Stale Take: Lilly Moscovitz In The Princess Diaries Was The Absolute Fucking Worst

princess diaries lilly moscovitz mia thermopolis in school uniform sitting down with red cross over lilly's face

The Princess Diaries is almost a perfect film. The acting? Sublime. The makeover scene which showed an actual makeover, rather than someone simply taking off their ugly glasses? Perfect. The subtle exploration of Queen Clarisse (Julie Andrews) and Joe’s (Héctor Elizondo) secret, undying love for one another? It made my heart sing. But the one thing that ruins The Princess Diaries is Mia Thermopolis’ (Anne Hathaway) best friend Lilly Moscovitz (Heather Matarazzo), who is the absolute goddamn WORST.

I genuinely don’t even know where to start because everything she did sucked. For ease and efficiency, I’m going to break her despicable behaviour down into three separate traits: selfishness, rudeness and callousness.

Lilly Moscovitz was selfish AF

We love to see someone with a social conscious campaigning for change. We really do. But when it came to her cable show and petitions, Lilly only thought of herself.

For example, there was the time Mia told Lilly she was meeting her long-lost grandmother for the first time in yonks and couldn’t help with her spotted owl petition.

Literally any normal person would accept this as a valid excuse, but Lilly was not a normal person. The girl kept banging on about how she needed Mia to help her get signatures for birds. The birds will still be there in a few days’ time, babe. Not everything has to happen on your watch.

And who can forget when Mia had agreed to go on Lilly’s cable show, Shut Up And Listen, and also attend her brother Michael’s (Robert Schwartzman) gig, but cancelled on them both ‘cos mean hottie Josh Bryant (Erik von Detten) invited her to the Baker Beach Bash. Side note: Lilly asked Mia to go on her cable show AFTER finding out she was a princess, which she wanted to exploit for the sake of television.

Ok, cancelling on plans for a party is objectively a bit of a dog move. But in the context of the movie, Mia had been crushing on Josh since day dot, and she was also doing Lilly a favour by going on her show that literally had a fanbase of 12 people. No one was on the edge of their seats waiting for Mia to flap her lip on Shut Up And Listen. Also, it was a weekly show — Mia could’ve just made a cameo another night!

All I’m saying is there was room to be a bit bummed that your mate wasn’t going to appear on your show anymore, while also being supportive of the fact her crush had finally asked her out. It was mildly unsurprising that Josh ended up being horrible (something Lilly kind of predicted) but hey, we’re not analysing his shitty behaviour here.

I have never seen a ruder person than Lilly Moscovitz

Lilly was a crap friend. At the start of the movie when Mia was telling her she’d been sat on (again) Lilly literally said: “Oh, really?”

WTF is that, babe? Your supposed BFFL, a literal human being, was SAT ON because she’s apparently so “invisible”.

Then when Mia continued to talk about how upset she was, Lilly chimed in to say Josh and Lana Thomas (Mandy Moore) were pashing. Literally the only acceptable interruption would’ve been to inform Mia there was a wild tiger running around campus. Noticing two popular classmates making out does NOT warrant interrupting your mate who’s feeling sad.

Also, did she ever help or comfort Mia, who was so terrified of public speaking she’d spew? No. I didn’t think so. If she did it must have been in the director’s cut ‘cos I don’t recall Lilly spilling any words of encouragement throughout the entire flick.

Take for example how she treated Mia post-makeover. Lilly was genuinely pissed at her friend for having her hair straightened and eyebrows plucked. Who can forget when Mia, with her gorgeous silky hair and angelic face, opened the limo door and Lilly asked her, “Who destroyed you?”

Literally no compliments were flung Mia’s way. Instead, she had to listen to Lilly call her an “A-crowd wannabe” and bitch about her new “Lana ‘do”

She also made Mia cry by continuously ragging on her new school bag. This is not friendly banter! Stop shitting on your bestie and bullying her for no goddamn reason whatsoever!

While The Princess Diaries explored Lilly and Mia’s relationship quite deeply, we also can’t ignore the fact Lilly was rude as fuck to her brother (and my husband) Michael with the whole “don’t think you can always get a ride with us” situation. My sister in Christ, it’s not YOUR LIMO.

Jeremiah Hart (Patrick Flueger) was also a common target for Lilly’s bitchy advances. She always made fun of his magic, even on air when he appeared on her cable show that literally no one cared about.

Lilly Moscovitz has no heart

I watched The Princess Diaries when I had COVID-19 earlier this year and I genuinely cried when Mia tried speaking to Lilly about her Dad’s death, only to be told: “I thought you were getting over that. It’s been two months.”

Two. Months. There’s no rulebook for grieving, Lilly! Mia can be sad for as long as she goddamn wants because her Dad has, you know, died.

I will simply never be able to comprehend the sheer nerve of criticising how your mate is grieving a parent they’ve lost. I don’t care that Lilly is a fictional character and none of this is real — it was still a bloody cruel thing for her to say.

If The Princess Diaries 3 does happen, I’m praying Lilly Moscovitz gets an attitude adjustment.