False idols The Kardashians – a family renowned for making Good Life Choices – have wrought untold joy, havoc and themselves on the world on this, the 337th day of the 2013th Year Anno Domini, bringing forth much Yuletide cheer and sexy tidings after unleashing their annual Christmas card which, for the purposes of overwrought headline puns, will forevermore be referred to as The Kardashian Krismas Kardashian.
For their incredible annual nativity reenactment, the ragtag family put aside their ongoing disputes over who is the hottest betch in Calabasas, donned their finest weaves and Phillip Treacy headpieces for a high-fashion editorial shot by fabulous trash auteur David LaChapelle. Let’s take a scenic tour of the set, and with it, the meaning of Christmas MMXIII.
To the left, to the left, noted Beyoncé wannabe Kimberly Kardashian, stands triumphant over a vanquished enemy [good taste? The Haters?]. She’s joined in frame by a regular dollar bill, from the base of which pours forth one thousand tabloids emblazoned with her unholy image.
In the centre, two fledging kinderwhores Kylie and Kendall Jenner pose in a fashion manner under the watchful watermark of Kim’s faded former image, in whose celebrity shadow they’ll forever be cast. A mural of a nursing mother is seen stage right, signifying both strong matrilineal endorsement contracts and also boobs, the family bread and butter. An Illuminati pyramid and an all-seeing eye take pride of place for obvious reasons.
In the final tableau vivant, presiding madame Kris Jenner perches victoriously above the mess she made but refuses to clean up, because that’s what The Help is for; her ex-husband Bruce Jenner appears to have had his body cryogenically frozen in a glass case of emotion to match his face. Khloe and Kourtney nurse their respective children Mason and Penelope, who appear to have been thrown haphazardly and at random into the set from the stabilising influence of a normal life.
Kim’s messianic daughter North and her affianced Kanye West, family dicks Rob Kardashian, Scott Disick, Lamar Odom, a sense of self-awareness and fiscal responsibility are all entirely absent from the scene.
via The Book of E!
Photo by David LaChapelle