I know we’re well into week 2 of Bachelor In Paradise, but friends, it’s time. Time to look back at the (mostly dubious) fashion choices these ex-reality stars turned… reality stars again made for their paradise debut. It is! It is the right time to do this, and there is a lot – I repeat, a LOT – to cover.
Most guys/gals chose outfits that worked with the extreme Fijian humidity and tropical mood of the resort, obviously. Also – things you can wear your hair up with! That frizz is a real issue, guys! We pulled the best/worst looks out and gave our two cents. No one asked, we just did it.
MEL: I actually really rated this situation on V-Sun but why has she got what looks like a child’s macrame preschool creation as an armband.
JOSIE: I enjoy the yellow being a nod to the Sunshine part of her name, but you’re right, that DIY bracelet vibe is weird. Maybe Nathan made it for her on their awkward massage date and presented it proudly to her as a gift at the end?
JOSIE: What in Christ’s name is this outfit. Firstly: is it actually an outfit, or is it swimmers? Is it pants? A skirt? Is it sheer? Solid? Is it formal? Casual? I find this whole getup very confusing. It hurts my brain, and my eyes.
MEL: I just wish we would all stop with the naked dress thing. Beyonce did it and then it was DONE, people! It just has to be done so well to work, and high-waisted swimmer bums with a bee skirt is not the way. The hair/makeup sitcho I enjoy, though.
JOSIE: Look I’m an animal-print FIEND myself and I actually think in theory this outfit is really cute, but something about where the stripes are placed make this kind of look like a rib X-ray? Like diagnostic imaging, but making it fashion.
MEL: I just abhor animal print so it’s an all over no from me, aside from the dress STYLE – love a spaghetti strap mini. Her layers of “my brand” jewellery look fantastic, however.
MEL: I will never hate on a high-waisted pant, but something about the strapless top and Brooke’s slicked-back, protected-from-the-humidity hair isn’t doing it for me.
JOSIE: I’m not into this either. I do love the little seaside-themed nod of the starfish earrings, wearing a top that proudly displays several varieties of nautical knots is taking it a step too far.
JOSIE: I actually love this Hamptons-esque linen jumpsuit – I’m a sucker for a self-belt, it’s such a cute vintage look – I think she either needs a better bra or the jumpsuit needs straps. I’m not body-shaming, as a bigger-busted gal myself I just wanna hoik her boobs up because this just looks a bit unsupportive.
MEL: Ok well controversial but I hate it? Strapless tubes should have been left in 2005 and you cannot tell me otherwise.
JOSIE: This boho look is quite lovely on her but I find her very pale contact lenses (? surely they’re not her real irises!) kind of alarming. She almost looks like a White Walker in this pic.
MEL: Look I like it but in a very real way I am not entirely convinced that isn’t a top she’s trying to pass off as a dress. One gust of wind and it’s undies-mcgee.
MEL: This is a GREAT colour on her. Excellent. I’ve never been a fan of this material but that’s because on me, this would be like “look at those two wombats having a fight under there”.
JOSIE: This looks great on Cass but I can’t help having horrific images of what my own 33-year-old boobs would do if I attempted to wrangle them into this frock. They’d either be flopping out the sides or making a bid for freedom through that gap in the middle.
MEL: Look all I’m saying is keep this guy away from the tomato sauce.
JOSIE: Maybe he’s already spilt his sauso sanga on his crotch and that’s why his hand is awkwardly placed there?
JOSIE: It’s like these men hear the word “Fiji” and go hunting for the biggest, brightest, loudest party shirt they can possibly get their mitts on. This shirt looks like a flamingo drank too many strawberry daiquiris and vomited all over him.
MEL: Yeah look as far as party shirts go this is in the least offensive category but also we get it, you’re in the tropics.
ALISHA AITKEN-RADBURN & BILL GOLDSMITH
MEL: You loved this outfit on Alisha right? I do too – and I really like a messy high pony, KEY for the humidity IMO. Bill is looking slick but I am fundamentally averse to ankle-cropped pants on guys.
JOSIE: YES Alisha looks so cute in this! It’s bright, fun, flirty and suits her a lot. I would look like a large piece of cheddar cheese in this, but she rocked it. Bill on the other hand, we don’t need to see your creepily smooth ankles, thanks very much.
JOSIE: Something about this precious angel’s body language here is like “please like my outfit” so I feel bad saying anything negative about it. I will say… are there no irons in Paradise? They all need to steam their linens.
MEL: Yes, for fuck’s sake just steam your damn linens! JUST ONCE! I agree, he looks quite keen for approval here. Also a heavy linen blazer with shorts is… strange. Like I’m seeing a formally dressed man after a wedding and he’s dropped his dacks in a drunken state.
MEL: WHAT. IN THE FUCK. IS THIS.
JOSIE: Oh my Christ. What did you call this again? Big W Christmas PJs? You weren’t wrong. This looks like those PJs you got as a kid that had the HIGH FIRE DANGER tag on them because they were made of entirely accelerant materials. I wonder if he’d combust if he stood in the sun for too long?
MEL: Fuck Unhinged Brittany is such a babe and you completely forget it because she is quite possibly clinically insane. This dress looks amazing on her and it shouldn’t because it is literally made of the cheapest possible fabric, I feel like she collected this from the warehouse for one of those weird shops you find in run-down old malls called like “Laydee” or “Girl Fashion”.
JOSIE: You are 100% correct, no one should look good in this Girl Fashion dress but somehow the most batshit character on the show pulls it off.