Fox Shoots Down Ridiculous Rumours Of Bear Rape In ‘The Revenant’

Sometimes we come across stories that are so fucked up, they actually require unpacking to fully understand. Hierarchies of stupidity must be established, and the layers of idiocy need to be gently tousled apart.

Let us begin.

1. Leonardo DiCaprio’s latest film The Revenant follows his exiled, roughed-up character on a treacherous slog through the North American wilderness back to humanity. 
   Fucked Up Rating: 1 out of 5. Come on – that’s par for the course for any prestige actor, and Jack err, Leo is no stranger to the cold. 
2. Despite claims The Revenant is already a dead-cert for a slew of Oscar gongs, Leo himself has a 0/5 record for Academy Award wins. 
   Rating: 2.5 out of 5. The Departed? The Aviator? What’s Eating Gilbert bloody Grape, and nothing? 

3. The Drudge Report claims that on his trek, Leo’s character gets raped by a bear.
   Rating: 5 out of 5. Bears don’t rape people. If they did, Leo wouldn’t be in a film where it’d happen, and critics wouldn’t be hailing rampant zoophilia as obvious Oscar-bait. We shouldn’t need to point that out.

4. People – actual, living humans – actually humoured the idea the rumour was truth. 

   The rating scale is incapable of registering how messed up that is. 

Upon learning Leo may have had to film some deliriously uncomfortable scenes, the internet proceeded to set itself on fire. 

Of course, in reality, reviews of the film have been rigorously embargoed, and anybody who’s seen it has been pretty tight-lipped outside of praising the film as a career benchmark for DiCaprio and director Alejandro González Iñárritu. Read: There’s nothing resembling the rumours in there. At all.

Like a tired, jaded parent separating its bickering offspring, 20th Century Fox had to release an actual disclaimer about the incident. 

“As anyone who has seen the movie can attest, the bear in the film is a female who attacks [Leo’s character] because she feels he might be threatening her cubs,” a spokesperson said. 

“There is clearly no rape scene with a bear.”

So there you go. The film’s up for a Christmas release, and if Leo doesn’t get an Oscar after all that…