We’ve made it through an entire week of MAFS recaps and I’m happy to report I’ve only lost three brain cells in the process.

The MAFS experts jump right in with their next pairing – Olivia and Jackson – who are 10/10 going to be our success story of the season.

MAFS Recap: Bebé Al Gets Rejected By New Wife Sam After Whipping Out Eminem Lyrics In His Vows
District 1, District 1

Olivia is a 28-year-old teaching student who was the primary caretaker of her dad for seven years, before he sadly passed last year. Anyone who has done this, or is grieving, knows how extremely difficult it is to experience this day in, day out. It’s also super hard and scary to experience big life moments without them, so coming on this show was a really brave move from Olivia.

MAFS Recap: Bebé Al Gets Rejected By New Wife Sam After Whipping Out Eminem Lyrics In His Vows
Pictured: great human

Jackson, a 30-year-old plumber who you might remember from the MAFS Bucks party, talks about his experiences of shielding his sisters from arguments between his mum and her partners.

mafs recap 2022
Pictured: great human

“I’m a big brother, I’ll always take on my sisters no matter what. I’ll always stop them from ever being in any harm or ever needing to see any harm,” says Jackson. It’s quite incredible that he is sharing this story, which couldn’t have been easy, but it’s a really important conversation to be having.

They’re both darlings who deserve good things after past trauma, but also because they’re just good people. I’m so glad the MAFS experts aren’t stitching them up with some of the other donkeys on this show.

Speaking of donkeys, the MAFS experts have found a match for bebé Al, who describes himself as “a kid from Bondi that everyone loves”. His 215 qualities include but are not limited to “his face in general” and his “personality, sometimes”.

MAFS Recap: Bebé Al Gets Rejected By New Wife Sam After Whipping Out Eminem Lyrics In His Vows
personality = sometimes good

His insecurities include legs that could be musclier and trying to avoid a tetanus infection from his choice in weights.

MAFS Recap: Bebé Al Gets Rejected By New Wife Sam After Whipping Out Eminem Lyrics In His Vows
we have a WD40 emergency

Al’s been too busy doing doing the Bondi to Bronte to have had a girlfriend before now. He says he wants someone who’s independent and capable and I can’t wait for him to feel intimidated by these exact traits.

mafs recap 2022
ur wish is my command, sucker

Al’s new wife is Sam from the Goldy. She’s a retail manager so someone’s going to need to locate a 10-foot pole for Ballarat Paris Hilton.

MAFS Recap: Bebé Al Gets Rejected By New Wife Sam After Whipping Out Eminem Lyrics In His Vows
i also don’t use cutlery

Sam’s mum is ignoring the binfire her daughter’s about to be a part of, because she’s hopeful of a Jules and Cam 2.0 scenario. Can’t wait for ma’s dreams to be shattered upon meeting her daughter’s new child-husband.

MAFS Recap: Bebé Al Gets Rejected By New Wife Sam After Whipping Out Eminem Lyrics In His Vows
da fuq is Cam, huh?

Sam once read her (now ex) boyfriend’s diary, which is debatable, and it said he was going to propose to her. He cheated on her instead and now she thinks men are trash, but has decided it would be nice to have someone she can have regular sex with.

mafs recap 2022
men are trash but coitus is 5eva

Olivia and Jackson finally meet and they’re quickly planning their futures together by making love with their eyes.

MAFS Recap: Bebé Al Gets Rejected By New Wife Sam After Whipping Out Eminem Lyrics In His Vows
i love u
MAFS Recap: Bebé Al Gets Rejected By New Wife Sam After Whipping Out Eminem Lyrics In His Vows
same tho

It’s so wholesome and I want them to have so many babies. They high-five and ok sure, at least it’s not a fist bump.

mafs recap 2022
ill allow it

Back to Al’s big day. He begs his mother, personal stylist, chef and cleaner (yes, they’re all the same person) to rate him in his wedding attire, and if I had a sister as hot as his, I’d be seeking constant validation too.

mafs recap 2022
a vision

On his way to the ceremony, Al admits he is worried about the lack of children photos he’s offering to his Facebook feed, and is ready to find someone to both impregnate and tag.

