All I care about is this – WHO IS THE BACHELOR 2020 DEMON, BELLA OR IRENA. I don’t know WHAT to think now guys! Did you see that Steph reckons Irena was the snake? I love Steph! I trust her! I’m so stressed about this, I feel like I’ll give myself a hernia over these people I don’t know.

We come back to the gals the morning after the rose ceremony. Bella is 10000000% having one of those post-emotional hangovers.

literally me tonight because I’ve been PMS and yelling at everyone irrationally.

She explains that mainly, she wishes she could call Locky and check they’re ok after he pulled her aside. She tells us she’s just going to focus on him and avoid Irena like she’s a large pile of steaming alpaca poo.

Suddenly, Locky barges through the doors with some Coles bags. He tells everyone he’s there to make them brekkie coz it’s the last group date. Bec tells us she’s shocked she’s even here at this point.

just happy to be here!!!!! Who is everyone???

Irena minces over to Locky and goes on about their matching outfits, which are barely matching at best like… denim and khaki? For spring? Groundbreaking. Then she starts making STARBUCKS!!!!!!!! COFFEE!!!!! STARBUCKS!!!! DID YOU GUYS!!!! SEE ENOUGH!!!! STARBUCKS!!!! PROMOTIONAL SHOTS!!!

STARBUUUUUUCKS!!!

Next thing we know, Locky’s making everyone write him a love letter going on about how amazing he is.

DEAR Mister Royal Hampton

They then have to read the letters out to him individually, while the OTHER WOMEN WATCH ON VIDEO. Honestly, these producers have no soul. Izzy is up first and her letter is basically “hey mate, you’re my best mate, mate!”

Yusssss bro!

When it’s Irena’s turn things are VERY intimate, which Bella VERY much does not enjoy.

DIE IN A HOLEEEEEE

Irena returns the sentiment when it’s Bella’s turn.

DIE IN A HOLE FILLED WITH ANTSSSSSS

In the end, Locky picks Bella for the final single date before hometowns. He says he wants to see if they can put the shitshow of the rose ceremony behind them.

Their date involves smashing a plate into pieces and then working out how to glue it back together. THE SUBTLETY, PEOPLE.

did you just say we need to file down the rough edges, REALLY??

While they’re gluing a perfectly good plate that they smashed up BACK together, they talk about Irena. Bella says she doesn’t want to talk about Irena, actually, and instead wants to focus on Locky. Eventually, the dude gives up on trying to mansplain himself into their fractured friendship and admits defeat. They will never be friends again! Why do dudes always want to FIX shit!

They kiss and make up. Next thing we know we’re back at the mansion, and Kaitlyn is grimly eating another one of those awful pink Magnums.

i hope and pray the alpacas get into the Magnum stash so I never have to do this again

They talk about whether Bella will get a rose on her date, blah blah. Back to the date! Is that… a BUTTERFLY PILLOW.

good christ it is

Sorry I was distracted by the heinous set design there. Anyway, Bella tells Locky she’s falling for him, he goes all moony about it, then he gives her a rose.

When she shows up at the cocktail party with said rose, Irena is all sorts of jealous. All the ladies and Locky sit together to chat about his date with Bella (fucking weird flex but sure) and mid-chat, Irena walks off. She tells us that she feels Bella getting a rose “says it all”.

Meanwhile, Bella is telling the girls about her amazing date and how she told Locky she’s falling in love with him (honestly what IS this show? Imagine you had to hang out with your dudes five other Hinge girls and hear them talk about how far their own chat had gotten to? Madness).

Meanwhile Bec always looks like she’s desperately trying to remember everyones name.

Hahahaha that’s so funny…. Bonnie…?

Meanwhile Irena is having the emotional breakdown of the century and either this woman cries REALLY attractively or this is total bullshit C-grade acting:

I DON’T KNOW WHO I BELIEVE ANYMORE

I WANT to believe her? Coz the sad music and the crying is making me feel things??? But can EVERY woman seriously be wrong in this place?

Anyway you know who we can all safely wish would be smited by a rogue asteroid? This guy:

Yeah righto super respectful mate

Just casually takes Bella aside when there’s about five women left including one who told him she loved him, for a cheeky pash hidden behind an umbrella like a horny fifteen year old. LOCKY IS THE WORST.

Anyway, in unsurprising news, Kaitlyn goes home at the rose ceremony. All in all, a pretty uneventful episode! Until next weeeeek, hometowns and Bella’s terrifying Greek father who reminds me of my own Theo Papou, whose idea of affection was to hurl family size packs of Dairy Milk at us kids at Christmas.

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer and when she isn’t writing recaps, she’s recording retellings of Midnight Sun while shitfaced and uploading them to Apple podcasts. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter