Welcome to finale week Bachie babies! It’s almost over. This is our second-last Bachie recap for the year. You can go on and live your real lives again. Ali Oetjen gets to have three dates with three dudes, which, if you’re single, is either your weekend or something  that scares the hell out of you. And we can finally see Bill Goldsmith, man spotted filming Bachelor in Paradise already, get dumped.

Oetjen is by the water/in an ocean pool at sunrise, musing on her future, and God I’m just thinking about how much I would love to be in a body of water rn. How good is going swimming in Sydney?

Alright, Todd King, the knight, is up first, but I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, he’s too young and too handsome. He’s obvs being set up to be the young cop Bachelor next year. He has some pseudo-bombshell he needs to tell Ali about and can we fast-forward to there please, just give us something spicy.

Oh ffs why is she in a horsedrawn carriage and why is he so excited about it? I really want to know what they talk about when it’s not about ‘sparks’. What are your hobbies and interests apart from kissing and doing that stupid run and jump into someone’s arms thing?

Holy shit they’re fencing, this is fkn contenttttt. How fun are callbacks! Anyway, as if he’s handsome in a stupid all-white outfit?

Let’s unpack this quote really quickly: “The thing about fencing is you can’t just swing the sword around willy-nilly, which is what I’m used to.” Excuse me? You are used to fighting with swords???

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Ali Is Still All Wound Up About A Girl Bill Used To Fuck

Just a normal thing I, a normal person, do all the time.

Anyway he’s worried Ali is gonna point the sword at his junk, “the baby-maker“, and Todd shut up, you’re ruining it.

If she wins their weird bout, she gets to be a knight and “ride him” which is very lewd, Ali, wow. He just wants a kiss if he wins, and he’s been getting so many of those, the stakes aren’t very high are they? How am I meant to be invested in this? “We’ll see who gets poked the most.

Question about outfits again: does she film these cutaway to-camera things like… after the duel? Or like before she’s decided he’s gonna win and asks? Or does she get changed again in between training and the actual thing? That seems unlikely right?

He won by cheating and you know I’m disappointed I have to watch them kiss with too much tongue and not watch him pretend to be a horse. I am so bored of the timeline chat. Who thinks about timelines this much? I never think about timelines. I have literally no plans beyond this weekend.

Quote from my roomie: “Just be the horse anyway, Todd.

Quote from my roomie: “They don’t kiss in sync…

Anyway they’re pushing the fairy tale thing as far as it will go so he’s wearing a tux and she’s wearing a ballgown and they’re gonna have some drinks and talk about their feelings for the millionth time. Imagine having to constantly open up to a potential partner rather than just like telling them boring anecdotes about your day and what you do for money.

Todd says he hasn’t seen her since Perth, which means that after Charlie got dumped I guess Osher told all the boys to go to bed without saying goodnight to mummy. Which reminds me, I wish Osher was in this more. She takes a big drink before saying what she thinks about Perth because she’s ready to confront the timeline thing head on. Presumably by demanding he totally gives in to hers because she doesn’t want her vagine to shrivel up.

He wants to be with her forever and is willing to compromise, talks about fairy tales and surmounting obstacles and blahblahblah we’re just looking at his face. Oooft he says he’s in love with her!!!!! The first proper I love you of the season. There is no big reveal from Todd, and I feel misled.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Ali Is Still All Wound Up About A Girl Bill Used To Fuck

This is a fire hazard.

Ali is driving to Taite Radley and “peeing [herself] with excitement“. They might be all chemistry and laughs and she wants ~emotions~, which is not something Taite does. He says he’s falling “head over heels” but isn’t telling her that because he doesn’t want to get hurt. I love that he’s just standing in the middle of the road waiting, no worries. That doesn’t work the other way around. Anyway big smooch because Ali has the hots for dudes who can grow facial hair (sorry Todd).

