You know what, guys? It’s Friday. And just like you, we mentally suck on Fridays. Right around 3pm (oh, look! It’s 3.13) we lose our collective shit and the yarns that spew forth from our brains are equal parts batshit and a pile of drivel.
Today’s gift? A full list of the extremely odd celebrities people in our office have deep, thirsty crushes on.
We’re all going to Horny Jail over here, folks, and you should probably throw away the key.
JULIE BISHOP
“Look I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Julie Bishop can get it.” – Cam
MEATLOAF
“My crush on Meatloaf is literally just centred around this film clip. I don’t know, something about him is extremely sexual here.” – Mel
CLINT EASTWOOD
“Clint Eastwood may be eighty seven years old. He may look like a reanimated corpse stalking around the streets of Hollywood. He may be a grumpy old Republican and reported racist. He may have an insanely hot son who is a lot closer to my age. But I don’t care. I just love Clint and want to kiss his gnarled old face.” – Josie
BARNABY JOYCE
“Oh god even I hate myself for writing this, but I think I’ve just had him having sex in my brain all week c/o his scandalous affair, and now I associate him with fucking or something and have a strange attraction brewing in some deep recess of my soul.” – Mel
KIM YO-JONG
“There’s something about Kim Jong-Un’s sister, Kim Yo-Jong, that I find strangely attractive, if that counts. It’s the fact that maybe she could defect.” – Jack
LEIGH SALES
“Leigh genuinely terrifies me, but the way she handles herself in absolutely pummelling interviews is also extremely hot.” – Matt
PAUL RYAN
“Paul Ryan = daddy.” – Alasdair
LEE KERNAGHAN
“I don’t know whether it’s my deep love for country music, the fact he’s never without his cowboy hat, or those guns but damn son, Lee can GET. IT.” – Mel (yes I’m in here multiple times, I wrote the story OK)
LUCILLE BLUTH
“Lucille is mean, selfish, terrifying and three times my age. But she’s a foxy babe and a half.” – Matt
MARC EVAN JACKSON
“I fear that Marc Evan Jackson in The Good Place turning around and saying “I’m a naughty bitch” has awoken something in me.” – Alex
JULIA GILLARD
“Her sheer power has always allured me.” – Ethan
BOB KATTER
“Reasons why I fantasise about Bob Katter. 1. His undeniable sex appeal. 2. His tan. 3. His hat. 4. The way he talks about blossoms and sexual proclivities.” – Felicity.
FLORIDA GEORGIA LINE
“They’re pretty old, and married, but I think I just watched the film clip for Cruise so many times and every time I hear their croony voices it just does something.” – Elise
THE PHANTOM
“The Phantom is a) a manipulative psychopath b) like 20 years older than Christine and c) a murderer, so I absolutely shouldn’t dream of him trapping me in his underground lair.” – Mel
