Greetings to everyone on God’s green Earth except Elon Musk‘s dad. Why? Because he claims a company wants to use his cursed cummies to create a brand spankin’ new generation of Elons.

It was only a few days ago we learned Errol Musk had a secret child with his stepdaughter and if I’m being honest, that was enough information about the bloke’s reproductive capabilities to last me a lifetime.

But no, apparently the spotlight on this man’s sperm has not simmered down because he’s gone and told The Sun that his nut is in high demand in South America.

“I’ve got a company in Colombia who want me to donate sperm to impregnate high-class Colombian women because they say, ‘Why go to Elon when they can go to the actual person who created Elon?’,” he said.

Firstly: “impregnate high-class Colombian women”. I don’t want to know what that means yet I won’t rest until I find out. It’s like having a sudden urge to research the Northern Irish Troubles at 1:04am and get to the bottom of a messy ethno-nationalist conflict that ended 24 years ago. I have questions that need answers.

Secondly: who is asking for an encore when the first rendition was a colossal flop?

Thirdly: the man is 76-years-old for fuck’s sake. Please just play bingo and whip your golf clubs out like any other codger your age.

Errol told The Sun he wouldn’t be paid for his revolting seed but there would be some other perks if he took the job.

“They haven’t offered me any money but they have offered me first-class travel and five-star hotel accomodation and all that sort of stuff,” he said.

Sorry — did he not once own a literal emerald mine? Are you telling me the father of the richest person in history has to wank into a cup in order to stay at a ritzy hotel and sit at the pointy end of a plane? Because that’s what it sounds like.

According to Rolling Stone, Errol’s incessant desire to breed comes from the fact he believes “the only thing we are on Earth for is to reproduce.”

There are also other nice parts of life, such as sipping a soy flat white while sitting on a grassy hill as a gentle breeze blows by. Adopting a kitten. Reading a good book.

Actually, no. He’s right. The only way we can find meaning in life is by fucking and sucking each other’s brains out and bringing more babies into the world.

Source: Getty Images / Cyrus McCrimmon