‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Charlie Has One Last Chance To Act Unhinged, Takes It

Welcome to Hometowns, Bachie gang, are you pumped to see if Todd‘s family are as good-looking as he is? Can you wait to find out what Charlie‘s fkn big problem with Ali is? What about Bill‘s weirdo ex-girlfriend situation? Let’s find out!

We open to a very casual ad for Nutribullet – that smoothie looks deeply unappealing, and may or may not be a metaphor for this whole garbage fire of a show.

Poor Ali had to go to Perth, where Todd lives by a stream. Ali is worried that Todd is too young for her.

He’s Prince Charming in Shrek 2.

For some reason she jumps into his arms, which seems unnecessary considering they have been on only one date. He says he has never taken a girl to Lesmurdie Falls, his special place, before, which is either a lie or a sick burn on his former long-term partner.

The best thing about Hometowns is how excited the boys always are to just be home. Out of the mansion, hanging out with their families. It’s like when people are wrongfully imprisoned for a while and then let out.

For some reason he has decided to share his special place with her, and imagine how he’s going to feel when he gets dumped. He’ll be back here all the time because he loves it just thinking about this girl he pashed at the bottom of the waterfall.

I googled it and it is an offence to be drinking those beers in public, guys!!! A max fine of $2K! What are you thinking you rulebreakers?

Forbidden beers!

Anyway, so Todd’s bringing his sisters and parents to meet Ali. He admits that them not liking her is a dealbreaker.

I like to think that during Hometowns Ali gets to stay with the Bachelorette contenders in their seedy sharehouses/weird bachelor flats. There is nothing more revealing about a person than the contents of their bedrooms.

Todd’s sister, Kerryn, doesn’t want her brother being heartbroken, speaks about picking up the pieces – it’s okay, I doubt he’ll be in pieces about this woman he barely knows. He probably just misses his cool mansion friends.

Appreciating how they just let themselves in, right into the kitchen, time to meet the fam! Hugs all around!

Sister immediately is ready to take this whole thing down – Ali is too old for her little bro! She wants to know about Todd’s three-year plan, which is something normal people do not have. He wants to become a cop, but we wont hold that against him.

Kerryn wants to know if Ali’s using these blokes to further her career rather than to find love. I have no idea how I would answer like any of these questions. It is so intense and awkward to watch. She’s too vulnerable and I feel horrible for her. Like no one else meets the fam and is grilled like that.

Nope, I do not like her. 

Also can we just have a second for all this BS about these dudes need to be able to support a family! You know Ali has a job and income herself right? Like, they’ll be fine. I respect that she wont compromise on the kids stuff because of her ‘biological clock’. I appreciate that she is saying specific things about how she’s into Todd. It’s lovely. WINNER’S MUSIC. Kerryn has been won over by Ali.

Here’s Todd’s last words: “You make me happy. You’re all that I think about. You make me feel like I’m in my own fairytale… I’m falling for you, Ali. My heart is yours if you want it.” PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH.

*audible kissing*

Time for Ali to meet Taite in Ballarat. He gets the jump up too. I have never in my life seen two people more happy to be feeding ducks. The ducks are the boys, the bread is Ali’s roses. Plenty of kisses. Private pizza date is cute. He’s introducing Ali to his parents and sister, and his best friend. I am so ready to be like one of these older sisters one day.

Only here for the duck content tbh. 

They’re going straight from pizza to meet the fam – still time for a change of clothes – and it’s like Xmas Day where you eat a big lunch and then at dinner another set of relos give you more food. Most of what we have here is as I said, Taite just fkn lovin’ seeing his mum.

Anyway Taite should be the frontrunner, he’s the only one who’s had two single dates. Best mate wants to know why she’s going for love on TV  – and couldn’t the same q be asked of Taite? Like her chances of finding love are much higher than Taite’s.

I don’t trust you.

There is so little food on Ali’s plate. Taite’s sister hates her already. Ali just loves the idea of love and that’s why she keeps getting wrapped up with garbage men. Skye, the sister, calls their situation “sterile” and Taite is just there at the dinner table looking literally anywhere else but at the two of them. They seem approving of her once she says nice things about Taite. They approve, everything’s fine. God how good would this be if it was like a meet each other’s fams situation! But with like the final two. Nice and tense!

This doesn’t need a caption.

Taite gets his last opportunity to say nice things/smooch. What he says instead is that he hopes this is “real” which to the viewer reads as, ‘I hope I have not tricked myself into feeling for you when in two weeks time I will not give a shit.’ Ali takes it as that he hopes his feelings are reciprocated, which obviously they are, because she gets the horn from looking at him. He refuses to outwardly say what he means. She has to pry it from him and it’s uncomfortable. I don’t know if I trust a dude you need to be constantly asking affection from, or the dude who gives too much of it insincerely. Surely there’s a balance somewhere.

Some weird nuzzling on the way out and she’s gone.

Is this cute?

Now she’s down in Melbourne, approaching him from the other direction and pops out and scares him and it’s very wholesome and sweet. I love her jacket. Someone buy me that jacket.

Yeah! Get ‘im! 

He’s got a smoothie in a bottle and nothing for Ali. They get to hang out with Bill’s dog, Arnie, which is the best date so far. The dog just appeared out of nowhere in the park which seems unsafe. Who is the creepy person on the other side of the park who just let him out? Anyway Arnie is precious and this is now just an Arnie appreciation post.

He does a big jump!

Dogs are like kids, says Bill, so this is a real fun day. Fro some reason he ties Arnie up away from the pair of them which is not charming at all. Sharing strawberries Lady and the Tramp-style is weird. This is when he drops the bomb that his parents are overseas, and his siblings aren’t available either. Ali is shook by this. Oh yeah so instead Bill’s bringing his ex (he just calls her a girl he met at the dog park) and his pals to dinner at his ex’s dad’s house. It’s no good. Ali is not impressed, but is still trying to be cool and chill.

U wot?

Lotsa laughs here, but it’s still uncomfortable. They all seem much younger than early 30s. She counts Charlie has having had two single dates because of that boxing thing? Yuck.

Friend decides to stir the pot by asking if they’ve spoken about past relationships (because she wants it known that they have F.U.C.K.E.D.). She does not want him to move to Adelaide either. Ali feels attacked. She does not want to be at his ex’s house which is a reasonable position. “I was supposed to meet Bill’s family and instead I’ve met the girl that Bill used to date.

Bill meanwhile thinks this all went just fine. Ali calls this “really telling“. They don’t have the loved-up moment like the other two got. Let’s see how Charlie fucks this up.

No big smooch for you.

Time to get back to Sydney, the goodest place. It’s Charlie’s turn, and he’s a self-dubbed “big player in this”, because he still does not realise that he is not on Survivor. He’s going to explain yet again that he doesn’t trust her judgment, she should just listen to him. Dude is high on power. Why is he casual wear all white?

They’re going to the best spot in Sydney, Gordons Bay, which officially ruins it for all of us this summer, thanks Bachelorette. Time to stand-up paddleboard. It is fun to imagine him carrying those two boards down all the stairs to here. How did she know to have swimming gear but still wore heels for an outdoorsy date?

Romantic paddleboarding does not exist.

Anyway that was all fun and everything but it’s time for him to get some stuff off his chest, because he hasn’t had a cocktail party in like a week to unload on her about how she’s doing everything wrong.

Is he about to dump her?

I know I need to share with her right now that this is where it ends. There’s not gonna be a hometown dinner after this, you’re not gonna be meeting my family. And there’s a reason for that.

Another fkn picnic baby! Out on the water and then they need coats? It’s very confusing what the weather is like. I guess the only reason Gordons Bay could be empty is that it’s winter. But Jesus is he trying to make her jealous by taking her on a nice date and then rubbing it in her face when he confronts her.

He says he’s “not all happy” and that he was meaning to introduce Ali to his cousin, his aunty and her partner. “But it just didn’t feel right. Tonight’s not gonna happen.” This is such a cooked power play I cannot wait to see him turfed out in a matter of minutes. This is some truly awful shit from Charlie. He says he doesn’t neeeeed his family’s opinion. You know how usually at Hometowns they just let their family say all the wicked shit? Charlie’s been saying it himself this whole fkn time. He doesn’t need their help.

I think he’s asking her to choose him now? “I feel that we need to be exclusive.” That is not how The Bachelorette works. You are not being chosen as the winner now. You cannot demand exclusivity. This is not the game. This is not your game.

This is my TV show.

What he is now doing is saying that he wont say ‘I love you’ if he gets to the end. The dude always smiles when he’s lecturing her and finally Ali is as bored with his sanctimonious garbage as we are. Best part is he’s like “If you were in my position you’d be feeling the same“, and she says no, because hey Charlie, she was in this position. A few years back, remember. She got to top three, unlike you.

Charlie wants her to say nice things about him before he’ll say nice things. She’s super pissed and she’s going to go back to her Pad and be as far away from this guy as possible.

*slurping noise*

Cocktail party means hopefully that she’s going to dump both Bill and Charlie and just be done with their bullshit. It is boring feeling this angry all the time at strangers from the telly.

For some reasons they’re not just chatting to each other like they usually do. They have been positioned in four separate naughty corners with their gins. Top two are now Taite and Todd, weirdly. Ali is ready to dump two dudes and has to only choose one. Don’t let Charlie test you, Ali. He doesn’t get to. Send him on his damn way.

Ready to crush some hearts.

I hate how we always say “I’m good” to “How are you?” even though we are not. Ali is not feeling good. She is feeling pissed off and confused. OOOOOFT SHE FINALLY CALLS HIM CONTROLLING. BABY!!!!

She’s also sick of him telling her what she’s feeling. She says it’s a cop-out that he’s asking to be let go if she doesn’t feel big enough feelings for him/want exclusivity too? I’m confused. I think he wants her to either admit to having big feelings for him or to send him home.

Ali really wants to be fought for and she’s sick of him saying this isn’t a fairytale. Please be standing up to boot him out. I am about to flip my MFin’ desk right now because he just said “I know you don’t get it and it’s a real shame.” You patronising bastard, I could do a murder rn. He’s trying to protect his pride and be vulnerable at the same time but what he’s really done is give her a weird warped ultimatum.

Tell ‘im ‘Boy, bye’. 

Here’s the fun bit: “Okay, leave. Take care. Be okay. Know that I’ll be thinking of you. Bye.

He did not see this going this way??? OFC it was going to go this way.

Anyway, the episode’s over and Bill gets to stay by default.

Until next week, lonelyhearts.