‘LOVE ISLAND’ RECAP: All Hail Jordan, Queen Of All Women Who Have Ever Been Led On

Ooft, back to back bootings on Love Island Australia! What a vibe. Love this for us, you guys. Tonight we lost Jordan, which honestly I didn’t give a shit about until she completely LORDED it up by giving it to Matt straight for leading her on. Incredible areas.

[jwplayer r9SlIwU8]

But I have jumped ahead – let’s rewind. We come back to the moment where the Bomb Squad chose Matt, and he’s stoked. You know who is even more stoked? Gerard, who gets to share a bed with Jessie now they’re coupled up. He’s back to his kid-at-a-party vibes.

*has out of body experience after consuming 40 milky ways*

Someone gets a text. Matt has to choose one of the Bomb Squad to couple up with by tomorrow night. Isabelle is really upset – she feels she borked it with Matt by friendzoning him. I can’t tell if her tears are over the possibility of lost love, or if she’s just kicking herself bc she has a strong chance of going home now, which means no more Instagram followers.

In the meantime Jordan’s doing her very best impression of acting like she was always super into Matt, and her whole Yoghurt moment was nothing, really.

“lol that wasn’t me with Yoghurt it was… Borban….”

This PHENOMENAL moment happens where Isabelle is being comforted by Matt in a very intimate fashion, while Jordan fucking BRUSHES HER TEETH A METRE AWAY. Dead.


Everyone goes to sleep, Isabelle holding the title for most chaotic bed situation.

that is far too many pillows

In the morning it’s Cassie’s birthday, so Luke brings her a cake in bed. By which I mean the producers make Luke bring her a cake in bed.

By which I mean the producers made a cake, then led Luke to it and explained how to take it to Cassie

For no good reason, Gerard has put on a bikini and Matt is “chatting with intent” to him. I think they were practicing or some shit, who cares.

In a surprising turn of events, Cartier and Adam are semi on the rocks. Cartier’s grumpy at him and Adam can sense it. Cartier tells Anna it’s because Adam’s pulled back from her affection-wise of late, and she feels if she doesn’t kiss him she’d never get kissed.

Anna looks very alarmed.


Adam tells Matt he feels like Cartier’s taken their relationship to a more serious place than he’s ready for. YIKES. Why am I so invested in these two?

Someone gets a text – Cassie and Luke are off for a romantic birthday date. They’re bloody excited until they get to… The Crab Shack.

LOOOOL $8.50 what a TREAT

The woman behind the counter looks thrilled to be here.

fucking stoked to be dealing with these cretins today

Then everyone plays some dumb Tradie-sponsored game, no one cares. Anna takes Matt for a chat about making proper moves on Isabelle and Jordan, and honestly can Anna and Matt just get together? Am I alone in shipping these two??

There’s a bunch of Isabelle/Matt, Jordan/Matt convos that just say the same things.

Then Cartier and Adam talk and he explains how he feels a bit overwhelmed. She takes it pretty maturely – how is this woman only 19??? I would be like WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T LIKE ME, I HATE YOU YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!!! Then I’d run into a corner of the yard, sob loudly, throw all his clothes in the pool and start grinding up on whichever male is closest to me while staring daggers in his direction in the hopes of jealousy.

I’m single, everyone!

Biannca is upset – she feels like all the guys are closed off to getting to know her, which is absolutely true and it WOULD feel fucking shit.


It’s genuinely heartbreaking because can you imagine going into this shitshow, and NO ONE wants you? It would feel so personal even if it 100% is not. The woman went out with someone in an ACTUALLY FAMOUS BOY BAND. She’s clearly cool/a babe.

Then it’s time for Matt to make his decision. The Bomb Squad have to line up like they’re about to find out who will fall through hidden trap doors to their death.

ok we weren’t informed of the fact we’d be fed to lions, but cool

In the end after 4,000 years of waiting, Matt picks Isabelle. Jordan is shocked and Biannca starts crying again. Matt starts crying because Biannca is crying.

I actually love Sobby Matt so much, legit

Jordan goes from shocked to fucking furious – she feels blindsided by Matt and everything he’s said to her. It’s SUCH a vibe, instead of acting all “awww it’s fine” she’s just completely done and ready to yeet herself out of the villa and away from Mr Cohonas.

i am dead inside

Matt, however, is intent on assuaging his guilt and follows her around like a bad smell while she packs.

kindly fuck off

Her faces here are priceless guys, I couldn’t choose just one.

I said goodbye cunt

He’s all “let’s get coffee when I leave” and she comes through with more gold, saying she will never get coffee with him.

I will pour coffee on your dick more like

Anyway! Bye Jordan and Biannca. Tonight we get two new dudes who look beige as fuck, but you can never tell from those weird promos. Here’s hoping they start a trash fire in the villa, amirite?