Surely there are like three episodes to go at this point of The Bachelor you guys. It is impossible for these producers to squeeze any more juice from this mouldy lemon. IMPOSSIBLE.

Somehow, we still have about 9 women in this thing, which is ridiculous because at least 6 of them despise Locky, I’m sure of it. Who are they, even? Who is “Izzy” for example?? She’s literally just this blonde lady who laughs?

Anyway. We immediately jump into things this episode, with the gals tizzied up like Kath Day-Knight at the races.

They don’t know what they’re doing in their finest last season Bec + Bridge, but they do know it involves Locky. When they make it to the grass patch, Osher asks Locky what he missed most about the mansion during lockdown, and Locky says he’s a “physical guy” and missed…. that?

The ONE thing I was promised on this show was dry humping and WHAT DID YOU DELIVER? ONESIES.

Osher introduces “Georgia Grace” (fake name) who is an “Intimacy Coach” (fake job). She runs the girls through some exercises to do with intimacy, by which I mean she encourages the ladies to touch Locky’s peen.

Real name Kate Smith, occupation yoga instructor.

The exercise is, of course, Locky standing in his Reg Grundies while all the women “mark” him with something. Kaitlyn tongues his neck and absolutely gives him a semi.

ooooh little Locky likey

Juliette writes…. this on his back:

live laugh love, ok

Then Bella comes in and kisses him on the chest. After that, Irena walks in and draws a love heart in the same space. Finally, Steph just plants a big one on his mouth.

Locky picks Bella, Irena, and Steph as his most notable interactions. He choofs off to cover his stiffy with some pants while Bella has a deeply tepid fight with Irena over Irena allegedly covering her kiss with her painted heart. I mean, honestly.

There’s also an elongated ad for Magnum in which everyone reluctantly eats icecream when they really just want the champers to arrive.

if this pink shit drops on my dress you’re dead producers

Steph wins the date with Locky and good lord, guys. The budget must be on the floor because we’ve headed to the soulless Olympic Park.

I personally love dates in the middle of a business precinct that had its heyday in 2000

The date is… not good. To put it bluntly, Steph is way too good for Locky. She’s fucking hilarious and he is like “waaah I can’t see a serious side”. Sorry? You don’t want a girlfriend who makes you laugh all the time?

JUSTICE FOR STEPH

She doesn’t get a rose. Yikes. Then, Locky beep beeps up in a VW Kombi to take Irena on a date. They head to some soggy woods for a soggy mountain bike ride Irena TOTALLY loves, not.

wooo can’t wait to be together for real and never fucking do this again

After the bike ride they cuddle in a swag. Honestly you could not PAY ME to go on this shithouse camping date.

Cool really thought we’d be at helicopter time rn

Later that night, Irena tells Locky she LOVES HIM (!!!!) which is wild and surely the earliest a Bachie contender has said the L-word. It is a LOT. I feel like Locky feels it’s a LOT. We all feel it’s a LOT.

Prob a brain thought not a mouth thought, beb

Locky is absolutely burning through the dates in this ep, because next thing he’s off with Izzy planning their fake life together. Literally they walk around with string (why???) talking about when they want kids and would she move to Bali. Naturally she answers everything perfectly.

Yeah babe!!! I’ll wait til Im 45 to have kids coz you wanna hike every mountain in the world solo, and I’ll then have kids and raise them myself while you swim every lake!!!

They finally have their first kiss but honestly, I’m not feeling it.

Then! Cocktail party! Juliette and Kaitlyn have a chat – Juliette is livid that Locky apparently likes “grandmas” (Irena) and “dead behind the eyes” people (Bella). Honestly this woman is a national treasure.

Give her an entire reality series immediately

So it is FUCKED when Locky just sends her home unceromoniously after she tells him all these TikTok stars are sliding into her DMs and he should be so lucky. Like??? He SHOULD be so lucky????

JUSTICE FOR JULIETTE ALSO

Next thing we know Bella is having a 200/10 meltdown over Irena apparently lying to Locky. She basically gets smothered by blonde hair in consolation.

come here babe, retreat into the blonde abyss

She ends up sitting down with Locky and absolutely grinding Irena’s soul into the concrete. She spills everything to the dude. Everything from “she’s fake” to “she’s manipulative”. He… does not love it.

Can we go back to the bit where I got to mack on with five women at once

He’s so off it, in fact, that at the rose ceremony when he gets down to Bella, Steph and Maddie – he calls Bella aside. She does herself no favours by going full crazy-eyes and telling him she just doesn’t want Irena to come between them.

“Do not trust her. She is a fugly slut.”

Locky HATES this and it is extremely uncomfortable. Honestly, if it wasn’t for his piss-poor acting I would have thought Bella was being booted. But no, he chooses her after a painfully long silence and we live to see another episode of Irena/Bella drama.

Tomorrow night! Irena storms off! Bella says ILY to Locky! Madness!

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer and today she ate congealed leftover gnocchi gorgonzola for breakfast ‘cos she’s a mess. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter