable sharing about their sex life. The experts feel that part of this show is revealing your sex life, then I think they realise how skeezy that sounds and backtrack, saying noooo it’s about GENERAL INTIMACY so if you’ve got like INTIMACY IN GENERAL it’s fine!
Ivan and Aleks tooootally see through this bullshit and are like:
It gets so heated, I actually think Ivan is going to hurl a throw pillow at Horny Trisha’s head. But he doesn’t, eventually the experts let it go, and Aleks/Ivan walk off without revealing if they’ve fucked. I am CHEERING.
Then it’s Lizzie and Seb – sorry, but was anyone else off it when Lizzie was like smuntily judging Aleks and Ivan for not opening up? Everyone is different beb. All power to you if you’re down to discuss your sex life, and all power to them if they aren’t down.
Anyway, her and Seb are doing great, so great they’re actually boring. They both choose to stay – next!
Then it’s Connie and Jonnie. Connie tells the experts all about their seemingly great week that went to shit when Jonethen revealed that actually, he wasn’t enjoying walking on eggshells around Connie. In the end, she says stay while he says leave. I was shocked Connie wasn’t also voting leave, anticipating Jonnie’s decision. I have a feeling these guys will last just one more week – they don’t seem suited.
Then it’s KC and Drew. KC brings up Plushie Rick. The Smunts start sniggering off to the side, so loudly that KC actually makes a comment about it – and in great scenes, Mel roasts Michael and Stacey, saying “how about a little respect” – this is a new couple being open with the group, and they’re frankly being dicks about it.
All I want from this show is more of this – The Smunts being taken down a peg.
They both choose to stay, because it’s such early days and who knows if Plushie Rick will become a sentient being and devour KC whole so Drew can go be with Jessie whomst he loves.
Finally, it’s Mishel and Steve. I was CONVINCED these two were headed for splitsville, but shockingly – while Steve wants to leave because he feels the fighting is too much, Mishel says she spoke with her daughter Eva and Eva told her to stay, because it’s the complete opposite of what she would normally do.
So they stay together. Steve looks a bit miffed but mainly resigned to the fact they’re over?
Tomorrow night it’s home visits, which PLEASE GOD will stir up the drama, I hope.
Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also the co-host of the All Aussie Mystery Hour podcast, and posts shit content on Instagram.
