Can I just say I am LOVING this week of Love Island Australia. We needed some spice up in this bitch and spice is what we got with the “Bomb Squad”.

So we come back to Matt still crying, while “Adzy” and Eoghan, who I have been calling “Ian” for a very long time unfortunately, tell him it’s fine, Vanessa was a moll, sorry you’re sad bruz but you’ll get over it. All true (except Vanessa being a moll like can someone tell me why we all hate her?? I cannot for the life of me recall what she did).

There’s a lot of Matt lying around hugging pillows.

when will my wife return from war

Then it’s time for the twins to plant seeds of doubt into Eoghan’s brain. I never realised how much his name looks like “yoghurt” and since I’ve already fucked up my pronunciation attempts I’m just calling him Irish Yoghurt from now on.

So Irish Yoghurt is now like “wait, is Jessie a sure bet?” because Jessie has dared to like, chat to other dudes and isn’t chucking a Cartier “I’ll love and support you even if you stab this entire house to death in their sleep”. I know WE have seen Jessie tell the cameras she’s keen on Gerard/Luke etc but she hasn’t exactly been like dogging Yoghurt to go heavily flirt with other people, don’t you feel?

I’m starting to think these twins are playing a VERY spicy, smart game of breaking up the strong couples while building their own new power couples. It’s some fucked twin Oonagi that I am 100% here for. What’s even the point of this show if not for horrible backstabbing and manipulation? Right?

Irish Yoghurt, in true Big Dog form, flexes by saying he shot down LOADS of other options to stay with Jessie. It’s true but I also hate him.

stupid large dairy man

He then goes to Cartier to ask her opinion, and she’s like “wtf no I have not seen evidence of Jessie not being serious about you” – YOGHURT! CAN YOU FUCKING PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER HERE! It’s bloody clear the twins are playing a long game and if you used your 5 brain cells together at once, you’d see this is exactlyyyy what just went down with Matt/Vanessa.


We’re then treated to a truly batshit moment from Cynthia, who goes to the rooftop at midnight to make some sort of declaration-to-the-universe about her future husband.

sorry but when did this become an Oscar-winning film set

In the morning, Matt’s still missing Vanessa and moping around while Adzy is like “dude shut the fuck up Vanessa was toxic”.

*cries in attention seeking*

The cracks are properly appearing in the Jessie/Yoghurt situation now, with Jessie expressing that the reason she’s unsure about their relationship is because Yoghurt refuses flat-out to move to Tassie in the future, while she’s open to the idea of moving to the Goldie.

Look, she has a point – Yoghurt’s not meeting her in the middle and prioritising himself above her needs. But also, love you Tassie but you’re not exactly opportunity central for a “model/influencer” which is HUNDO what Yoghurt’s worried about. He’s a real estate agent – as if he can’t build a business in TAS.

“stop trying to make influencer Yoghurt happen, it’s not going to happen”

Jessie, in super mature areas (not) immediately barrels over to Gerard to be like I’M KEEPING MY OPTIONS OPEN *WIGGLES EYEBROWS AGGRESSIVELY*

Gerard is very excited about this. Excitement levels are at 5-year-old-with-two-party-bags-after-birthday.

Love Island

Sophie sends a text – she wants all the girls to come for a special lunch with her. Strangely the girls do not sense the ominous doom of this text and are fucking excited. Sophie is not – the producers pulled her out of her 10-star mansion for this shit, and interacting with these plebs on the reg was not part of the OG contract.

Love Island
“hope this smile looks real enough on camera”

Everyone is forced to drink sparkling red, the worst possible beverage on a hot day.


I think someone over-ordered fizzy read bc it was 10 for $10.

Then the best thing happens – a Jeep filled with hot women careens past the OGs. It’s the “Bombshells” or whatever they’re bloody calling them, and the OG ladies are completely fucking distraught about the situation. Anna CRIES for fuck’s sake.

Love Island
RIP my 2 day relationship.

The boys lose their collective shit, except for Adam and Josh who won’t even sit in the girl’s vicinity.

staying away from that vagina sand mates

All the boys have to speed date the new women, which Yoghurt is loving sick since he’s done with Jessie now.

Love Island
Tell me more about what a ruggedly handsome dairy product I am

Meanwhile the OG gals are stuck in the Hideaway, I think they’re actually going to make the five of them share one queen bed, which will be the true chaos of this show. BAM! The producers shove a new Year-10-journalism designed newspaper under the door featuring photos of all the dudes flirting.

Everyone is devo, stressed etc. But the guys just party on with the new ladies. Matt, in very normal areas, sits like he’s doing a shit while talking to Jordan.

Love Island
“got any loo roll”

Yoghurt is VERY into Isabelle, apparently the most into a woman he’s been since entering the Villa. She just smugly sips her Newcastle Pour of wine.

I know I’m hot but what are u

Cannot WAIT for tonight’s Love Island and this whole battle-for-Isabelle bullshit.

Image: Love Island