After waiting what felt like an AGE for this season to end (for Bachelor franchise 2020 to end really) we’re finally here. I hope Network Ten and whoever makes Bachelorette etc have learned a few lessons. Namely, stop casting blonde white people and never listen to your talent when they say they want the show to be “wholesome”.

But here we are! As much as I’ve disliked this season, I do genuinely want Elly and Becky to find love. The Newy gals grew on me, ok! At the end of the day, they’re human beings – human beings who want Instagram sponsorships, but still human beings with feelings! And I would like those feelings to be warm and fuzzy. Chalk it up to the 90 wines and whole cheese block I ate tonight, ok? I’m just feeling generous.

So first up we have Elly’s last date with Joe. She picks him up in a paddle steamer and honestly, if you’ve ever been on a paddle steamer you’d know they’re like the most unromantic things on the planet. They smell like stale beer and baby wees. Because babies wee on the floor, I’m sure of it. But you know, with some sweeping shots it all looks very romantico.

toot toot it’s the piss boat

Joe tells us he’s basically fallen in love with Elly but come ON guys, there is NO chemistry here. It’s like watching Elly and her creepy 14-year-old cousin hang out and he’s got the hots for anything with boobs because of his hormonies, you know? Like lots of awkward touching while Elly cringes internally, YEUGH.

Anyway they go paddleboarding, they keep going on about how romantic everything is. It’s not. The music is SO turned up to romantic level 500, it’s like the violinist was playing for his life to convince us these two are more than just bro-pals.

literally her EYELID looks disinterested

Then they get all tizzied up to… sit in the back of a ute. But not like a cool old ute in a cute, romantic field with one singular cow mooing or something. It’s like a brand new, blindingly shiny blue ute but then they’ve put fucking DEAD FLOWERS above their head???

Who on god’s green earth thought up this concept?

Oh my god you can’t just MANUFACTURE MCLEODS DAUGHTERS ENERGY

Anyway they go on and on about how easy it is to be together (because you have the chemistry of siblings) and then Joe gets all srs and tells Elly he’s falling in love with her. But then Elly tells us “can I fall in love with Joey??” Ummmm babe I think if you’re asking “can I” you know the answer. I’m so so so so so sooooo down with how Elly takes it slow and isn’t throwing the l-word around, don’t get me wrong. But it feels like she’s trying to force it and it’s not there. Because he is spiritually her brother.

Off to Becky and Pete’s date! They’re jumping out of a plane together, and also – chalk it up to watching too much election news today – Becky looks like a Republican’s first lady, blow wave and all.

Team AMERICA!

Anyway SCREAMING guys because I’m pretty sure the budget is so small, they’ve shoved Becky and Pete in on another skydiving tour!! There’s randoms on the plane!

Sorry guys these two get to go first, yeah I know you paid $300

But then I realise some of them are their tandem partners. I still swear there are other punters on that plane.

Afterward they go have bevs at some sort of fake Tuscan mansion, and Becky says Pete’s still being guarded. He says he’s still a bit hurt and cautious because of his last relationship, and when she asks him “do you think you’re ready” he’s like “…..yeah? Sure?? I don’t know if I’ll ever know if I’m ready.”

NOT THE RIGHT ANSWER THERE, PETEOS.

Anyway Becky gets emotional and is like, I don’t know if he’s ready and what I’m looking for. I smell a red herring when I see one rotting in front of my EYES THERE, BECKSTER. Not that she’s a rotten red herring. The fake concern is… ugh a joke isn’t funny if you have to explain it.

Then it’s Fraser and Elly. They’re doing farm things because Elly’s a farm girl, and apparently it’s normal for her to drive a tractor around for no reason and call it a date. Seriously, no one drives a tractor unless they’re what, hoeing wheat?? Churning the ground? Whatever tractors do?? You don’t just hop on in there in your $600 Spell set and bring a dude along!

After that, she leads Fraser down blindfolded to… THE BATH. It’s BACK.

THERE SHE IS, THAT FILTHY BITCH

Yep, they hop into the bath that has now been used by about six horny couples. That metallic lining has SEEN. SOME. SHIT.