She says they have obstacles to conquer, so they’re going to do that literally. See? Clever. How fun is doing active things together!!! (I can’t think of anything worse). A new obstacle: how many kisses can we get in this course? Mate, you could just fuck in the course, no one minds. But you’re on prime time so it’d have to be cut.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Ali Is Still All Wound Up About A Girl Bill Used To Fuck

GEDDIT?

This date seems to have gone so quickly. They’re in a spa in the woods. There’s too many candles and I feel like it’s a fire hazard. Spas are fun and romantic, it’s true. Looks like Taite needs to say the ‘L’ word to stay. He finds it too hard when he knows she’s seeing two other people. The thing he is feeling that you can see in his eyes Ali is he wants to fuck. She is obviously falling for him more than she is the others, but she wants a vulnerable guy and he doesn’t want to.

He isn’t ready to say the ‘L’ word and he really cooks his explanation: “I want to say it knowing you are the one and there’s no one else around.” He’s probably referring to the other dudes, but it sounds like he’s saying he wants to check out all his options before he commits. Anyway she can see he’s pulling a Charlie by not being willing to open up until they’re exclusive. He tries to say everything he can without saying the ‘L’-word.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Ali Is Still All Wound Up About A Girl Bill Used To Fuck

I need you to love me now or you’re dumped.

It’s Bill’s turn but Ali is ready to confront him about his Hometown with his ex. He runs up for a quick peck while the others got a big pash. They’re getting in a limo, and Bill doesn’t realise how cheesed off Ali is. He just thinks they had a great time with his pals! Just slinging champers and grinning like a goober.

We seem to have skipped the date activity thing and be straight into drinking-feeling time. He says he’s “well and truly falling in love with [Ali]“. She still can’t trust him just as she hasn’t been able to this whole season.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Ali Is Still All Wound Up About A Girl Bill Used To Fuck

“I am deeply troubled.”

Anyway she really wants to just hash out the Hometowns thing, which probably shouldn’t be a thing tbh. It’s cool that he’s mates with a girl he used to date and it’s not a big deal. Sure maybe he shoulda warned Ali but he really just obviously doesn’t see his good friend Amy as a sexual being anymore.

Bill says they never dated: “I’ve been with her but we were never boyfriend-girlfriend kinda thing.” Is that reality TV code for they used to root?

Ali wonders if Amy still fancies him, because she thinks that would explain their grilling. Ali is cheesed that Bill doesn’t want to talk about this. She decides this is all very telling and he’ll just sugarcoat things and lie to “make it easier“, which frankly is what all people do, but for Ali it’s a dealbreaker.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Ali Is Still All Wound Up About A Girl Bill Used To Fuck

EEEEEEEEEEEP.

Ali doing her make-up knows exactly who she’s sending home. It’s Bill, you idiots, of course it’s Bill. He barely got ten minutes of screen time today. Thank God Osher is here to soften the blow. The red dress is very small and she looks smokin’, which doesn’t stop all the boys from looking terrified.

First rose for Todd because she wants to make Taite sweat and just say the ‘L’-word during the finale. Taite is scared he will lose her for being too honest about not being at the love stage yet. Anyway of course Taite gets the second rose, he’s supposed to win because they want to fuck each other the most/he’s going to tell her something upsetting during the finale that makes her cry like in the previews. My money is he drops her before she gets the chance and maybe she picks Todd as a consolation prize.

I like how Osher whispers to the dumped guy like he’s talking to a frightened animal he wants to keep calm.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Ali Is Still All Wound Up About A Girl Bill Used To Fuck

That’s gotta hurt.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Ali Is Still All Wound Up About A Girl Bill Used To Fuck

You’re dead to me.

Ali walks Bill out and he asks what her reasoning is, she says she’s “not feeling where I should be at“. He says “This sucks!” He’s obviously cut because he’s spent the whole season trying to be honest about his feelings, their connection and about the future he wanted. Still he realises in the car home that if Amy’s a dealbreaker then they’re not meant to be together.

Well, tomorrow we’ll finally know who wins! In our very last Bachie recap for the year. Gosh, it flew by.

Until then, heartbreakers.

Image: Network Ten