Did anyone else see those spoilers about the top dudes and who would win Bachelorette? I kind of hate myself for reading it because now there is literally NO surprise here, I’m almost positive it’s correct. I guess I *might* get a nice shock if Ten have played silly buggers with some red herrings and there’s a twist at the finale, but idk guys.

Anyway, this episode features some supposed top tier dudes (I won’t give anything away in case you’re avoiding spoilers, but come on – if you didn’t know these guys were top tier you haven’t been watching anyway) going on a boat ride with Elly and Becky.

Basically, Becky wants to suss if Fraser is right for Elly, so they invite Fraser on the date. Becky also invites Pete, the only dude I can remember her having any spark with.

Honestly if they don’t at least make top 3 I’ll eat a whole pack of uncooked brussell sprouts

So first they go on these dinky boats and there’s a lot of yiewwwww and shaka throwing vibes.

The epitome of someone who says yiew, honestly

Meanwhile back at Casa Boiz, everyone is of course pelting the shit out of some boxing bags so they don’t punch each other in the face!

This guy in particular looks deadset keen to punch a hole in a wall.

Someone order more boxing bags quick

Back at the boats, there is now a bigger, sexier boat that everyone hops onto. From there, it’s a bunch of making out in front of sisters that I just do not have time for, frankly.

STOP KISSING IN FRONT OF YOUR SISTER ITS WEIRD

Like I have an uncomfortably close relationship with my sister, you know? She’s my best friend, the other week we went on a big group weekender and because there were no couples, we got the room with a literal toilet with NO WALL IN FRONT OF IT as an ensuite. That is how overly close we are. And I still wouldnt tongue kiss a guy in front of her.

Anyway, the news is – Fraser says a bunch of red flag shit like ohhh Elly you’re so perfect ohhhh you’re such a good person you’re amazing, and Elly laps it up.

Did we not learn from Matt Agnew, Elly?

Meanwhile, Pete tells Becky this truly lovely story about how he helps his parents care for his younger bro, who is going through rehab, and how he needs to stay close to them in Adelaide. He is PERFECT. Except for the bit where he says this date is the best part of his life. As my friend Luke said to me, if the best night of your life is kissing Becky in front of about 40 cameras while her sister is RIGHT THERE, you’re not ok.

On to a group date! It’s some sort of muddy obstacle course where the guys are in suits and running around with the girls in wedding dresses.

Honestly why, and also why

Makes NO sense, of course. Becky’s team has like two people on it and Elly’s has about seventy, but that guy with the undercut is the ref and is ALSO on Becky’s team, so he just cheats to make them win.

In the end, it scores him solo time with Becky! Heaps of the dudes get all hepped up on testosterone and you can just SEE how much they want to biff on with undercut over his cheating.

bring back the biff

In the end, Becky takes Undercut to a hot tub and looks HUGELY DTF. Big mood, tbh. Take the hot one and get him half naked with you, I back it.

Why not, tho

I cannot see these two getting actually serious, I think Becky just wanted to jump his bones. Which she does, and it’s great! A spicy hot tub fling!

On to the cocktail party. Joe gets to take Elly aside first, and recreates their “first date” (read: awkward post-root brekkie) at a cafe.

I’d put money on the actual cafe being one of those ones that serves Wonder White and eggs can only be fried

It’s pretty damn cute even if it’s total bullshit. Joe is just so SWEET and ENDEARING and you just want to squish him. I feel like Elly is mainly maintaining a mild annoyance at producers for bringing her one night stand onto her reality TV show, though.

God I can’t wait to boot you

Then, she finally gets dragged away with this dude.

letter
what fresh hell

The reason he looks like he might do a little spew into his shoe? He’s reading her one of those AWFUL love letters producers make people who are desperate for attention write. You know, full of bad rhymes and overtly intense sentences like “I can see you in my future”.

The whole thing is angled around this rose quartz necklace that was absolutely $2.99 from a tourist shop in Bali, that he apparently carries with him waiting to finally give the girl of his dreams. WHAT.

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thanks I hate it

Elly kind of reluctantly takes the necklace while screaming internally. I mean, what else can she do here?? It’s wild. It’s insane. I love it.

She gives the guy this big hug and then he plods off crowing about how he’s totally a frontrunner now. Ummmmmm news flash you absolutely are NOT.

At the rose ceremony, he gets picked first, then it’s all the usual suspects and this dude I’ve never seen before in my life goes home:

bye, my dude

Next week it looks like Ol’ Quartzy loses his shit and ruins the party, as we all knew he would do!

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer and prefers a servo travellers pie after yeeting out of a one night stand at 6am. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter