The Melbourne rumour mill has churned out a nugget of gossip that is so deeply specific, it has singlehandedly made me reevaluate my existence on Earth. Word on the street has it that anti-Semitic dickhead Kanye West was spotted dining at Brunswick institution A1 Bakery.

It would appear that the scuttlebutt has gone rogue. I know everyone says shit like, “Well, THIS wasn’t on my bingo card for 2023!” but my bingo card for this year had simply nothing to do with this news. It’s like if you told me that Elon Musk had patented technology to bring my old cat back to life (RIP Jonty baby, mummy misses you). There’s just no reason for it to be on my radar, you know?

But alas, I digress. Let us unpack this bonkers rumour which has the inner north in a tizzy.

The speculation seems to have started in the comments section of a TikTok posted by Amber Montgomery, which was a recording of a Sunrise segment about the noted Adolf Hitler supporter’s rumoured visit Down Under.

ICYMI, The Herald Sun reported on Sunday that Kanye West is believed to be heading to Melbourne next week to meet his new wife Bianca Censori‘s family, who is based in Ivanhoe.

But some folks commented on Montgomery’s TikTok advising they’d seen him in Melbourne — specifically at A1 Bakery.

“I literally just saw him at A1 Bakery,” one person commented.

“His [sic] at A1 Bakery Brunswick getting manoush,” said another.

“HELP APPARENTLY HE WAS AT A MANOUSH SHOP,” a third said.

@ambermontgomery2 Ye what? #ye #kanyewest #downunder ♬ original sound – 🌞A M B E R🌞

If you look at the other comments on the TikTok, however, you’ll see that people are going hog wild with alleged Kanye West sightings. Mans has reportedly been spotted more times than the Loch Ness Monster.

“He was at the Fitzroy garage party,” one person said.

“Just saw him ordering at the drive thru of Red Rooster,” commented another.

“Saw him at Aldi in the middle isle [sic],” said a third.

The timestamps on the comments about Kanye West apparently being seen at A1 Bakery were left two to three hours before the other piss take comments, so folks are obviously just joining in on the leg-pulling in a bid to provide us with humble ha-has and tee-hees.

Others folks on TikTok and Twitter are also talking about the rumour.

@deanna_cee Kanye west was spotted at A1 Bakery in Melbourne #kanyewest #lebanesefood #kanyetok ♬ Monkeys Spinning Monkeys – Kevin MacLeod & Kevin The Monkey

Taking the reported sighting offline, a mate told me that her friend’s relative claims they saw Kanye West at A1 Bakery. Now, I do not wish to discredit or pooh-pooh what this person saw — but I have not heard any other anecdotal evidence that he was indeed there tucking into a cheese pie. I need at least ONE other person who lives in the inner north to tell me they saw West at the delightful Lebanese bakery.

For full transparency, I do not live in Melbourne. However, I have many mates who live in Brunswick and they’ve all said they haven’t heard about any alleged Kanye West sightings (until now, obviously) from their friends, who also live in the suburb and frequent A1 Bakery often.

There also appears to be no photographic evidence of the reported spot. If someone did see West, who is extremely recognisable, do we not think that at least one person would’ve posted a sneaky photo by now? Because that is what I think.

The whole thing reminds me of when Perth started going into snap lockdowns in 2021 because, like, three people tested positive to COVID-19, and every man and his dog started sharing “information” from “insiders”.

Group chats across the city were awash with claims from your brother’s girlfriend’s mum’s cousin who worked in the emergency department at Royal Perth Hospital about how doctors were treating 20 COVID-positive patients. Or #tea from your dad’s colleague’s step-daughter who worked for Premier Mark McGowan and had it on good authority that he was going to call a two-month long lockdown.

My point is, none of the tittle-tattle eventuated and everyone was just flapping their lip at the rumour mill to add shit to the stew. I will most definitely be prepared to eat my hat, but this Kanye West at A1 Bakery scenario is quite literally exactly the same.

The kind people at the bakery, the angels at the centre of this story, have addressed the speculation by sharing a photo of West’s head fanged onto the body of a staff member to social media, alongside a screenshot of Montgomery’s comment section which contained alleged sightings.

PEDESTRIAN.TV has reached out to A1 Bakery for comment.

Image: TikTok / @deeceeats & @ambermontgomery2 & Getty Images / Edward Berthelot