MAFS Recap: Bebé Al Gets Rejected By New Wife Sam After Whipping Out Eminem Lyrics In His Vows
*manifests content*

Sam looks phenom and I hope her slug ex is watching this and crying into his diary. Al agrees, describing her as a “doozy”, before asking her WHERE SHE WENT FOR SCHOOLIES.

mafs recap 2022
SinCity, duh

He went to Bali!!! Arak attack!!! Hope mum is ready is clean up this inevitable mess and chlorinate Kuta Beach while she’s at it.

MAFS Recap: Bebé Al Gets Rejected By New Wife Sam After Whipping Out Eminem Lyrics In His Vows
what’s a schoolie??

Fuck me dead, he’s using Eminem‘s ‘Lose Yourself’ lyrics as an intro to his vows and now Sam’s pink flags hath risen. Was he even alive when this song came out?

mafs recap 2022
lololol kill me now

Back at Olivia and Jackson’s wedding, Olivia’s mum questions Jackson about his male dog and finishing an apprenticeship in his 30s, but decides it’s a “goer” after Jackson reads out a stunner of a speech from his own mum.

Also, Olivia and Jackson’s mums names are Mandy and Sandy so if they didn’t work out it would just be rude.

Over at Al and Sam’s path to destruction, Sam’s concerned that Al looks at himself a lot. The “oh god” and “omg help” reactions are literally every girl entertaining a guy that’s hot enough to root but not emotionally mature enough to date.

MAFS Recap: Bebé Al Gets Rejected By New Wife Sam After Whipping Out Eminem Lyrics In His Vows
laughing on the inside

You’ve been there! Admit it!

We graduate to red flags when Sam does clap push-ups during their photoshoot.

mafs recap 2022
i need me rusty weights

“Da boiz will love that,” Sam says and serve him, queen. She refuses to kiss him and I would like to marry her instead, please.

Al’s mum comes in with the biggest cockblock of the season via her wedding speech, listing all the things that he’s not capable of doing.

mafs recap 2022
i hope you wanted a shit sandwich for dinner my sweet

Al makes things worse by doing The Worm on the dance floor.

MAFS Recap: Bebé Al Gets Rejected By New Wife Sam After Whipping Out Eminem Lyrics In His Vows
do less sweetie

Everyone courtesy laughs even though they very clearly hate it, just as much as I hate him for consistently saying “man up”.

Sam tells him there is no depth and it’s surface level (it’s for sure been edited from a longer conversation) and I find it enjoyable that he has more things to worry about than just his chicken legs now.

Jackson and Olivia wake up from their wedding night cuddling and kissing, and she confirms they were INTIMATE.

mafs recap 2022
only counts if u saw a Jackson nipple

Dunno if they had sex – I’m getting “everything but” vibes – but the butterflies are essentially being released from any orifice they can escape from. We love this for them!

MAFS Recap: Bebé Al Gets Rejected By New Wife Sam After Whipping Out Eminem Lyrics In His Vows
surprised those curtains didn’t kill the mood

Al and Sam didn’t consummate but they did bond over crystallised margaritas and this blasphemy:

mafs recap 2022
gladly

Jackson and Olivia are now on their rustic retreat honeymoon where he offers to fix her insecurities with his toolkit. 

MAFS Recap: Bebé Al Gets Rejected By New Wife Sam After Whipping Out Eminem Lyrics In His Vows
i shall call him squishy and he shall be mine

I’d vomit if I didn’t like him so much, and if it doesn’t work out for whatever reason, this king’s DMs are going to overflow.

On Al and Sam’s honeymoon, they stare at each other just long enough for Al to shoot his shot and get rejected (again).

mafs recap 2022
do not pass chin, do not collect $200

They continue to be awkward until the episode finishes.

BUT NEXT EPISODE WE HAVE DINNER PARTIES. Can’t wait for Ballarat Paris to meet people with jobs.

Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these MAFS recaps on IG here or LinkedIn here.

Image: Channel Nine