We’re down to 13 contestants on The Bachelor 2018 – not counting the 3 intruders coming in this week, who absolutely don’t count since an intruder has NEVER won Bachie and I’m sorry, they never will. The end.
[jwplayer z25Jd4AY]
Because I’m working on a Saturday night (I know) and therefore I have no boss, I’ve hit a power trip like you’ve never seen before. What am I doing with said power trip, you ask? Why, ranking all the Bachelor contestants by how much of a chance they have at love with our mate Nick ‘Honey Badger’ Cummins, of course.
WHAT ELSE.
Just FYI if you want my credentials for this, I DO co-write the Bachelor recaps for this fair site so I thiiiink I know my shit. Just in case you were doubting me there. Rude. TBH. But also fair, I am fucking unhinged, for all you knew I had never watched a single ep.
Without further ado, and no I also don’t know why I’m talking like a ye olde medieval knight man, here is ~The List~.
13. ALISHA
There is no way in fucking hell Alisha is winning this bitch. She has made her bed, and that bed is “weird extra friend of the two bitchy girls in the mansion”. In short, she has aligned herself with this season’s dickheads, but she doesn’t actually contribute much besides some snarky laughter and mincing around after them like a sad, nervous henchman. It’s a shame really bc a friend of mine went on a few dates with her once and said she’s really nice. However, she has made her bed, as I said. YOU MADE YOUR TRASH-FIRE BED, ALISHA.
12. ASHLEA
I’m sorry, who the fuck even? Who is this? I have literally never seen this woman in my life. Actually wait – I’m fairly sure my boss Josie told me I confused her for Aleksandra in a fashion wrap, and my response was “same same”. Because, actually same same at this point. I’m sure she’s a sweet baby angel but honey if I do not know who you are at this point, you’re donezo.
11. CAT
We all bloody know the cunning producers on this show are going to keep Cat and Romy firmly in the mix until the last fucking second, to milk them for all their drama-creating, bitch-fight worth. WE KNOW THIS. But while we’ll be forced to watch their LITERAL EVIL WITCH LAUGHING for many, many more episodes, there is no way in hell either of them are being selected by Nick without a producer screaming their name into his ear at each rose ceremony. Cat will go first, because Romy is slightly less obvious about her blatant personal brand marketing.
Side note – is Cat wearing MOTH EARRINGS here? I just watched Silence Of The Lambs and I really don’t think as a jewellery designer, producing gilded moth earrings that strongly resemble the ones they PULL OUT OF DEAD PEOPLE’S THROATS in a horror movie is the way to success. Just my take.
10. ROMY
What I said above, with added “also she molested Nick’s eardrum”.
9. EMILY
WHOMST IS THIS WOMAN. She is surely just there at this point because she bears a striking resemblance to Rory Gilmore.
8. RIHANNON
Rihannon’s made it this high because she’s at least had a single date that’s resulted in a rose. Although that’s not much – she literally had the most cringe-worthy kiss fail of the entire season, save for Romy’s which I can’t speak of, I just ate dinner.
7. TENEILLE
Here she is! The last of the randoms! Tenielle/Teneille nudges in to top place for random-ladies because I just FEEL like she’s a dark horse. They keep showing her accepting a rose, for example. Why, if not because in 3 episodes time, Nick has this brain/penis snap where he suddenly realises she’s the one for him? Back me on this, OK?
6. DASHA
What’s that, you say? You reckon Dasha’s in for a strong shot at wifey? Yeah – she would have been, but for the fact that she has LITERALLY BEEN ENTIRELY MISSING since that river date. Honestly, I didn’t even see her at the rose ceremony that night? Did she fall down a lake-bog and is now living with a small croc family, Queen of The Bog Swamp? Someone tell me, please.
5. CASS
Oh, bby. Oh sweet Cass. I have so much love for this poor girl. She is a producer’s dream. She is literally doing whatever they ask her to do – including reading from her secret diary. HONEY, DO NOT. She is also me circa every guy I’ve boned a few times, caught feels for, and then realised in fact they just saw me as boobs that walked. In short – Nick does not want to go back there, in fact I would hedge a bet he’s furious at the producers for making him keep Cass around when he CLEARLY wants to send the poor angel home so she can lick her wounds privately.
4. SOPHIE
I KNOW, I KNOW. THE POIPLES PROINCESS. I actually shouldn’t make that joke today, it’s the anniversary of Diana’s death. Oh well! I did it anyway! Right so back to it – Sophie’s coming in at #4 because, frankly, she is fake as fuck. SORRY BUT IT’S TRUE. She’s playing this “uhurrr I’m the cooool girl” bullshit but she’s playing it so hard, it’s completely see-through. WE SEE YOU, YOU SECRET CHAMPAGNE-SWILLING, MRS SIPPY ON A SUNDAY ARVO, ONLY WEARS SHIT FROM TUCHUZY OR THE ICONIC’S PREMIUM SECTION LADY. WE SEE YOU. Don’t try and tell me you love water sports and you say mate in your real life. Don’t insult me.
3. BROOKE
I am now fucking you UP, right??? Brooke??? In number THREE? YES. Yes Brooke in number three, and I’ll tell you bloody why. She’s 23. She’s from Perth. She loves her family, I think. The point being – you’re telling me an innocent-ish 23 year old is gonna fang it over to Sydney, leaving her life that she clearly loves behind, for a 30 year old dude who (supposedly) wants to settle down? Nope. Mark my words, soon her Nick spark is gonna fizzle and we’ll see her get sent home, but she’ll likely make it to top 2.
2. SHANNON
Okay okay okay okay. Bear with me here. Because I KNOW Shannon is a bit like “woooooooo loopy wooooo” but she is legit the female version of Nick Cummins. She’s genuinely this rough-and-tumble, hey mate what’s up mate, galumphy woman, so I reckon she’s actually not had her big shining moment yet, and we’re set to see her and Badgeroonie fall head over heels for each other. I almost put her at #1, but that seemed a bit premature. A bit how’s your father, if you will. That’s not how you use that term but it’s how I LIKE TO USE IT AND I DON’T CARE ABOUT USING THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE CORRECTLY. Just let me be spicy. Let me be.
1. BRITTANY
Shocker, right? Old sternumy has made it to #1. Brittany is juuuust behind Brooke for the predicted winner, but the reason I reckon she’s most likely to take this motherfucker out is because she’s 30 (that’s old for this show, and I can say that bc I’m 32 so I’m basically menopausal in Bachelor years), she’s got the cute hometown connection and the all-Aussie vibe going on, and unlike SOME PEOPLE (cough Sophie) she isn’t putting on a persona – she seems to be legit. Well, so far.
WILD CARD
Potential spicy prediction – old mate Nick picks NO ONE at the end. Hence the tumbleweed gif (Josie if you’re reading this, do you love me for that gif? I know it’s your fave). It’s a rumour that’s been doing the rounds since before the dawn of time (it feels like, anyway) and look – given the amount of kisses he’s rejected, it wouldn’t surprise me if Nick went all gallant-good-guy at the end, deciding he didn’t have a strong enough connection with ANYONE to completely commit to them.
Then again, it’s Bachelor. We’re all about that fabricated, producer-driven love babey!!!! GIVE US A SHITTY COMMITMENT RING OR BE BANISHED TO HADES, amirite?
