‘BIG BROTHER’ RECAP: This Show Is Pretty Much Just A Televised Schoolyard Fight At This Point

The episode kicks off with Dan being swooped by a menacing magpie which, by the way, is an incredibly bad omen and as I’m v. superstitious, I’m convinced that this means he’s absolutely not winning this thing.

Mark my words. The birds know all.

Speaking of menacing birds, love birds Chad and Sophie celebrate their one month anniversary like they’re pimply 14-year-olds who just started dating.

That being said, let’s bear in mind they’ve spent every single waking hour with each other for god knows how long, so their relationship has obvs been escalated (almost like an iso relationship, really).

stole this from dad’s liquor cabinet, lol

The ep’s pretty much just begun and Big Brother has already treated the Housemates to a bunch of special shit, from Chad and Sophie’s romantic boozy brunch to the burgers and fries to the ice-creams.

Ya boi’s really getting soft, isn’t he? (And so are the Housemates, I’m sure).

Now that there’s less people in the House, the game is cattier than ever. It’s very high school. All the whispering and gossiping and bitching and, of course, the aforementioned one month anniversary.

I will say this, though. It certainly makes for some great TV.

Marissa plays the ‘I’m the eldest and most mature one here, therefore I know the game the best’ card but frankly, she’s got the maturity of a prepubescent teenage girl and she isn’t as good at playing the game as she thinks she is. She’s only still in the House for the same reason Kieran’s still they’re: they both have no hope of being in the bottom 2 and so they’re not an immediate threat.

these whipper snappers are as good as gone

Casey, who’s been on the warpath since her buddy Xavier was booted last night, wins the challenge and puts Marissa and Kieran on the eviction couch.

Marissa then confronts Casey and the two go at it and, I repeat, it’s very, very high school.

At this point pretty much everyone is off Marissa and it’s, as Kieran put it, “going to be a five to zero vote.”

TBH if I were Marissa, I’d want to get booted out tonight ‘cos who would wanna live in a House where literally everyone’s against you now?

Indeed, Marissa ends up getting the boot and, bless her, she gives the kids cooking tips on her way out.

Vale, Marissa. Ya played an alright game, I ‘spose.