The time has come. Thank you to all who have been on this truly dumb MAFS recap journey with me. Cheers to all those hours of our lives that we won’t get back.
Tonight we have the MAFS final vows of Alyssa and Prince Eric (Duncan), and Layton and Melinda. I learned to stop having hope for anything love-related many years ago so I’m not holding my breath for tonight’s episode.
Anyway, Alyssa — who has a child, in case you didn’t know — is freaking out over leaving Prince Eric. I guess that emotion takes charge when you’ve been a royal pain in the ass to your partner — just a wild guess.
Before they fuck off out of the SKYE Suites prison cell for good, they’re looking back on their wedding day when they were young and in love and full of promise and hope.
Melinda and Layton have spent the night separately and our eyebrow CEO is distraught because, as you might recall, she’s in love with him but he doesn’t feel the same way.
They’re also watching their wedding video back — only in different apartments — to offer perspective ahead of vows. But holy shit, with this footage, surely they’ll wind up hating each other even more than they already do?
Did they… just play back the footage of Melinda saying he was punching? How is he laughing? I guess that’s love, folks.
Melinda realises that all the things she initially found unattractive about Layton have now become attractive instead. That’s also a shit side effect of love, folks.
OK, if you weren’t convinced that Layton made hella money before now, then this “alone in Sydney” shot of him ought to do the trick.
Heavens. Layton even thinks about love logically which is wild considering it’s something that generally makes you illogical. He puts the cherry on top by babbling some nonsense about data inputs and it’s a miracle I’ve tolerated him so long.
He’s telling his sister about Melinda’s declaration of love. She points out the obvious which is that he didn’t validate her feelings.
Layton worries that people who fall in love easily can fall out of love easily and you know what, doll? I feel you on that. Side note: I wont sleep until I know what he was drinking but not allowed to show.
He’s not doing well.
Over in Brissy, Melinda is telling her mum about the dinner party love bomb (and how her husband decided to respond to the hugely vulnerable moment).
Alright, nothing else happens that we haven’t seen or heard before so let’s go straight to vows — it’s by the Harbour Bridge which I believe to be a similar backdrop to their wedding day. I could be wrong. It feels like 2,000 years ago.
Melinda looks fucking phenomenal and Layton notices before tucking into his presentation. Sorry, vows.
He says they got caught up in the relationship’s friction and didn’t have time to recover from it. He also wants to apologise!
“I realise there are times where I failed you,” he tells her. He’s crying now and I feel for him and the very clear regret he’s experiencing.
“There were moments when you needed me and I wasn’t there to support you. There were moments when you didn’t feel secure and I wasn’t able to make you feel safe,” Layton continues.
“And there were moments when you felt alone and I didn’t do enough to make you feel like I was standing there by your side.
“At times I let my pride, my ego and my own insecurities get the better of me and I’m sorry for all those times I let you down.”
It takes a big person to admit these things. Proud of our cannabis CEO.
“People think your soulmate is your perfect fit, and that’s what I thought I wanted. But maybe a true soulmate is a mirror, a person who shows you everything that’s holding you back,” he says.
OH IT’S AWNNNN.
“The person who brings you to your own attention that you can make a change, and my biggest fear is that despite so many similarities, our differences will always bring out the worst in each other,” he continues.
OK, that’s not good. Also, why is she smiling?
“When love should bring out the best.”
He says the last week has been a battle between his head and his heart and honey, isn’t that your whole damn existence (not just the last week)?
“Our relationship is hard and us being together is a risk, so I’m ready to take that risk with you today,” he tells her.
Doll, this is not an edgy social media campaign. It’s a relationship. She doesn’t look that stoked either?
He finishes his PowerPoint by saying he’s falling in love with her. She says nothing back (perhaps because she can’t reveal her decision just yet) and I hope now he knows how it feels to be have an admission like that unreciprocated.
Her turn! Golden hour for Melinda! We love this!
LOL she reminds Layton she wasn’t attracted to him at first. But his personality prevailed!
“There were times you had my back. But there were also times you were on the opposite team,” Melinda tells Layton.
She says he made her feel alone, humiliated and attacked at the final dinner party after confessing her love.
“At a time when I was most vulnerable,” she clarifies. Yes. Tell him so it sinks in.
“I’m not sure we can find a way to bring out the best in each other, and I worry at times we bring out the worst.”
He is STRESSED and if my partner and I both thought we brought out the worst in each other (they’ve both said this in the vows alone), I too would be uneasy.
She says its frustrating but it doesn’t change how she feels about him. Translation: he is very employable.
Now Melinda would like to tell her MAFS husband all the things she loves about him:
- Ability to light up the room
- Time he has for others
- How he makes her feel loved without needing to love her at all
She also wants to take the risk on a lucrative and collaborative future including a secondary social income.
“I love you. And I want us to be together.”
Cute. And they fought angrily ever after.
They’re feeling over the moon that they married versions of themselves they can have sex with.
Plans for the future? Two boys, an Italian greyhound, house on the beach and Layton cooking up a storm while telling Melinda how she’s his perfect person with beautiful eyelashes.
Props to whatever brand this is for engineering product placement that makes no sense at all.
Alright, enough of our power couple. Alyssa has a child and we must spend another 20 minutes of our lives being reminded of that.
She’s travelled an exhausting 20 minutes Other The Bridge (OTB) to pow-wow with her profound mother. She tells mother dearest that Prince Eric has changed a lot since their wedding day.
Prince Eric is meeting with his sister who is also blessed with unfairly good genes. Um, do you think these two come from money? Asking for a friend.
Prince Eric’s sister, who I did not catch the name of, thinks Alyssa is an energy sap.
Prince Eric, however, is still conflicted by the 56 per cent of good times they’ve had previously. He does wonder if they’re holding onto something that’s not working, though.
Can we stop pretending that Alyssa and Prince Eric are making a “lifelong commitment”? Look at the past seasons. Saying “let’s keep doing this” means shit all. Just ask Olivia Frazer and Jackson Lonie. Or Domenica Calarco and Jack Millar. Just anyone. Ask anyone.
The only commitment this prince is making is to a favourable image or very open DMs. That is all.
Alright it’s MAFS final vows time and for some reason they are in the middle of the woods? Very Disney areas for our Prince Eric who, not going to lie, looks very enthused to see her.
She’s first to speak in a producer go-to that ensures people’s hearts get ripped out by putting it all on the line. She reflects on the 56 per cent of good times they’ve had before diving into the last few weeks of a shit heap.
But she wants to “help” him! To dig deep! Which I’m guessing means that she wants to continue.
He thanks her for her words. Quite literally that is what he said and did.
Prince Eric says he hoped to find his forever but that there have been some “low lows”.
“From the start I was told who I can and can’t talk to on this experiment.”
“I also didn’t feel like I got the benefit of the doubt from you, even though I hadn’t broken your trust.”
He says the couples retreat was where it all went to shit but he never gave up.
“I know what love is. I know what a great relationship is and I think that we both deserve that,” he tells her.
This ain’t looking good, sis.
“But our views on what a healthy relationship looks like seems to be apart.
“I felt emotionally rejected more times than I can remember. Maybe it’s our personalities. Maybe it’s our differing mindsets. But either way, the gap seems too big to bridge.
“I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want to continue getting hurt.
“So I have to say goodbye.”
Like I get it but FUCK. How many breakups end with a “I’ve got to say goodbye” lololololol.
Hoooo boy she ain’t happy. She’s shaking her head and letting out some swears.
Alexa, play Jamie Lawson’s ‘Wasn’t Expecting That’.
If looks could kill, my god.
She rejects a tissue before walking away. I love that he had one on hand?
Well at least he’s prepared to be the next Bachelor with that rejection practice.
Mothers around the country will be very happy to learn that Prince Eric is still single and ready to mingle. But Alyssa? Unhappy. She is very well off it and doesn’t know who that man is.
“I feel like Duncan is looking for a princess to take care of but I’m not a princess — I’m a queen,” she says.
I just spat-laughed. No word of a lie. BAHAHAHAHAH.
Move over, “I have a child” because “I’m not a princess, I’m a queen” is my new go-to line. It’s unfortunate that both would be untrue coming out of my mouth.
Prince Eric is sad. And when he is sad it truly does things to me in the nether regions.
“I think I just want to be around my family,” he says. Family is the best during heartbreak. Is his heart broken? TBC? His soul? Possibly.
In other news, Alyssa is taking a dump in the forest.
She wants to travel approximately 20 minutes back to the beaches and escape this shit. Literally?
And that’s it! One more night of final vows and we’re officially wrapped for MAFS, people. If you don’t count the litty reunion, that is.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer and host of We’ve Done The MAFS podcast. Follow her on Instagram or TikTok.
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