GUESS WHAT GUYS. I’m flying solo today because Josie rudely has to do “Editor things” because she’s the “Editor of the website”. How dare. Anyway, your Bachelorette recap is coming directly from my brain, which is never good news for anyone.
[jwplayer r9SlIwU8]
So we’re back with Da Boiz after the rose ceremony. Jamie is crowing about getting the first rose, deciding it means he’s on the same level as Timm because he is that level of strangely delusional. I am unsure about roasting this man because he genuinely seems a few sandwiches short of a picnic when it comes to love, you know? Like a bit off about how you behave when trying to impress a woman. It’s so weird it becomes mildly alarming over actually funny.
Then BAM! Osher‘s out of the asbestos wall cavity! He’s got a date card! He also scares the bejeezus out of Carlin who looks like he wants to do a furtive shit in his pants!
This is because, as Osher explains, we have Angie’s top ten now. It’s game on, molls. The card turns out to be a single date… and it’s for Ciarran????? I’m sorry Angie but you’re doing a shocking job of hiding the fact you have about four favourites in here. Like, WHO THE FUCK IS GLENN. WHO IS HE.
Everyone’s pissed, but no one is about to pop a blood vessel quite like Jamie.
In absolutely heavenly cheapo areas, the producers make Ciarran catch the ferry (!!!!) across to Shark Island, that weird nothing spot in the middle of the harbour that’s (I think) just inhabited by ghosts of convicts or some shit.
Even Ciarran looks a bit concerned, like maybe this IS a sacrifice to the ghosts?
Then Angie turns up on one of those red speed boats no one ever goes on, but are always in The Bachelor franchise in a desperate marketing attempt. Her reasoning for choosing Ciarran for this date is to see if he can mess his hair up a bit??? IDK Angie, Ciarran’s legit just got a messy bun going on. The man is glam but he’s not like, oh noooo my precious blow-wave.
Anyway they choof around in the awful boat, having an awful time.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, Jamie’s still going on about getting the first rose. He legit says “the fire in the belly, it’s brewing” about his feeling he’s getting a single date. If this isn’t leading up to Jamie getting booted, IDK what is.
Back to Ciarran and Angie – she’s going on about him being intriguing. They’re now sitting in some outdoor couch stargazing situation in extremely fancy clothing. Angie’s telling us she’s worried Ciarran’s just a prankster with no depth, she wants to see his serious side because she’s been with pranksters in the past and they weren’t good for her.
So to test Ciarran’s seriousness, she… makes him open up about his traumatic childhood on national television! That’s how I too love to show my serious side, Angie. By discussing deeply private scarring moments with someone I barely know on TV.
Essentially he grew up in a very volatile environment, lots of shit dudes his mum dated, moving schools and so on. He says that’s why he’s so confident, because he learned to go after what he wants regardless of what others think. It’s really, really intense for what is their third date and not even, really, because this is a TV show. Of course we get the romantic music like divulging your personal shit that you’ve only ever told your psychologist is great for relationship building on a reality TV show, and Angie’s all “YAY HE CAN BE SERIOUS BC HE’S BEEN DAMAGED IN THE PAST!” They kiss, he gets a rose, etc.
When he gets back to the mansion, the boys grill him about whether he kissed Angie. He’s all “a gentleman never kisses and tells”, which we love as you know. Mainly because it’s just rude to tell the other dudes you kissed the same woman they like, tbh.
Timm’s mildly pissed but I’m out here just like, can Angie boot Timm now so he can come be my boyfriend? DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH THIS CHAOTIC MAN.
I shouldn’t be so mean to Glenn. I don’t even know Glenn! He’s said some words in this episode, incredible stuff.
Bam! Angie’s back, and she tells the guys they’re all hanging out together today – at the mansion. With guests. After speculation as to who the guests could be, another bam! A car rolls in and out pours Angie’s parents, who look mad reluctant to be there.
Dad (I missed his name and I refuse to rewind to find it) sits down with a bunch of the boys and asks them very producer-led questions that have been carefully printed onto cards for him. I get the sense he (Wayne? He looks like a Wayne) is a rogue unit and the producers were like NOW WAYNE, JUST READ OFF THE CARDS AND SAY NOTHING ELSE.
Blah blah, Timm’s made a connection, Ciarran says he was naked in front of Angie with no context, and Carlin says everyone agrees – Jamie is to be avoided. Meanwhile Jamie’s chatting to Angie’s mum and she looks alarmed.
Then it’s time for Angie to go off with her ‘rents to suss their vibes about the dudes. They say Carlin if she wants to settle down and have babies, Ciarran if she wants to travel and fuck around for longer. Interestingly and in great news for me and my own selfish plans, they can’t stand Timm – Angie’s mum thinks he’s not ready to settle down (I can make it happen), and Not-Wayne feels he’s too much and would drive her nuts (I already drive everyone nuts!!).
Angie’s not vibing this at all.
They also tell her the guys don’t trust Ryan. Again, Angie’s like WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE DAD. They tell her about Jamie and how intense he is, and in the end Angie’s like hooooo boy what just happened.
Cocktail party time! Jamie immediately swoops in on Angie, and takes her for a chat. She brings up how the guys said he was someone to steer clear of, and honestly the hurt in this dude’s eyes… it’s getting a bit mean to be honest. Just let him go Angie and let him heal his aching heart in privacy. It’s like Cassie-levels of mean, now.
Angie’s like GRILLING him and all he really says to her is that he is only in the mansion for her, and that he never saw himself as needy but would like her not to judge him based on one statement. ALL FAIR POINTS. I’m not like, a Jamie apologist except that I absolutely am. I don’t want him with Angie, but I do want Angie to let him out of his misery now.
Then it’s rose ceremony time and ANNOYINGLY Angie keeps Jamie, letting Glenn-Who go home. Fucked.
Anyway! That’s it for this week’s Bachelorette recap, I miss Josie, it’s exhausting trying to be funny, the end.
