Stale Take: Aragorn Opening The Doors At Helm’s Deep Is The Hottest Fucking Thing Alive

Sorry, Legolas girls. I get it, you were obsessed with the elf man and his long blonde hair and that one time he skated down a staircase firing off arrows into orcs. But there was nothing hotter on this earth – Middle or otherwise – than Aragorn opening the doors at Helm’s Deep.

You know what I’m talking about. In The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, the people of Rohan have fled for their fortress at Helm’s Deep, fearing – correctly – an attack by the armies of Saruman. When their convey is attacked by orcs, Aragorn (played by a devilishly handsome Viggo Mortensen) goes over a cliff. He’s feared dead. All hope is lost.

But Aragorn isn’t dead. Sexy doesn’t die. Much like Justin Timberlake, he brings it back. Aragorn recovers from his fall, makes his way to Helm’s Deep, and with the swagger of a man who’s looked into the eyes of death and laughed, pushes open the doors to the throne room. When I watched this scene as a 12-year-old, it made me feel tingly things. Almost two decades later, it still does.

He’s sweating. He just rode (hnnnng) his horse through the night to get there. There’s blood on his hands. His shirt his ripped, exposing a sliver of suspiciously tanned flesh. I want to bite it. Like, viscerally want to nibble my teeth against his flesh and maybe ever so slightly lick it. It remains baffling to me that Aragorn makes me want to jump his bones with a look but Viggo Mortensen the actor would probably get a swipe left.

In 2020, The Cut published the seminal piece on the sexual politics of Lord of the Rings fans: Are You an Aragorn Girl or a Legolas Girl? Apart from making me jealous with rage I hadn’t thought of it first, the piece sums up my early teenage experience. I was publicly Legolas girl because everyone around me was a Legolas girl. But secretly, I was an Aragorn girl. He was brooding, burdened, and judging by the way he kissed Arwyn, definitely fucked. Legolas had about three lines and was beaten by the ring in terms of personality. Why did we convince ourselves to be Legolas girls? An answer yet to be solved by science, not that I think anyone’s tried.

(A few days later, The Cut published a follow up piece about the Boromir girls, to which I say: yes.)

Aragorn isn’t only hot when he opens doors. Remember when he sat in the corner of the Prancing Pony, smoking under his hoodie? Lady boner. Or any time he swings his big dick I mean sword around? Or like, breathes?

And don’t get me started on riding.

I am a puddle.

I’m obviously not the only person to notice that Aragorn is both a sexual awakening and fantasy rolled into one. I mean, the people aren’t blind. But I am the deputy editor of PEDESTRIAN.TV, and therefore able to rectify the disgraceful lack of horny for Aragorn content on site. And for that, I say: you’re welcome.

(P.S. – all three Lord of the Rings are on Netflix right now, if you like your porn to come with a plot.)