Judging Love Island UK Contestants Entirely On Their Promo Pics

Love Island UK Season Ten contestants

I have long said that if I could go on any reality TV show, it would be Love Island UK. There is nothing on this Earth that makes my loins quiver more than lounging by the pool, talking shit and bitching about men. I will kick off if the situation requires it. The thought of preparing scrambled eggs for my crush du jour in a kitchen decorated with neon signs that read “TASTY” and “EAT, SLEEP, CRACK ON, REPEAT” titillates me. Given the chance, I would thrive in that villa in Mallorca.

I will never have this opportunity, however, because my parents would disown me the minute I filled out an application form detailing my type on paper. Thus I have no other option but to live vicariously through existing Love Island UK contestants by psychoanalysing them entirely on their promotional pictures. And thank God there’s a new season dropping in two shakes of a lamb’s tail so I can start getting judgemental.

André Furtado

André Furtado looks like the guy at the club who is really hell-bent on getting you to dance. “C’mon! Why aren’t you dancing?” he yells at you while a criminally filthy remix of “Gimme Gimme Gimme” by ABBA blares. “It’s infectious! It’s electrifying!” He’s pointing at you now. You either get up and dance or go to the bar and order another vodka, lime and soda — a move which would undoubtedly rock André’s confidence for 0.3 seconds because he has the moxie to just crack on with another “peng ting”. Absolutely brimming with chutzpah he is.

Catherine Agbaje

Catherine Agbaje doesn’t know it but she has singlehandedly brought back the severe self-esteem issues I struggled with as a teenager. It’s absolutely through no fault of her own — she’s just dummy hot. She can do the advanced moves in reformer pilates that the instructor encourages “only if you’re feeling up to it”, while you’re signalling for someone to bring you your asthma puffer. She comes home from work and makes a three-course meal just because she has the energy, and you eat scraps like a Victorian street urchin. It’s OK. This is a safe space.

Ella Thomas

I see Ella Thomas effortlessly bouncing around Bec + Bridge as I walk past the window, hair flouncy and makeup perfect, but my self-esteem is still in tatters after that reformer pilates class with Catherine so I keep walking to preserve my mental health.

George Fensom

If the cow from Barnyard gained sentience and turned into a human man, that person would be George Fensom. He is a happy-go-lucky, friendly bovine fella whose only crimes are overusing the crying laughing emoji and answering his Hinge prompts too earnestly. You know the ones like “my therapist would say I” and “my last journal entry was about”, topics which objectively are only permissible by date six? Well, Georgie boy over here would be unpacking his childhood trauma (not getting picked in duck, duck, goose and getting pushed off the monkey bars by a kid who looks like Dudley Dursley).

Jess Harding

Jess Harding is the most Love Island UK girl to ever Love Island UK. Her list of icks is as big as the sun and if you took a shot every time she said “he’s 100 per cent my type on paper” or “I’m not here to make friends” you would die of alcohol poisoning.

Mehdi Edno

Mehdi Edno is from France, thus it’s only natural to assume he’ll go off like milk in the villa ‘cos he can woo girls by merely speaking French. Sadly for Mehdi he has the kind, gentle demeanour of a man who will only gather around the fire pit once, maybe twice, before he is sent home following a brutal recoupling. Bon voyage.

Mitchel Taylor

I already know for a fact that Mitchel Taylor will be the root rat of Love Island UK Season Ten. I am so sure about this because he looks like Season Eight islander Luca Bish — a man who I can’t share my true opinions about lest they be considered libel. Be gone, Mitchel! Back to the General Pants Co. fitting room you go.

Molly Marsh

Molly Marsh is a musical theatre performer and social media creator. Based on her resumé, I’m going to go out on a limb and say she was really gung-ho about scoring the lead in her high school’s production of Wicked. I’m talking pouring oil on the stage so her classmate Lucy Smith ate shit mid-audition and switching the CD so “212” by Azealia Banks played instead of the backing track for “Defying Gravity”. No amount of cheeky sabotage is enough for Molly “Rachel Berry” Marsh. She’ll do anything to stick it to Lucy.

Ruchee Gurung

Ruchee Gurung is the icon in your group assignment who wrangles the troops and keeps you all on track. She never complains and always has a beaming smile on her face. “I’m more than happy to!” she says in a chirpy tone when you thank her for forcing the group’s resident flops to pull their weight. “I’ve got two younger brothers so this is nothing!”

But just wait until it’s time to submit anonymous feedback about your group once the assignment has been handed in. Consider some assholes ripped.

Tyrique Hyde

“Hey! Where’s my hug?!” — Tyrique Hyde, probably.

You can start streaming Love Island UK Season Ten via 9Now on Wednesday, with new episodes dropping daily.

Image credit: ITV