Pls Savour All The Ways I Will Prepare & Eat The World’s Nepo Babies When The Revolution Comes

nepo babies eat the rich
Contributor: Alice Tovey

Make sure you whack on a capitalism dinger next time you’re looking for a biased root, otherwise you could accidentally birth another nepo baby into the world.

According to Vulture, the term “nepo baby” first came into existence in February this year. Since then it has created more noise online than an Elon Musk Twitter poll.

Short for nepotism babies (and not Neapolitan ice-cream baby like I first thought), the term refers to famous people who have seemingly been given a leg up in their chosen industry thanks to the wealth and connections of their parents. Disgusting. Nepo babies are just flying out the womb demanding a three picture deal and a chance to date Pete Davidson. 

By now you’ve probably seen the cover of New York Magazine spilling the lukewarm tea on nepo babies. The cover, which I can only describe as “Basement Jaxx chique”, touts to “overanalyse” the nepo baby boom.

How could we let talented rich people get away with this? (Answer, because they always have lol).

I know that many think pieces have been written on the efficacy of nepo babies and whether their talent trumps their status. But in my opinion, not enough articles have been written on why we should eat the rich for our din dins.

So here is a list of some choice nepo babies and how/where I will eat them when the revolution comes. Tie up your bibs comrades and let’s get ready for the latest edition of Simply Socialist Nigella

Ben Platt

If you’re a musical theatre bisexual like I am, you’ll know that Ben Platt is the poster child for miscast actors. Ben Platt played Dear in ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ and he is going to play dinner when I enjoy him watching The Faulty Towers Dining Experience. Take that, good taste. 

A triple threat deserves a three-course meal. His father Marc Platt is the producer behind Legally Blonde (hero) and Legally Blondes (gulag). So his son shall be savoured after he’s made into early 2000s culinary delights such as sliders, cake pops and brown butter pasta.

Jack Quaid

People often focus on Jack Quaid‘s famous father, from where he gets the “Quaid” part of his name. I however am more interested in the parent who gave him his blondely charm and sweet angel face: Meg Ryan

Jack is the star of The Boys, which I love. And I’m gonna love barbecuing this boy for luncheon. He’ll be served on a fresh, crispy bread roll. That’s right, we’re going New York sandwich style baby!

As a tribute to his mother’s iconic performance in When Harry Met Sally, he’ll taste so good all the girlies will be saying “I’ll have what she’s having.” 

Timothée Chalamet

According to a more senior member of my family, Timothée Chalamet looks like a famished Victorian orphan plotting a cheeky scheme. I think he looks like a boy who would have absolutely broken my heart at a school formal. Regardless, his mother Nicole Flender has got him on my list via her acting/Broadway dancing past. 

His dual citizenship warrants an American-French fusion dish. Think a Chalamet hotdog in one hand and a glass of fine champagne in the other.

I will eat it while watching Call Me By Your Name, which I haven’t yet seen and have been reluctant to watch since the whole [redacted] scandal. Rest in my tummy, peachy boy.

But Alice, is he the worst of the nepo babies? Does having a mother who works in dance really give you a leg up? I don’t care. All I know is that people who are younger than me shouldn’t be allowed to be successful so it’s time for Lil Timmy to get in my belly. 

Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal

Two for the price of one in every sense. Both parents of both parties are famed Hollywood elite. I’m not here to talk about that Taylor Swift song (I haven’t heard it, I just know it exists. Please do not come for me Swifites, I will cry).

What I am here to talk about is the perfect dual meal. Oh yeah, today I’m making Mackenhaall n Cheese. Mac n Cheese is my ultimate comfort meal and with the cost of living rising I need all the comfort I can get. Just remember to salt your water so that Jake doesn’t stick to the bottom of your pan.

I will take this dish to a potluck party, preferably with some friends who have high walls to keep the Swifites at bay. I am forever frightened of their power. 

Brooklyn Beckham

A celebrity chef in our ranks. What an honour. Brooklyn Beckham is a man who I can only describe as “didn’t know he existed until a few weeks ago.” But that doesn’t change that this is a complex dish.

On one hand, his father accepted millions to represent the World Cup, ignoring the atrocities committed against the lives of migrant workers and queer people. But on the other hand, his mother is a Spice Girl. 

So taking all of that into consideration… Presenting The Spiced Boy: Brooklyn seasoned with black pepper, salt, smoked paprika and a medley of chilli oils. This is a dish served best while watching football and calling it soccer just to annoy his overpaid father. 

Ada Lovelace

Oh, you thought just because she died in 1852 that she was safe? No, this is journalism dammit! 

Ada Lovelace was the original woman in STEM, with her mathematical programming of the Analytical Engine paving the way for modern computing.

But did you know that her parents were Lord and Lady Byron? That’s right, that Lord Byron. From year 11 English class. Behind this smart and capable woman was Daddy Poetry. So, I will consume her centuries-old jerky bod reading poetry on my computer; the best of all of her worlds.

Drew Barrymore

This is my saddest meal. I love this woman. I love her positivity and the light that she has bought to the world. But rules are rules, and every wealthy person must become food in the revolution.

The Barrymores are a performing arts dynasty who have ruled with an entertaining fist for generations. I would eat Drew Barrymore with the utmost respect.

You know how mums always say that they have a set of fine china “in case the Queen comes to dinner?” (RIP The Queen: the ultimate nepo baby). Well, this is going to be a meal fit for (and of) my Queen. No expense will be spared as we split lobster and caviar with a side of Drew. Over the meal, we will discuss our favourite moments from her talk show and weep for our loss. I’ll be slamming back Barry-more Brews in her honour. 

Thank you all for reading this edition of Socialist Nigella. Hopefully, these recipes bring joy and financial stability to your family. Please feel free to send me your own recipe suggestions. And please stop sharing opinion pieces about nepo babies. I’m full, thanks.

Alice Tovey is a comedian, writer, director, cabaret artist and general creative nightmare person. She’s a horror movie director who you can catch live at places like the Melbourne International Comedy Festival and writing for shows like Gruen and Question Everything on the ABC. Alice lives in Melbourne with her partner and fat cat.