Anyway they make out and honestly the chemistry is INTENSE. It’s so intense that Elly starts crying because she knows it’s real but it makes the decision harder for her. I feel like she’s scared coz she feels deeply for Fraser, the poor gal. And like imagine having a camera up your nostril while you come to terms with some commitment fear! NIGHTMARE.

Can ya give her ONE BLOODY SECOND

Off we choof to Becky and undercut. Guess what, at the final hour I’ve learned his name. ADRIAN. I’m obsessed with Becky because she’s clearly kept this guy around coz they have white-hot chemistry, and just gets him to do these super sexual dates like SIT IN THE HOT TUB WITH ME and now, RUB MUD ON MY BOOBS.

This is such a mood

It’s just so good. Like if he wasn’t having fun I’d be a bit off it but he’s having a great time. Then they go sit down (mudless) and talk about their feelings. Adrian says he’s falling in love with Becky, and it’s just like watching the hook-up guy catch feelings and you’re like ughhhhhhhh we were having so much fun and you had to go ruin it.

Ughhhh you had to go catch feelings didn’t you

Then it’s time for the gals to make their choices. They sit down to chat and both are struggling between their heads and hearts, or heads and vaginas I guess because they both go on about chemistry with one, “right choice” with the other.

First up is Becky. In shocking news to NOT ONE PERSON WATCHING THIS SHOW, the first dude out of the car is Adrian. Since this is so boring coz we knew, can we instead discuss the beautiful setting? God damn, this is just lovely:

Seriously! A nice palette!

Anyway he takes it well. He’s a bit pissed but overall trying not to be a dick, which I respect.

Then Pete rocks up and Becky tells him all these nice things and they kiss. Interestingly, no I love you’s. But it’s still cute, and they seem happy.

This is like the WORST screenshot of their happiness but just BELIEVE ME OK

Moving on!!! Elly is in a bit of a tizz about her decision and I definitely feel like it’s got more weight to it. In a wild turn of events (I wouldn’t call it a massive twist, but it’s definitely chaotic) Elly goes to JOEY’S HOUSE THING to chat to him.

Wow, are there any rules anymore?

It is brutal. My poor, sweet angelic Joey! Getting his heart crushed so visibly! Honestly, the man has absolutely no filter on his face, look:

oh i see what this is.

It is HEARTBREAKING. For Elly, for Joey… it’s all BAD guys. It’s almost on par with the Timm dumping of 2019. Except now we know Timm was a grade-A c*nt so that’s tarnished a wonderful reality TV moment for me, hasn’t it.

Anyway Elly is sobbing as she leaves, but Joe is pretty level-headed about it all. Or at least, he’s trying to be. Man, it was a real mood-killer I have to say.

god, way to finish 2020 here

I don’t even care how happy Fraser might make Elly after all of this, JOEY IS SAD. SOMEONE GO HUG HIM AND/OR GIVE HIM A NIGHT IN THE SACK HE’LL NEVER FORGET. WHATEVER YOU AND HE FEEL LIKE DOING.

Anyway then we have an ad break and then we have Fraser being all chipper in the car. It’s all happy fucking days isn’t it,  while Joey cries naked in the river!!! Huh!!!

Anyway, they go on about feelings or some shit and then Elly’s like “I’m crazy about ya Fraser!” and they pash.

Yeah it’s cute, I’ll give ’em that

Again, no I love you’s! It’s kind of refreshing though? And realistic? Like they’ve known each other for five minutes, let them ~develop a relationship~ ok?

And that, my friends, is a wrap! They meet back up with Becky and Pete and cheers to… well, not love. RELATIONSHIPS! Way less sexy but also more normal!!

Ooft guys, I feel like I’ve been recapping for an entire year, and I just want to say, with this energy:

That I have very much enjoyed spending many of my personal hours writing these recaps and I have never once had to cancel a date or miss dinner with friends so I could recap, and I do not cry myself to sleep wondering what I could have used those 6000 hours for. KIDDING I love it, love you all, see you next year.

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer and she’s going to go stare at a wall now. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter